Not Just Borrowed

I was an achiever myself - elementary to college. I loved studying, browsing books plus the spirit and air of competition creates that intense excitement during my academic life. I competed with classmates to get to much higher rank in class, grade or year level. And so I tasted the reward of my efforts.

When I started working, I was confronted with another competition - much better idea among colleagues, better project proposals, better implementation strategies, etc. I had to continually upgrade my knowledge and enrolled in the graduate school or post graduate studies.

I felt the thirst to excel...to be noticed. The desire was insatiable. I wanted to look better with clothes, accessories, shoes, bags, etc. Everything has to match. I wanted better things and so I cannot decide on pursuing lifetime commitments yet since I wanted to be more prepared in terms of materials possessions. I was simply crazy with being so busy (hahahha so ironical.

Honestly... I had an illness of "WANTING MORE". I went outside of the country. I wanted to earn big. Still the motivation was ...more ...more ...more.

But the more the desire to have "MORE" the greater also was the restlessness inside. I did not know why.

And so the lessons began...

1. Restlessness

I saw, heard and felt the restlessness. I felt the agony of the emptiness. The more I desired, the greater the space it brought inside. There was nothing. Hollow...lost ...soul in agony

2. Materialism and definition of Success

I saw the flickers of the world. Material things so tempting - money, designer clothes, car, jewelries, titles added to name. The world defines success with having more and titles.

3. The Realization

Even if I had most of the material things one time in my life...the joy and happiness seem to be beyond my reach. And so when I stopped desiring for achievements and pursuit for materials things...graces were poured in forms of lessons...

4. Series of Losses

I lost so much - money, job, luxury of having a car (hehe not mine...just a company car) and not being able to finish doctorate.

5. The Bitterness

I was so angry. I hit (not hate heheheh) people whom i considered the cause of my sufferings and pain. I hid for months - no social network and went back outside of the country and re-viewed my life.

6. I had more than material things

Re-viewing was a painful bracing of self and looking straight head on. I did not like reality and truth. But the invitation of the grace was to face them. To simply ...face them and I realized, I was wealthy...I was surrounded with people that love me. Outside of the country, I had ate Ann, a former St. Paul sister that became my companion and journeyer. Back in the Philippines, I had Mike, my family and dear friends. And God gave me two great men - Jesuit priests Fr. Norlan and Fr. Frank.

7. The Obedient Daughter

I came back after 5 months (first and second travels). My faithful God gave me a Jesuit priests (Fr. Norlan and Fr. Frank) whom i considered a Spiritual mentors. It was a painful journey of digging the past, bringing issues of feelings and dealt with them, facing the self squarely and eventually confronted the challenge of seeing things in the eyes of God.

8. God took me Seriously

The two Jesuit priests - Fr. Norlan Julia, SJ and Fr. Frank Savadera, SJ were like the heavens outpouring of help through human angels (hehe really i see it that way). Fr. Norlan initially did the grilling of my soul. I felt the rush of help unfortunately, before our meeting, he was set for London for higher studies. My hungry soul simply savored the short time we had. He left a beautiful imprint leaving me such statement uttering such faith in my capabilities ( I am forever grateful to God for Fr. Norlan).

Fr. N did not just leave me. He mentioned of another Jesuit (Fr. Frank) that can take care of me and so I could continue with my spiritual Journey...when I am ready...And so I plunged into the next phase with Fr. Frank when I got back here in the Philippines (for the second time). Hindi ako tinantan ng ako Panginoon. This time, I started to think..."MY GOD MEANT BUSINESS WITH ME"...He haunted me and did not just let go of me...And so it was in this part of the journey that I had the most of tears...including laughter while in tears (hahahhaha tears pa din).

9. The Toughest Part

Jesus and I wrestled, had tag of war, fist fight (just name it...hahahha we had it). One day, He sent His angel and I bit his wings. I threw stones to the heavens throne. I shouted outside of the gate of heaven ( a re-call from experience). I had great times with Him too such as - played with Jesus, jumped on the Father's bed in my mind, ran around green grass on top of a mountain, slept beside the shore. Lots ...lots of those prayer fantasies that led me to a new way of looking at things.

