Being and Staying In Love with My Husband....

Allow me to be romantic today.  It is not that I woke up with the twinkling of stars in my eyes.  I did not come from sleep.  I always fall asleep...hahahaha just joking.  I feel so wide awake realizing that being and staying in love is something that we create and re-create each day like that of an artist that does his craft in the eyes that see beyond the physical dimension.

Since the day I and my husband tied the knot in marriage, I and him have seen so many things about us that we didn't expect we had such as the intensity of our temper and yet the effort to hold it for the sake of not really hurting each other that much.

I had my moments of those tempting and challenging thoughts such as the question "why did i marry this man?" and " i might as well decide to separate with him", etc.  Ohh the last one made me goose skinned and hit me to the bones.  It always made me go back to the time when we were so in love and that were tested in our relationship several times over and my husband ...my boyfriend then never gave up at least ones.  He stood still with the fight for both us.  It was only I that got weakened but still he held me up to stay on his side.

Being in love and staying in love is the most challenging part with married couples.  In the house you don't fake yourself in front of your husband or wife.  You are so you regardless of what the other person thinks.  

I felt that with the worst in us both, we were not pleased at all.  It even shocked me to realize the worst in me.  But as I decide to give us both chances at loving, I realize I was giving the same to myself.

I feel so radiant and beautiful in front of my husband.  You know why?  He made me feel that.  He always had those cute surprises such as giving me that wonderful smile in the morning with his hug that says "you are my beautiful wife and thank you for loving me".  Yes I read that everytime he does that.  

Let me share with you his latest surprise.  He went to the mall one night and came back with his announcement " i have a gift for my wife..."  And he added  straight talking to me "it will simplify and organize your life... and it suits your lifestyle".  That one made me almost leaped and dance.  Yet, i was stopped when he said he would give it only when our daughter was asleep. Still with excitement I insisted that he would give it with our daughter as witness...hehe cute.  And it was such a grand introduction for a ...sling  bag. He added, "I have one to for myself ...much bigger than yours..."  And I thought..."cute...we're like twins...hahaha i mean lovebirds with uniform sling bags...walking hand in hand".  

I saw how happy he was.  I was so happy and thanked him for such a surprise.  But honestly, I was thinking of the pretty hand bag that I wanted so much to buy...which i thought if he just told me that he'd buy one I would have recommended that one.  Hmmm....selfish meeeehhh... 

But Oh...i love my husband.  I love his little, simple, cute ways of expressing himself to us, his temper, grouchiness, patience, and all.  I learned a lot journeying with him and his openness discussing things with me and growing with me.

At times,   I would hear him say "THANK YOU" without any words after that but an embrace for me and our little girl. When he starts to grouch, we had an agreement that we would remind each other so that's what I did and he would slowly pick up.

I love Michael...my dear husband.   The "cloud 9 feeling"  infatuation defined as love when we were younger turned out to be a decision to be and just stay in love ...to stick through and with each other no matter what.  

We did not marry long enough to say that we had all the learnings to wrap in one package but i would say we are such a perfect pair blessed and watered by prayers that we say together as a family.

Thank you God:-)

PS:  Our theme song...which i always sing and dance with our daughter..."Kung tayo'y matanda na...sana'y 'di tayo magbago...kailan man ....nasaan man...ikaw ang pangarap ko...ang nakalipas ay ibabalik natin wowowo"... now i am starting to feel like a howling dog nyahahhahahahah

Perfect Match?...Made for Each Other:-)

I and my husband?  Ahhaha we are such a perfect match.?????? In that I meant that we complement each other in so many ways except that we are at par in terms of our intensity and assertiveness including temper.  And we both admit that to each other. 

When I was yet an adolescent with the dream and idea of a perfect match, I thought it exist.  Perfect match that time meant that you perfectly match in everything from character, personality, likes, dislikes, etc.  But I see it as an illusion of my younger years.  There was no such thing as that.  When I met my husband, I felt our differences and the more when we lived together in one house after the wedding. 

There was no faking.  There was only the natural day to day shedding off and of ourselves from where I felt more challenged to accept and go on loving.  Everytime I struggle with the reality of our differences and felt like giving up, I would always pray and look back to the time when I decided to marry him.  And one day, I just told him that” even if we say sorry to each other, there is no guarantee that it won’t happen again.  But i still love you despite of all the flaws that we have to each other and as a couple.  We are such a perfect match made for each other ...and especially crafted by God”. (ssshhh the last sentence is only an addition which I thought of adding for all of you and of course for my dear husband to read). 

