http://www.mccneb.edu/HMRL/
I grew up having to deal with a very strict and disciplinarian father. He was so tight with us going home late in the afternoon or at night, doing household assignment and chores, leaving home for any family rendezvous, going to Church, to the beach (as if an urgent thing to do on some Sundays), etc. I grew up keeping my anger inside me. More so when I experienced being hit by his belt due to my naughtiness (toinks…had lots of spanking when I was child).
I guess the eldest in the family copied the same strategy that my father imposed (I experienced the same fate from my own brother). The other members of the family were fine though, including my own mother. When I asked my own father about his style of disciplining us when I got a little older and braver to face him, he sadly said that he got the same treatment from his own father too, stating that perhaps he sort of learned the “style” from him.
When I started school – elementary, high school and college, I met difficult individuals too. But then, I found the greatest of challenge with my father.
When I started working, I thought I would skip having to meet people like them . Though they don’t beat me with belt ahhahaah), they sort of beat me or some others with words…harsh ones that I started to also notice they themselves seem to just say them without really being totally conscious at first with the words that came out from their mouth.
THE DESCRIPTIONS
Let me first describe some of them based on my direct encounters and sharings from colleagues and friends :
The "Complainer". This individuals seem to catch up or perceive everything around them as negative. From the weather, salary, co workers, type of work they are doing, attitude of people they associate with, family members, company operation, including themselves, etc. You seem to be getting that freshly baked smoke of negative “aura” everytime they talk and complain just about anything around and within them.
The "Gossip". Well these are individuals who seem to be so updated with everything about lives of people, fashion, lifestyle, and the latest from show business, etc. They laugh, criticize, question, appreciate so less, picking stories with ohhs and ahhs creating a festive atmosphere of the lives of others more than anything.
The “Reactive”. These are individuals who seem to have difficulty getting the whole point and details of the story and so give their immediate judgment, assessment, reaction, etc. They exude immediate and “fiery” comments. These are individuals who seem to be low at patience moving into action at the site of any stimulating information. They may even interrupt discussion giving uncalled for comments. During meetings, they can monopolize the discussion with their exaggerated reactions over certain issues and concerns focusing more the discussions on argument rather than on alterative actions and solutions.
The “Credit Grabber” ( http://careerplanning.about.com). These are individuals who tend to monopolize the credit of success of certain projects. They like the “limelight”. Even the project was a product of a concerted effort, they like their names particularly mentioned. These individuals seem to not have the consciousness of team effort. They are the ambitious ones who want to be on top. In fact a lot of them want to go up fast regardless of how they would get to the top.
The ”Crabs”. Actually these individuals more or less seem to complement a lot to the “credit grabber”. Crabs by its nature, would pull each other down when the start climbing up. The “crabs” equally associating it to jealousy over another being given better opportunities, privileges, success, achievements, etc. They seem to project that image of claiming what they too deserve such that they would either consciously or unconsciously do things that my pull the other person down. They send the message that “you don’t deserve where you are so I would rather put you back to where you should be”.
Those I described above are the most common ones. As a child I thought the spanking from my father were the most difficult ones but as I was engaging myself with my workaday life, I thought of the many challenges of dealing with them.
DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE
Here was how I dealt with these kinds of people though at first I felt infuriated by them most especially, the “gossip”, the “credit grabber”, the “crab” and the “reactive”.
Self- awareness (applying EQ by Goleman)
I dealt with myself in terms a full awareness with how these individuals emotionally affect me. I had to be consciously aware with my emotion so that I would be able to properly do something that would directly and properly respond with the situation. No matter how difficult I see to it that I get focused with what I should do to respond to the behavior shown to me even when I had to deliberately employ my SILENCE due to interest to listen or resistance.
The "Complainer"
I mostly listen. Though at times, I would agree with things being complained about but I would do my best not to add up anything to fuel or reinforce the person. When I listen, I feel more of understanding and compassion why they seem to have those complains. From my background being a guidance counselor, I could ask anything about background of the person so that I would understand better from where the person seem to get the sort of causes and “energy” that fuel the complaints.
