The Word "BUSY"

https://www.timeanddate.com/holidays/us/christmas-eve

I made a phone call one mid day.  I asked the receiver"how are you today?  what have you been doing?  what keeps you busy?".  The receiver was my daughter ( as if a 4 year old girl could really entirely grapple what I asked).  The same questions I asked with others and myself, I throw them to my daughter.  My work has taught me to throw pre conditioned questions even to a tiny family member certainly did not get my point.  I even did not get the point why I asked that.  But one thing is certain, I get to "lose my mind" at certain parts of the day when I become so wrapped up with too many things to do.

http://www.shoutmeloud.com/how-to-keep-your-blog-grows-when-you-are-too-busy.html

"Lose my mind" means that I have packed my mind with so many things already that even if I was not talking with anyone, I seemed to have ongoing conversations in my mind. Hahahah please don't get me wrong. I just wanted to do so many things at a time.  And I feel that reality does not give me that luxury of time to finish everything.   And, I realize I keep on using the word "BUSY" which I did  not actually want to use at all.  In short, I have become the word that I did not like.

I took time off.  I went to the mall alone.  I tried to watch movie ...shed few tears ...and tried to hide them from an old lady who tried to check me from time to time.  I missed this time to hang out with me.  To just be with me.  Bring food to the movie house and let out my heart.  I already declared earlier that I needed time for myself since no matter how I tried in the past to let go of work, I kept on counting the many things that are undone.  And I would keep on doing that in my mind.  The best thing to do is then to declare and raise the white flag...to simply surrender...to simple stop ..do nothing ...to just stop deciding...to stop time from enslaving me.  

I thank God that He gave the strength and the courage today to just call it a halt.  

PS ...I don't want my daughter to be like me...but they said...daughters will copy most of their behaviors from their moms...hhhhmmm I think I will just have to spend more time with prayeerrrrr if that would be the case...oohhhhhh...oohhhhh how challenging will that be...

I Felt Like That Puppy Who Needed the Most Comfort...When I almost lost my daughter at the Mall...

An Old April 2016 photo with Mikaela

I could not contain my heart today...tonight.  On our way to the mall, I and my husband saw a rolling puppy by the road...struggling for its life.  It was such a painful sight.  Not just that but I felt emotional by it that really brought me to tears even while I am tinkering the keyboard. When we reached the mall, we had our dinner but took turns with taking care of our daughter who chose to run around than taking her dinner.  

When it was my turn to take care of her, I brought her to a bookstore.  I allowed her to touch everything she wanted to and take with her.  I simply observed her at a distance when all of a sudden I lost sight of her.  My heart really pumped so hard.  I was trying to check all parts of the store from where I realized she was not inside.  I tried to talk to all the saleslady inside and the guard who did not notice her going out of the store.  

I was not just worried.  I was frightened imagining all sorts of horrible things already.  One saleslady told me to ask for assistance from the guard of the mall and make some announcements which I did. That moment I thought of telling my husband what happened and asked for help (he was eating alone since we decided to take turns).  But still I decided to go back to the bookstore to take one last look.  But a guy wearing white shirt called me form outside of the store and pointed the back of the lined up display of Christmas trees describing a little girl with a pink shirt at the back of it.  I ran towards  that direction and true enough my daughter was there running away from the Christmas trees towards the door of the mall bringing with her three red marker pens.  

A date at a hotel with our little lady

It was a mixture of joy and anger at the same time.  But the anger was due to the fear or rather fright that I felt losing her that way.  I could not describe it but I strongly held her arms. and brought her straight to the bookstore asking her to return the pens.  We went straight ahead to my husband who had no knowledge about what happened.  

I told him of course what happened with a  little tremble in my voice.  I knew then also that we had to cut our date short.  We had to go home.  My daughter gave me that innocent look but still wanted to still explore the mall.  I knew how it was like losing her in that short moment.  I knew how and what it was like not having her beside me nor being uncertain at what might happen next.  I was already forewarned at the gut level before entering that bookstore to keep watch and stay close but I still wanted to go with the adventure of allowing her to explore and let her be and it ended up realizing that the challenge was for me and not for my daughter.

...it will always be books, magazines...passion

It is kind of a very difficult realization ...letting go...giving her that much space and freedom at a very young age.  Still I am her mom...and at her age...I knew better.  I told my daughter on our way home " I was not worried Mikaela...I was frightened...you will only understand this when you become a mom someday"  (well when I talk to her that way ...I will not really expect for her to fully understand but that is  how communicate with her).  And I hugged her tight and kissed her head over and over again and while I did that I felt such an innocent spirit so fresh and free. 

Well there was a sense of relief riding home with her in my arms.  She hugged me so tight while she turned her gaze upon the lights of the night.  I even forgot about the struggling puppy beside the road.  Early that night, I thought it was just the puppy that I was like that puppy that needed the most comfort. It turned out that I felt the need of the greatest comfort of the struggle of almost losing my girl at the mall.

PS: My daughter is so sound asleep in bed now.  I am forever grateful for God's angel wearing white shirt tonight directing my path towards my girl..I just hope and pray for God's angel also to take care of that puppy beside the road...please dear God...with tears...Good night..

...and I never thought such situation could bring me back to writing which brings a lot of comfort to my heart so very much...