My "Small Heaven" On Earth...:-)

I was playing with my daughter in bed a while ago.  I was so fascinated with her that I whispered in here ear “you and daddy are my small heaven on earth”.   I was teary eyed after that. 

You see since I got married and my daughter came, I became more emotional.  I wanted to express every bit of what I feel and the story behind it.  I rejoice at every small piece of her growth.

I am not going to share obviously of the Heaven promised as our final destination.  I need not go far in order to do that.  My small heaven are those closest to my heart.  Those that I share my life with every single day of my life on this earth.  Thus, heaven is just right here where I stand, sleep, eat, sing, play, wash clothes, shape up, etc.  My small heaven are my husband and my daughter and the home we are building as a family.

Let  me first share my first small heaven…my husband.  Hmmm lately, our relationship seems to go up and downhill.  I feel the challenge of shifts of mine and his moods.  We clash a lot and I should say it is not that pleasing to share.  But here I am sharing it still.  To him I am not the ideal or perfect wife.  I do irritate him a lot of times.  I am not the obedient and a lot of times I am not the submissive wife.  I hurt him a lot of times.  But I do apologize, talk and discuss my behaviour with him, pray, eat, giggle, laugh, joke, cry and I feel the comfort of my small heaven when he just wraps me in his arms and say “I love you honey”.  That’s it.  I feel I get the infinite chances at living life again with him (hahahahaha so dramatic of meh!!!!), plus the joy of having him in my life and the truest and purest of love that I have received on earth at this time in my life.  Heaven is not far.  My small heaven is right in our home …with my husband.

My second small heaven?...oh my…our little lady Maria Mikaela.  Ohh I hope I am not giving you an impression of perfection with my little girl.  She is the regular one year old girl that plays, throws her stuffed toys when bored, or cries and is a grouch in the morning, covers her eyes and peeps a little to check if her cry has any effect to daddy and mommy.  She likes to dance and again tries to get our attention. She hums songs and is very  curious with books.  She is so awed with watching her ABCD and number videos. Moreover, she excitedly surveys the mall and giggles in front of displayed huge Televisions and touches anything out of utmost curiousity (this part I dilated my eyes  like a walking CCTV).

Praying I believe is not for a regular one year old girl to do though.  That is something extra special about her.  And everytime she does that with white cloth that she playfully put on top of her head  (aha yes tat is so true heheh) and extends her palms up to pray, she just melts my heart saying how beautiful she is to be able to do that (nobody taught her that huhuhu). 

Did I ever think that I would reach the height of my small heaven at this time in my life?  Never…never…never…If I  have known it earlier I would have gotten married …earlier (waaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh…got yah! Hahahha.

Steady now…THANK YOU GODJ FOR MAKING ME TASTE YOUR HEAVEN ON  EARTHJ  AMEN :-)

RAISING EMOTIONALLY INTELLIGENT CHILDREN - Part 1...Let us start with the Parents:-)

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I was hooked with EQ or popularly known as Emotional Intelligence when I joined a seminar in 1998 in Cebu by Dr. Liwag from the Ateneo de Manila University.  The said speaker mentioned about children’s EQ.  At that time, it did not really matter so much as it is with me and my husband today.  It has started to be our advocacy since our daughter joined us on July 28, 2012.  Since I know its scope, my husband underwent a one-on-one session with me through a powerpoint presentation that I prepared for my participants during seminars.

We “join hands” realizing that it could help so well our family particularly the parents in raising children with high EQ.  Our simple premise rests on the statement “parents with high Emotional intelligence passes on the same to their own children”.  Thus, it starts nowhere else but through the parents. 

This is now our advocacy.  And, I am going to describe its scope that parents could practice first for themselves.  Though I have described this in my previous blogs, yet it is just at this time that I am going to make parents own them so as to be able to join us in our advocacy.

1.      Self-awareness.  This means that parents should know how to identify and name their own feelings.  Together with this is to be able to neutrally observe its intensity, thoughts that accompany it or be able to identify, face head on the cause of such feeling.  This should be done like a fulltime job such that, there is a full time awareness of the existence of the feeling without being carried by it.

I and my husband learned to assert ourselves from our own families.  What do I mean by asserting.  We are so expressive as individuals.  We express how we feel to each other even to the last detail of how and why we feel the way we feel.  When this happens, it is kind of tough and I find us both so intense.  We don’t hide emotion from each other no matter how painful it can get when it is expressed and we both reaped acceptance and understanding from each other.

