Wednesday, November 23, 2011

A Balance Between Firmness and Compassion

http://www.fotosearch.com/DGT384/ddl0027/


I was a people-pleaser person. I wanted people to like me and what I did. But then I grew up and learned more. I realize that it is fine to tell the truth even if it hurts. Truth makes us grow. In fact, the best of growth comes from it.

I learned even more of it when I took a leadership position. As I follow rules, procedures and was doing things related to it, I learned the hardest of firmness and sticking to what should be. But there are times when rules are bent so as to allow and consider the human side most affected by it.

Take for example a particular trainee that came in 30-minute late. My automatic reaction was not to let her come in. I invited her to join me for a one-on-one talk. I was asking for explanations of her lateness. She seemed to be on top of things trying to put one explanation on top of the other so as to convince me. While I was listening, simultaneously, I was waiting for that part wherein, I would feel her sincerity but she kept on mumbling more reasons for her lateness.

I was not suspicious. I was intently listening. It seemed that I was not getting into and at the heart and felt it at the gut level. And so I made that painful decision not to make her pursue with the training. But then compassion-wise (if there is such a word) dictated me to make her join the next batch coming in to the same day that she left unattended only.

The fact that I pulled her out so that we could discuss was a hint to my openness to a possibility of letting her in. But the gut level pushed me to make her learn such as valuing time, stop lying, commitment to the training process, etc. Waiting for her to join the next batch would be an opportunity to look into herself (i hope she would see my intention).

Imagine a 30- minute late that turned out to be an opportunity for growth. But from the trainee's side, she could be angry with me for doing that. But then also, I am no longer apt to pleasing her or doing the nicey-nicey thing this time. I just wanted to tell her that she may have gotten really good scores in the exams but she had to learn something...that of character...:-) This is something that I told some of my colleagues - knowledge minus good character is empty... It is still good character that thrives:-)

What do you think?

PS.: I was not really good at hurting others. But there were times when I had to say (properly) something to correct a behavior (regardless of how it would be received). I just feel that this approach may be or can be applied at home with building children's character or at school's formation program:-). I have a whole wide of challenging decision making situations related to this. Really tough but I find myself growing as a person:-) and hopefully make room for learning at the other end.

Collecting Books and Loving More My Man



I was toying with the idea on mothering. Call me ambitious (nyahahaha) but I consider this being positive with life again. My research started with my visit to a bookstore (together with my husband) and I got hold of this book entitled Your Pregnancy by Dr. Glade Curtis and Judith Shuler, MS.


My friend and sister-in-law May also lent me a book entitled What to Expect When You're Expecting authored by Dr. Heidi Murkoff, Arlene Eisenberg and Sandee Hathaway(since she has just delivered her second cute baby). This book was like a baton passed on to me after conversing with her related to how it was during the delivery with the overwhelming pain that she went through. She had dry labor without anesthesia since her doctor thought that she was still 1 cm less than the supposed 9cm.

Well I was all sorts of expressions laid in front of her while listening and was viewing the scene from the back of my brain with fear and trembling imagining myself in that same situation (huhuhu). But I should say my friend was such a brave woman to undergo all that.

To continue with my book collections, I bought the following book entitled 365 Ways to Help Your Children Grow authored by Sheila Elison and Dr. Barbara Ann Barnette months ago when I started to consider creating something for the kids and the families to work on. It is a collection of daily activities for children facilitated by parents themselves. I can imagine an entire family so involved and bonded through this book. This book has been an inspiration to prepare activities that may be of use for Filipino families.


But then being a wife may be needing some guide (heheheh). Prior to the wedding, I did not really intend to finding a book related to this. But then I came across a book entitled Wifework relating experiences and challenges of a wife (named Susan Maushart) that chose divorce to find more of herself. I have not really read the entire book. I may not be able to relate everything about the experiences of the author but it lead me to a realization about great partnership that I and my husband should be building in our married life.


Lastly, I and my husband went to another Book sale and gathered these children's books not for our future kids though (we don't have any yet). They would be given to a small Day Care Center in the province of Bukidnon. Since it did not push through as intended, I thought of keeping it for family use (not for the kids yet in the family but the "kids in us" - I and my hubby hahahhaa).

Oh, going back to mothering. I am thinking and feeling it right. I was really preparing for it even before the wedding. It's just that ...it is my passion to be passionate with life and with anything that I engage in that makes me really center my energy to it without loosing sight of my vow (it should be plural...i'll focus on one in this blog heheh) - of loving my husband.

I just think that what I am doing right now and the previous months - is loving more my beautiful man:-) Michael:-).

