Not Just Borrowed

I was an achiever myself - elementary to college. I loved studying, browsing books plus the spirit and air of competition creates that intense excitement during my academic life. I competed with classmates to get to much higher rank in class, grade or year level. And so I tasted the reward of my efforts.

When I started working, I was confronted with another competition - much better idea among colleagues, better project proposals, better implementation strategies, etc. I had to continually upgrade my knowledge and enrolled in the graduate school or post graduate studies.

I felt the thirst to excel...to be noticed. The desire was insatiable. I wanted to look better with clothes, accessories, shoes, bags, etc. Everything has to match. I wanted better things and so I cannot decide on pursuing lifetime commitments yet since I wanted to be more prepared in terms of materials possessions. I was simply crazy with being so busy (hahahha so ironical.

Honestly... I had an illness of "WANTING MORE". I went outside of the country. I wanted to earn big. Still the motivation was ...more ...more ...more.

But the more the desire to have "MORE" the greater also was the restlessness inside. I did not know why.

And so the lessons began...

1. Restlessness

I saw, heard and felt the restlessness. I felt the agony of the emptiness. The more I desired, the greater the space it brought inside. There was nothing. Hollow...lost ...soul in agony

2. Materialism and definition of Success

I saw the flickers of the world. Material things so tempting - money, designer clothes, car, jewelries, titles added to name. The world defines success with having more and titles.

3. The Realization

Even if I had most of the material things one time in my life...the joy and happiness seem to be beyond my reach. And so when I stopped desiring for achievements and pursuit for materials things...graces were poured in forms of lessons...

4. Series of Losses

I lost so much - money, job, luxury of having a car (hehe not mine...just a company car) and not being able to finish doctorate.

5. The Bitterness

I was so angry. I hit (not hate heheheh) people whom i considered the cause of my sufferings and pain. I hid for months - no social network and went back outside of the country and re-viewed my life.

6. I had more than material things

Re-viewing was a painful bracing of self and looking straight head on. I did not like reality and truth. But the invitation of the grace was to face them. To simply ...face them and I realized, I was wealthy...I was surrounded with people that love me. Outside of the country, I had ate Ann, a former St. Paul sister that became my companion and journeyer. Back in the Philippines, I had Mike, my family and dear friends. And God gave me two great men - Jesuit priests Fr. Norlan and Fr. Frank.

7. The Obedient Daughter

I came back after 5 months (first and second travels). My faithful God gave me a Jesuit priests (Fr. Norlan and Fr. Frank) whom i considered a Spiritual mentors. It was a painful journey of digging the past, bringing issues of feelings and dealt with them, facing the self squarely and eventually confronted the challenge of seeing things in the eyes of God.

8. God took me Seriously

The two Jesuit priests - Fr. Norlan Julia, SJ and Fr. Frank Savadera, SJ were like the heavens outpouring of help through human angels (hehe really i see it that way). Fr. Norlan initially did the grilling of my soul. I felt the rush of help unfortunately, before our meeting, he was set for London for higher studies. My hungry soul simply savored the short time we had. He left a beautiful imprint leaving me such statement uttering such faith in my capabilities ( I am forever grateful to God for Fr. Norlan).

Fr. N did not just leave me. He mentioned of another Jesuit (Fr. Frank) that can take care of me and so I could continue with my spiritual Journey...when I am ready...And so I plunged into the next phase with Fr. Frank when I got back here in the Philippines (for the second time). Hindi ako tinantan ng ako Panginoon. This time, I started to think..."MY GOD MEANT BUSINESS WITH ME"...He haunted me and did not just let go of me...And so it was in this part of the journey that I had the most of tears...including laughter while in tears (hahahhaha tears pa din).

9. The Toughest Part

Jesus and I wrestled, had tag of war, fist fight (just name it...hahahha we had it). One day, He sent His angel and I bit his wings. I threw stones to the heavens throne. I shouted outside of the gate of heaven ( a re-call from experience). I had great times with Him too such as - played with Jesus, jumped on the Father's bed in my mind, ran around green grass on top of a mountain, slept beside the shore. Lots ...lots of those prayer fantasies that led me to a new way of looking at things.

You see Jesus has different set of eyes. His are eyes of forgiveness and compassion. And so no matter the pain from the "heavy weight" fall, His grace gave me foretastes of having His eyes. And I did say ..."ang tindi ng mga mata niya...kahit nakapikit ay nakakakita" hehehe...

10. My Life Now

I am back on my feet ...my life is slowly shaping. My current job, relationship with Mike, business consultancy, Joyfully Hopeful advocacy and a lot more is like a practicum of the training that I had from the mentoring of my spiritual director / mentor Fr. Frank, SJ. My training calls a lot of those "seeing" in Jesus eyes.


11. A Realization

It is very hard to simply borrow Jesus' eyes. That's why one day, He just told me "dang you don't need to borrow my eyes...take them and make them yours". Ouch!!!!!! Jesus and I are close friends na talaga whahhahhaha feeling (that close ooohhhh heheh with crossed fingers and clasped palms)...

My crazy conclusion....close friends give portion / pieces of themselves and suffer the pain of giving to bring out the best of the other (mutilating portions of themselves hehehe gross to the point of death)...Well I guess I am using new pair of eyes now...that's why lately, I cry a lot ...I tell you...Jesus' eyes are always wet - from joy to pains and losses...

Please tell me if you need His eyes now...I can share them... I am not joking...and I mean business here...God's Business! weheheeheh