You see Jesus has different set of eyes. His are eyes of forgiveness and compassion. And so no matter the pain from the "heavy weight" fall, His grace gave me foretastes of having His eyes. And I did say ..."ang tindi ng mga mata niya...kahit nakapikit ay nakakakita" hehehe...

10. My Life Now

I am back on my feet ...my life is slowly shaping. My current job, relationship with Mike, business consultancy, Joyfully Hopeful advocacy and a lot more is like a practicum of the training that I had from the mentoring of my spiritual director / mentor Fr. Frank, SJ. My training calls a lot of those "seeing" in Jesus eyes.


11. A Realization

It is very hard to simply borrow Jesus' eyes. That's why one day, He just told me "dang you don't need to borrow my eyes...take them and make them yours". Ouch!!!!!! Jesus and I are close friends na talaga whahhahhaha feeling (that close ooohhhh heheh with crossed fingers and clasped palms)...

My crazy conclusion....close friends give portion / pieces of themselves and suffer the pain of giving to bring out the best of the other (mutilating portions of themselves hehehe gross to the point of death)...Well I guess I am using new pair of eyes now...that's why lately, I cry a lot ...I tell you...Jesus' eyes are always wet - from joy to pains and losses...

Please tell me if you need His eyes now...I can share them... I am not joking...and I mean business here...God's Business! weheheeheh

Nothing Beats...the Third

I searched for answers lately with the restlessness that my heart had felt for a number of days. Despite the busy schedule preparing for the last training before I got sick, the numbness grew and I fell short for answers until i declared "I'm lost".

The last training that i facilitated was on Stress Management. Ironically, while facilitating, I felt the stressors taking its toll on me. I cried within to just stop until my illness gave the last declaration of the longest break ever since I stopped working from my previous employer.

I took my break seriously. I had medications, vitamins and meditation combined. It was such a desperate re-view of my life.

Firstly, I checked my activities - work, school, wedding preparations and business. Quite a lot for one woman to accomplish everything. I had them put on schedule but my body was so tired. I thought a lot of the pressures and deadlines but my body simply gave in to the illness...i was so tired and i cannot stop thinking of the pressures of the things i enumerated to be accomplished. I did not realize that i have been conditioning my body for the past months to just work...work ...work...

Secondly, I checked my relationships. Past experiences with people that hurt me seem to be coming back and I have not squarely dealt with them that that when my body gave in to stress, i gave in to the temptation of recalling the past. As my body got tired, my spirit slowed down too (though sometimes it's the reverse).

I also check my current relationships most especially people close to my heart. And i realized i struggled and juggled a lot but i had to face the truth that they are the closest I have. I knew I would get a lot of life's vitamins if I would take the time to take care of these relationships.

And so I spent time with Mike even if he's in Malaybalay (though i get to speak with him over the phone only). I also decided to have a date with my friends last Saturday over lunch and coffee in the afternoon plus the doze of chikka and kumustahan...nakakataba ng puso hehehe. And, I got lots of those sleep and a massage from manang ann (the one that gives us hilot when we are sick at home).

Lastly, I checked my relationship with my God, spent time with prayer in the morning and at night and kept my focus and "gaze" while i did the regular things at home (since I was absent at work). When I became so dependent with paracetamol to deal with fever I knew I had more than physical condition to deal with. I knew I had a "soul" condition. And so spiritual cleansing has to be the next move. I simply decided to get serious with beating the physical tiredness and plunge into the meditation and relaxation intervals. And it did well up to the present.


And so I decided to forgo some of the tasks including graduate studies and went back to engaging with things that I love doing such as blogging, exercising, praying, wasting time with michael (but i really spend more time with Tobby - feeling imported dog hahahhahahahahha), family and friends, sleep, read books, write training modules...etc.(lately, i get to spend time watching a Filipino soap opera entitled 100 DAYS TO HEAVEN...splendid).

Currently also, though i am dealing a very challenging situation at work, I feel a God so strong providing such sturdy body and soul for me to face the challenge. Mine is a strong foundation...Mine is the God the speaks like that of the wind and bristles the soul to perfection. He is always on the go for my shape and definition. I am His and even if my body gets tired...His Spirit continues and restlessly penetrates my being ...the mission continues...