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Creating the Greatest Impact

http://www.cksinfo.com/education/teachers/index.html

As a trainer myself, I thought of the great impact I would be able to create in the lives of my trainees. More so with teachers. I happen to talk with a friend that I have not met for months already. She is a formator of students in a university. She mentioned of the sort of difficulty with penetrating with students during formation stating that they have a "different" set of students at this time. I responded by sharing that teachers can make the greatest impact to students "your moment with them may not show the immediate result but that's your moment to create that impact...don't just let go of it".

What can be frustrating to a teacher is when he / she may feels the lack of interest from the students themselves. The greatest motivation of a teacher to move on is that when he /she sees the results from tests, quizzes or any form of formal assessments or evaluations to meet the expected performance or beyond for them to move to the next phase.

With the innumerable things that a teacher does, he /she should not lose sight of the most important thing that is, education being able to transform lives of students.

Teachers may not be able to get immediate feedback but the moment that they focus on with students...that moment when they are really "present" is their time to create that life changing impact.

As a trainer, I don't just look at the now...but the impact of tomorrow:-) So teachers, formators, trainers... do not despair. There is great value to what you are doing now...move on...I salute you for what you are doing and I salute those teachers who have have taught for a long time ...sharing themselves without counting the cost.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Catch People Doing Good

http://www.princetonol.com/groups/iad/links/artgames.html


Let me relate a little an activity that I use during trainings that leads to seeing the positive of the person. In the first part of the training, when everyone has to be introduced to each other to put them at ease, I introduced an activity called positive impression. I have two ways of implementing the activity. Either they write on the paper posted at the back of each participant or they write on each one's paper placed on each chair as they move clockwise so that they would be able to write for all the participants.

The next thing? They read of course and I can really hear the ohhhs and ahhhs and laughter and giggles and see expressions of disbelief on their faces. Then I asked them about how they felt about things written on the paper for them. The common feeling was "happy". When I asked them how often they get appreciated. They answered me with "rarely". Even they themselves thought that they are quite stingy with appreciating.

Now with my point. Obviously we are happy with appreciations. But then, isn't it that the answers of my trainees are also true to us? Why do we seem to withhold appreciation or saying positive comments to others when we catch them doing good, or excelling somewhere, or when they are successful with their lives. Hahahah it seems to be that releasing such would place them more at the pedestal and us left out. It seems to be that saying those positive lines would make us less successful or happy ....etc. Why aren't we giving that which makes us and others happy?

What I learned the most in those years that I was in the academe is to catch people doing right rather than being quick with punishment. The true essence of education is touching lives of students so that they would be able to translate the same to action (this holds true to parents educating their children). Punishing students or children or employees for not learning or meeting standards won't help. We give feedback to improve. Allow repetitions for review. Test - retest if necessary so as learning sinks in. Or allow children at home to perform tasks not well done.

And so when we rather choose to catch the good than finding fault, we do not only give the other person the chance to expand and grow but also ourselves to widen that space for anyone to come in our lives. We expand. We grow. We multiply. And, affect more lives of others. We shine so bright.

Lastly, here's another thing. What you really, really focus on? It will grow. So if you focus on the negatives...that will also grow...not in the other person but in you growing like that of a poison. Rather if you focus on the positive...it will have the same impact. Positive can only come from positive (not its opposite).

So catch people doing the right thing and shine the brightest star in you. Don't you think this one's part of true living rather than making ourselves stick with some rigid rules of the do's and don'ts of life?

Well one time i heard someone shouted at the top of his voice "get a life"... hahahhaha :-)

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

When Work Is No Longer Work


I met two people today. They work in a small food chain. During the course of their training they underwent an exposure calling customers and inviting them to dine in. They did this out of fun putting in the best effort to their job. In one of those days of work bouts, one customer asked them how much they are getting doing their job. They responded saying "it is not much but we enjoy what we are doing".

They also added that a lot more passers-by asked them the same question and they responded they same. While they were narrating with me, true enough I could see the fun that they went through with their work. They are simple individuals who like and are happy with their jobs and who just want others to experience the same.

I had the feeling from their sharing that people associate effort with work with corresponding monetary value. Unfortunately, there is no truth in it correlating it with joy, satisfaction or happiness. We may continue to complain about salary, prices of commodities, and many other stuffs in life but the choice to live life fully is ours not anyone or at the mercy and dictate of anyone else.

When work is perceived as fun, regardless of the pay one will end his day still having fun devoid of the stress to forcing oneself to work just to earn. I do envy the characters of my sharing in this blog. I mean they are not just characters. They are real individuals trying to tell me that working is not all for the money. It is all about making a difference, finding meaning, putting the real self in it and the passion to relate with others forgetting about counting the cost. This one is service...in its truest sense...:-)

Well, before these two individuals ended their day, someone approached to give the a tip( to their biggest surprise). Hmmmm they did not want to have it but they got it as they were forced by a foreigner gentleman to have it since he was so amused seeing both of them having fun and dancing with the music played.