2.     Managing Emotion.  This part makes points to our own unique individuality such that we have our own way of diverting for a while our attention to some other activities such as reading a good book, listening to comforting music, eating good food, any form of exercise, etc.  all for the reason of not really directly reacting to the emotion as soon as it strikes.  Overwhelming emotion may blur our “vision” such that finding alternative courses of actions may not be possible at its height.  Intense emotion passes with time so when it happens it starts to settle down which follows proper thinking, discernment and decision making.

I do admit I have lots of those moments when I get so angry with my husband.  Anger is so tempting.  I felt like it is pursuing me and that it wants to be expressed outright thus, giving the false belief that it can be satisfied when expressed “loudly”.  It is not true. 

At my end it helped when I just decided to pull out.  My own daughter helped me well.  Without her knowing it, she has become my motivation not to answer back most especially when she is with us.  I did not want her to hear us express our anger to each other.  Not just yet and not in the manner we wanted it.  I learned my lesson when we underestimated her capacity when she was 5 month old.  I and my husband were in a heated discussion when we realized our daughter has been for a while moving her eyes from me to my husband and vise versa.  In an instant we both stopped and pulled out from her sight.  From then on, we agreed to remind each other during the same challenging moment as husband and wife.

 

3.     Motivating Oneself (The Master’s aptitude).  This means that as parents we are able to pursue whatever it is that we are doing or still decide to go to work, or decide to continue living and loving our spouse or each other despite the struggle of emotion.  We feel positive and continue to hope despite our circumstances.  We continue to be patient with our children despite our struggles with them. 

Despite being young as a couple, I could say that we have gone through several tough times including our relationship.  Would you believe that I have decided to give up our relationships many times everytime I feel that my husband was not participative enough in the relationship and in some moments that need us both to decide.  Yet, he made me feel that he was not giving up and everytime I challenged him, he would openly tell me about what he could do.  I have told him not to assume so much that things are well when things seem to be smooth.  There are times when we had to dive into many situations and emotions in order for us to see more.  I know I am not making things easy for him.  But I admire my husband so much when I see him willing to learn the things that I know even when it calls for him to bend hard. 

Hmmm one thing though.  I did not really make him bend hard to change his values since, he values the good that I saw.  The only thing was, he felt that I am too sensitive and that at times he is not seeing immediately what I saw.  Please don’t get me wrong, I get a lot of “spanking” too from him.  He reminds me so much that life is not really that smooth and we have to continue with our partnership no matter what.  Oohhh thank you dear God for giving me such a husband despite the many ggrrrrrrr moments with him hahahhaah.

4.      Empathy.  My dear parents, this would mean that if you have learned the previous three, you are able to sense well others – husband family and children in terms of nonverbal expressions.  Non verbals could mean eyes, facial expression, tone of voice and body movements.  And so you are able to decide on perfect time to talk to any member of your family since you can see by the facial expression, movement, tone of voice, eyes, etc. if  it is safe to approach any member of your family after certain emotional challenges.

Now between me and my husband. Hmm I have known him for almost 15 years now.  What I see in him is a man that can express himself  so most of the time, I don’t really have to read or interpret his non verbal expression.  I find it so easy to approach and ask him about how he feels too since he tells me about it.  And I find myself very comfortable at expressing myself feelings to him.  Hehehehe too comfortable that a lot of times  overdo it (super doooper ouch).

Husbands and wives should learn to read nonverbal but this will not be needed if  both know how to express emotions to each other.  One need not interpret or read between the lines when both are so free to express themselves. 

5.      Handling Relationship / Social Art.  This means that when each parent knows the first four of the domains of EQ, it won’t be hard the 5^th one.  This part involves a lot of listening from the other person.  Listening dissipates negative energies from the other person.  When a husband or a wife knows how to listen from each other, it makes the other feel comfort and acceptance.  Let me stress that listening is a lot different from hearing.  Hearing just involves the ears allowing information to come into the ears.  Listening involves the emotion.  You feel, journey, empathize with the other person.  And for that, you send the message “I feel you”  with your own two eyes and heart fully glued and attentive to the other person – husband or wife.

When I and my husband decides to really talk and express really emotional information, we decide to be invisible.  We lock each other inside the room and give each other time to express until the intense emotions starts to settle until we become ready to listen.  Most of the time we decide what to do with what happened and how we felt.  And rarely were those moments when we cannot pursue yet with the decision since we allow more thinking and emotional relaxation for us to come up with a decision. 

I just feel right now that what I am sharing here is never easy since intense emotion is so tiring.  But they have to be expressed and not just express them.  They have to be expressed the right way.  That is the challenge of EQ.  if this one is the family’s constant practice.  Children will get the message that it is fine to express emotions. That they are allowed to express them yet they can learn the proper way of doing it from their own parents.  We parents can model.  It is such a challenge to become a parents at this age where technology seem to surpass and take over parental presence and control. 