And so among the three approaches I had the most of healing with checking my relationship with God through prayer and meditation...nothing beats the third.

Lessons on Death

I just talked with one of our trainers the other day. He tearfully recalled his conversation with his sick father. He was so in pain thinking of the possibility of loosing him. With the initiative of his father and promise to get back with life if given his second chance, he saw the drive slowly picking him up towards recovery. Unfortunately, the doctor's statement mentions the possibility of not recovering and a worsening condition.

Tears were shed in the family. Yet, as the eldest he had to pick up the strength in order for the other members to thrive in their situation. During our conversation I also bare my heart telling him of the the temporal nature of life compared to the life beyond.

Loosing my own mother also posted a new shade of color to death. Death as just an entrance to the other dimension - the beyond. If sickness makes us suffer, it is through death that the spirit or soul is relieved (without yet considering the condition of life after death).


I have an enormous amount of "death" experiences lately also such as when "chacha" my puppy died, fathers of 2 co workers (one of whom is the father of our trainer - yes...he passed away) and the last was the seminarian mentioned by Fr. Frank SJ that was found dead in his room yesterday morning (i don't know the reason why) and a one "near death experience" of a childhood friend.

No matter how painful is death to us humans, it still taught me the following lessons :

1. Valuing relationship

I have missed moments of encounters with my loved ones or even with strangers. Lately, I have been doing lots of things in haste without considering quality. As I itemized persons to meet in a day and get things done, people have become things for accomplishments. Work has translated my days of encounter with persons into mechanical things. It is so draining now that I have to accomplish things many things. Encounters have become...let's get things done so that i could do the next ...huuuuuuuhhhh What a life it would be if i would continue with this kind of behavior.. I can go crazy hahahhahaha.

And so I tried ( with the help of God's grace) to shift mode into "you are everything I have at this moment" mode...so that I can savor and appreciate encounters. Though struggling, I can see the difference. Life giving and enreaching


2. Finding time to be with loved ones

We don't hold time nor the future. But we only have each moment. But we have to find the time. It does not have to be an "accidental" encounter (though i dont believe in accidents) It has to be an effort to reach out and find the time to be with the loved one. And so finding love isn't that hard...it is starting the move and reaching out...

I remember a friend that spends lots of time at work and goes home middle of the night and finds her husband and kids asleep. The following day - a Sunday is supposed to be a family time but people at work keeps on contacting her. The husband got so disappointed with her and so he and the kids went to the beach by themselves (without her)...So sad ha...

She would keep on reasoning out that without her job her family could not survive (well the husband has work too)


3. Acceptance and Letting go

When my mother died, grieving took its toll for more than a year. If not for my abnormal Psychology subject, i would not drag myself to a halt and face healing. Hehe AbnormalPsychology says that the normal grieving period is one year, beyond that, one needs help already. I did not want the labeling of me becoming crazy (absurd ha hahhahahahah...) I simply got on my beautiful feet and knees and declared "enough!!!!)...I have to accept and move on. But do you know that I felt like a zoombie for one year?...hahahah now you know ...toinks


4. Death as the entrance to the next life

This one takes the leap of faith. I have not seen anyone that came back from death experience (though I got some information from youtube through some accounts of death experiences) but I do believe in my heart there is life beyond this life....where sufferings in this life dissipates...(provided we live the WILL of God). This is a no joke thing for me. After my 19th annotation retreat, death had new meaning. Death can be physical and the death to sin to prepare to life beyond. And so I had an impression that this life is but temporary...i could have more of it beyond...

I have suffered a lot with looses but if it has to be this to enjoy the next life, then so be it...I can wait the bests of the bests if the reward is such a beautiful eternal life.

Well chacha and mama...I believe they have met already...if chacha deserves and angel to take care of her the whole time...i guess it is much much better than my capacities.

And so shall I say now that death means that we need a much better hand to take care of us? I believe so ...and so we might as well not worry anymore of anyone dying except that help them lead the good life to prepare for life beyond...or perhaps we can start it with ourselves ...:-)

What do you think?

(note : raw and unedited heheheh)