Wow...:-) great job...wonderful individuals. Though, there might not be tips floating with extra effort. The fun and making others happy is more than enough of the bonus one can have...:-) Beautiful...oh so beautiful...:-)

Sunday, November 6, 2011

The Space In Between Stimulus and Reaction

http://farrymind.blogspot.com/2011/02/nature.html

There is that space in between stimulus and reaction. I call it a sacred space. You know why? It is a space where processing of information and weighing how to react happen. In Psychology, stimulus is that which triggers reaction. It is the basis and source of action. Sometimes blame is thrown at it after action or reaction. Reaction on the other hand, is defined in this article as an after effect to something or any circumstance in our life that did not pass through the process of thinking, processing and weighing. Reaction is manifested in action.

Why am I sharing this? I had an encounter last night with someone from whom I claimed something that was mine. I left it under his care for more than a month and it was gone. We had negotiations. I pulled out and felt anger creeping inside. Good thing I and my husband decided just to stroll a little to sort things out. I was still furious.

I wanted to go back and really fight for it. I was imagining all sorts of things to say in anger. I was rehearsing in my mind…all the “if he will say this, I will ask or say this” sort of things. But then I realize it may be too much for me to bear for the night. I was so angry while my husband discussed all possible options. I was not listening. I pulled out and went on “silent mode” that I felt I may be misinterpreted by my husband already. I did not want that to happen. I decided to discuss with him what happened with me …on and on.

And so…the space…that sacred space I am talking about in this blog. If this is not considered, this can ruin relationships and may lead to gross consequences. Based on readings and experiences, a lot of damages have happened related to this.

Space is just that moment to stop, wait, ponder, relax, not do anything, perhaps stop thinking for a while, breath life to its best, pray, and come up with the best action…I would say the most loving action in order to respond to the situation. Response is a product of a well thought of decision. Reaction is the opposite.

I have seen different facets of downfall in this regard. Let’s journey together and grow in this area… I tell you...last night, I asked God’s big dozes of His grace to keep me intact. I had His strength…nothing beats our God..:-) And then I realize that in those moments when I lost my hold, I might have forgotten to ask His help…

Can you relate with me in this?:-)

Some Things We Can Learn from These Four Beautiful Individuals



I have met four beautiful individuals last week that brought me to a big awakening. One is someone who according to him did not have a family and did not belong to any. When he was a kid, his parents left him. His other siblings had their own lives and so at a young age he had to work from one employer to the next in order to survive. He was able to graduate in high school and had the chance to apply for the Philippine Military Academy. He did not make it in a certain part of the screening when he was asked about his family. He claimed he was rejected due to his family background.

Now, he is residing with a pastor’s family that has 8 children. He cannot really ask for financial assistance since according to him the pastor has just passed away and that the wife now serving as lady pastor (don’t have the opposite word for Pastor hehe) is taking care of everything in the family. He just have to contain himself with having a place to sleep at night …a shelter while assisting the church.

Since he is currently on training for a simple job, he had to walk back and forth surviving day after day sometimes without lunches and sometimes without all the meals of the day. Wow…I was so heartbroken when I saw his black shoes cut half way underneath (I was on the verge of crying).

Another one that moved me to tears was an adolescent that came from a family of 10. Minus the parents, she has 7 other siblings. When she was a kid, she was able to witness her drunkard father, battered her mother with all of them children witnessing it. She also saw how her father hit their mother with a hammer on the head in the middle of the night (father was very drunk). During such incident, all of them children were driven away by their father in the middle of the night. They all walked barefoot in one of the bridges in Bukidnon with their youngest brother being carried by their eldest brother. All of them left the house with empty stomach (they did not have dinner since there was nothing to cook).

And so they went to a friend of the family, knocked at the door the wee hour of the morning and ate their very late dinner and very early breakfast (tears fell heavily while this young lady recounted her story).

Another bright young lady shared how she was forced to work since she lost her scholarship. She did not want to stop her studies. She is trying to squeeze herself so as to finish in two years. By then she will be able to support and send her younger sister who has speech impediment but with a normal brain capacity. She does not want to impede her younger sister from such opportunity for the love and concern she has for her.

The fourth one started at 7 years old to work with a well off neighbor. She had to since, her father’s earning as simple laborer at the port carrying luggage for passengers could not financially support the family (mother is not working). She may feel so secure with herself being able to eat complete meals everyday but she cries over the reality that her parents can hardly buy rice and viand for the entire family. Currently, she keeps other part time jobs, too, folding clothes at another neighbor or taking care of a small store of another neighbor.

Obviously, you are able to see the commonalities of the four individuals’ stories that I am relating here. They are all poor. Money is important to them. They want to eat, go to school and work to support their families. They value so much their families that drive them to strive harder. Unlike the first one, though he values so much family, what he needs right now is the money to survive at least to eat and fare to stop walking to and from work.