Actually listening dissipates the energy of the complainer. Soon this person gets the balance and relaxes. When I project understanding, the person gets to relax. What if they come back? That’s the thing. Some of them keep on coming back because the positive feeling you radiate with them is so tempting and comforting to them. You give the positive vibes and they get attracted to it. Just give them the time. (One thing I see in me is that…I like to listen … as much as I like talking hahahhaha).
The “Gossip”.
This is the hard part. I admit it is so tempting. I sometimes buy the information they carry. But I get to throw questions to validate leading them to check the reality of their statement. Even if we both find the validity and truth of the gossip, I tend to ask in fact and a lot of times in a joke “what good will it do to us if we will know”. And we both laugh it out diverting the discussion to some topics more nourishing to us.
Total silence will not send a “supportive” message. Supporting would mean … the silence that projects understanding with the person’s behavior even when we know that with what he / she did there is no merit at all for his / her growth (though some really get to learn from experience). For all you know the person just needs someone to listen to him / her and just wanted to get your attention by starting with a gossip.
The information that this individual brought may not be “the exact message”. This person may be sending you the real “message” in between. That is why we need to be sharper to read beyond what is.
The “Reactive”
This is like talking to myself prior to learning from experience. Having experienced a very “reactive” home environment. I became one too. But the same environment brought a great learning also in handling the same and like my own when I got to any workplace only that I went to the extreme passivity at first. When my father got so angry at home. I tend to be silent and let it cross over my head to the other side of my ears and off it goes without even recalling them. When I met the same individuals at work at first I used the same strategy just letting it pass the same way. And so anyone that would resemble any member of my family would get the same response – passivity and detachment.
Now, I am improving and learning better. I truly listen and select that most important ones or the good things I could use to help myself. I could choose now to set aside the non useful information despite the pain that I may be undergoing during the experience. During those moments that these individuals brought out things not well thought of, I still listen despite the emotional struggle. Of course I still tend to detach after but I get to rewind the things that I could use to learn from the experience.
I also send the message that… “I am not leveling of with your anger or buying any of your temper”… by being silent during the encounter but with a disposition that listens to the end. The greatest challenge for me is to thank the person after which I could hardly do but still I did try anyway.
Really difficult but still the listening part eases the tension and sort of relaxes the mood of the other sending still the message that I understand even with the displaced mood and anger.
The “Credit Grabber”
I applaud of course when these individuals are acknowledged despite the questioning in my mind. I shake their hands and sincerely bring the conversations to asking who work with them in that project, etc. to bring them to their consciousness sort of thing (hahahhaha). Fortunately there are those that are brought to light after that. But there are those that seem to can’t just wake up. So sad ha.
When I got to work with this kind of person, I decided not to work with him / her anymore. But when you work in the same department, you have no choice but to cooperate. I decided to leave him/ her to his / her glory and I keep my peace. Better at that than being tormented with getting noticed (hahhahaha).
The “Crabs”
Oh a lot of times, I did not know that I was being pulled down already. I was already victim to pulling down due to jealousy but I decided to keep my peace and focus on the job. This is a better way for me than keep fighting and grabbing individuals to their elbows to fight and defend oneself.
Internal office politics is kind of hurting. I have heard several individuals already held captives to this type of employees. I heard pains shed off but I found them helpless not being able to confront the culprits.
Sadly, from experience, the “crabs” won’t last. They always get back what they sow. And so, to deal with them I just focused on the job and worked as sincerely as I can (an advise already). With that, I could get noticed or may be not. I need not get the spotlight. I don't want either to get back on them such as finding a way to pull them down.
My suggestion would be...If there is a way that you could confront these individuals properly, the better. This one I support to be the best way at the same time move on to working our way towards accomplishing what we are expected to do.
And so this blog is like a full package of learning from my own home environment leading to the challenge of dealing with people in the workplace.
At the moment, I keep on learning the best way I could. But when all else is done with these individuals … I don’t do hands up. I continue relating.
My motto is …”not to give up on anyone” (including myself).
PS: My father and I are great friends now. I could easily talk to him about anything including how he dealt with us. With papa's age came growth also and wonderful realization being our father...