Moreover, it would make it all the more hard if the family sets aside prayer.  If parents don’t pray, their children won’t.  It is impossible for a parent to dictate to their children to pray when they are not seen doing it.  I shared to the participants in the first Parenting seminar I ever gave that “our mission is to pray for our children”.  Parents should pray for their children. .. for our children.  There is something in this life that moves and creeps in silence.  It can be God’s grace or the evil one.  Let’s make right for our children…for their bright future. 

One father consulted me about what he must do for his 7 year old child that has been bullying and stealing his classmates.  I told him to give her time.  To wake up for her and join her at breakfast.  I was just so glad her wife interrupted and suggested that her husband could bathe or change her clothes in the morning.  He could go back to sleep when he is done.  Actually he comes home late at night and her daughter leaves for school when he is still asleep so they don’t practically see each other during the  week.  When they see each other during the weekend, they just watch videos and that is it.  That is bonding for them. 

Lastly, my dear parents, our children don’t come to us by accident.  They are given to us to be taken cared of.  We cannot allow someone or television or any other form of technology to demean our capacity to form our own children.  It should be us that should be giving the formation.  And we need GOD to do that.  Despite our so called knowledge and expertise, without God’s grace, all else shall be useless.   God works wonders and miracles.

My daughter at her age joins family rosary every night and can sustain the length of time prayer at her very young age 1 year and 5 month old.  God works wonders and miracles for us each day through her.  And so we continue to form her in our own neophyte  capacity.  The rest is God’s.

May God’s grace be with us as we continue to form our children to become emotionally intelligent and God-fearing.  Amen.

So how do we apply it to our children?...way to go for part 2 dear friends...:-)

SO SHORT A LIFE TO MESS UP

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I learned one of the lessons on relating with others through my husband. At times, conflict arise from small to big things. We have gotten used to it when we were still singles. Good thing we lived separately that time so we could have those space and time more than enough to process things prior to our scheduled time to talk.

However, we are both confronted with the same concern when we got married only that we now live together. The luxury of that space and time is no longer available given the living arrangement. We are challenged to face each other immediately. That was kind of difficult at first.

At my end I tried the old way of doing it such that I kept my space and silence in his presence but it did not help at all. It prolonged the pain. We both realized that the old way of doing it won’t help at all. And so we tried something that would work out for both of us such as:

1. When there is a concern or issue, we immediately talk about it.

2. We try to talk on regular, normal tone of voice ( that which only both of us can hear heheh).

3. We both try to focus on the issue and not point on some past events that were already dealt with.

4. We include appreciating each other’s effort

5. When these things are discussed, we decide to let go of it and move on.

At my end I deliberately decide to personally resolve and to consciously keep watch so as not to go back to any of it. I do not want to go out of the house also carrying the pain at the beginning of my day. Since I always decide to start my day right, anything negative that would come in between is not allowed to eat up my positive energy. I would then hold my husband’s hand and say still my “ I love you”…”have a nice day today hon”… or “I am sorry”…”we will make time to talk about it” …and end it with “God bless you or us both”.

Let me deviate a little…This is such a short life we have. From the last typhoon Sendong (Washi) and quoting one victim Bevs : “Let us treasure every moment of our life because we never know WHEN and HOW it will end, “ I could now readily sing my day with joy and hope with myself and everyone I meet that I can decide each moment to live it to the fullest and treasure what I’ve got.

There are so many challenges living in this world. Aside from the pain that we may be inflicting with each other intentional or not from our own ego stricken relating and encounters on a day to day basis. Why can’t we just decide to enjoy each others’ company and put them over and above the desire to be on top of our jobs, school, community, country or the world.

For all we know, when we die, we won’t be asking how much money we’ve got, or if our business is on top or if our properties are well kept and managed, etc. In the face of death, we would then be going back to our own hearts, looking for people close to us and whom we would want to be with in our deathbed. We would then be spending our last few moments with them which we did not dare share when we could have lots of it prior to the end of our lives…

The time that we have spent hurting others then should be a deliberate decision to spend it in loving them. In this manner, we would be able to say at the end of our lives that we have given so much of that love than its opposite when accounted for the kind of lives we lived.

To quote an unknown writer to me : “ Let me do whatever good I can do at this time for I shall not pass this way again…”

To my husband Mike …living with you and loving you each day is the most beautiful growth that I have ever experienced in my entire life…:-) Thank you for sticking out and growing with me. I love you honey:-)

PS : Let us all strive not to give up on anyone even those that seem to be very difficulty to deal with....