What am I sharing this for? I just want to tell you that at times when I complain about a lot of things in my life or when I tend to see only myself or when I feel that life’s challenges seem so overwhelming already, I am reminded that there are those that face more challenges than I am and are able to survive.

Another thing that’s common with them? They did not give up. That’s why I would always say that there are a lot more reasons to be thankful for with life than being consumed with my selfishness.

These beautiful individuals keep on reminding me to stay on the ground…live life …share …simplify…and be more grateful to God…

And so if you want to be in touched more with yourself and find God more in you…you may talk to any of those individuals that never give up with life.

They can give you a whole bunch of life’s most basic lessons..:-)

So have fun…learning with them ok :-)

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

"Insist" to Stay Positive - Part 2




Well, I haven’t really shared here yet, that when I got back here in the Philippines the first time, I left my job in the university to shift to another career – Human Resource and I was disillusioned after 3 months not finding myself fitting to the challenges of the work. I found myself a much better option to go back to the university under the assistance of 2 Jesuit priests (president and vice president themselves) but to no avail. I was heartbroken and left again for the US.

My second come back here in the country made me leap into a spiritual direction – this time with more “grilling” with Fr. Frank, SJ (the first part was by Fr. Norlan, SJ). While I continued with it, I found a job related to training employees of a company as I searched more of myself. I was ready to plunge into anything. While the Joyfully Hopeful shirts were produced I started blogging. I found myself a great past time from where I was and am still able to extend myself to others.

On and off the season for writing, I found myself going back to it (writing). When I found myself beautiful books to devour by Dr. Wayne dyer’s ( Manifest your Destiny, There is Spiritual Solution to Every Problem and The Power of Intention), the way I look at things, events, people and the insistence on being positive with life are the greatest contributions of the books.

From the title of my blog, one may get an impression of a struggle since I use the word “insist”. I used such to give emphasis on not being carried away by all the things that our mind tends to process and interpret without checking reality. And even if reality is as it is. We can still insist (deliberately) and decide not to be emotionally carried with it.

My life has been a decision every day to live most of life. I “insist” on the following positive things that I can live for on a daily basis :

1. What has happened yesterday is over, I can start again today
2. I will continue to forgive the soonest
3. I will try to as much as I can radiate love than anger and hate
4. I love surrounding myself with positive people and things such as books, songs, activities, meditation (this time with my husband…heheheh we are now becoming partners to a lot of things)
5. I create crazy things in my mind to imagine good things to happen and all beautiful possibilities just to create a new path in my brain that was conditioned to capture the negatives

I decide every day to stay on the positive side though I feel several of those tempting negative emotion (this should not be misinterpreted as suppressing emotions…you may read my other blog on this site entitled EMOTIONS AND EQ- November 11, 2010). Lately, I got so inspired also when I read about a man named Matthieu Ricard featured at Reader’s Digest Asia in January 2011 as the Happiest Man in the World. His biography states that he is an author, photographer, former molecular geneticist, researcher, and devout Buddhist monk, and translator for Dalai Lama.

How did he get such a title? The most remarkable feature of this man is the fact that he had been practicing meditation for more than 35 years now. After those years, Ricard has become proficient in controlling his mind. Let me quote Readers’ Digest – Asia (January 2011) …”Looking inward to find joy rather than relying on external conditions he believes is the way to achieve contentment and wellbeing: ‘it is quite clear that the outer conditions are not enough. The way we interpret and translate those outer conditions in our inner experience is what determines either a sense of well being or misery”.

He added further that Ego and self-centeredness ..” are the biggest threats to true happiness” (well you could check out also my blog on Ego - August 30, 2011- just type in the search box) as I quoted Dr. Wayne Dyer with how he describes how it works).

Well, I may have too many things here but as I recounted the journey to finding the right attitude, I could say right now that I am not allowing my past to define me. I have the choice at the moment to live my life not pleasing to others but to my true Source ….God himself.

At times, I was being questioned by some individuals about the behavior that I displayed such as not being able to “fight” during arguments or to go straight with harsh words in order for someone to be able to sort of realizing or see things the way I do or should be. I guess I just have to allow my silence for a while to sort things out within before I plunge into a good discussion …not turning it into an argument.

I feel even more positive seeing that each one of us has the capacity to wait for the right time to say something in order to create the greatest impact.

Even Jesus when he was questioned and cross-examined prior to crucifixion remained in His silence and needed not to defend himself in the face of the greatest turbulence and test before his perpetrators. I should say that Jesus already gave us His greatest example.


Hey…what I am writing here my friends can be done. If a lot of peoples’ lives have changed due to a shift in mentality and mental attitude then it can happen to us…
Here… let’s toast together for much better behavior and life for all of us…
God bless us all!