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We “join hands” realizing that
it could help so well our family particularly the parents in raising children
with high EQ. Our simple premise rests
on the statement “parents with high Emotional intelligence passes on the same
to their own children”. Thus, it starts
nowhere else but through the parents.
This is now our advocacy. And, I am going to describe its scope that
parents could practice first for themselves.
Though I have described this in my previous blogs, yet it is just at
this time that I am going to make parents own them so as to be able to join us
in our advocacy.
1.
Self-awareness. This means that parents should know how to
identify and name their own feelings.
Together with this is to be able to neutrally observe its intensity,
thoughts that accompany it or be able to identify, face head on the cause of
such feeling. This should be done like a
fulltime job such that, there is a full time awareness of the existence of the
feeling without being carried by it.
I
and my husband learned to assert ourselves from our own families. What do I mean by asserting. We are so expressive as individuals. We express how we feel to each other even to
the last detail of how and why we feel the way we feel. When this happens, it is kind of tough and I
find us both so intense. We don’t hide
emotion from each other no matter how painful it can get when it is expressed
and we both reaped acceptance and understanding from each other.
2.
Managing
Emotion. This part makes points to our own unique
individuality such that we have our own way of diverting for a while our
attention to some other activities such as reading a good book, listening to
comforting music, eating good food, any form of exercise, etc. all for the reason of not really directly
reacting to the emotion as soon as it strikes.
Overwhelming emotion may blur our “vision” such that finding alternative
courses of actions may not be possible at its height. Intense emotion passes with time so when it
happens it starts to settle down which follows proper thinking, discernment and
decision making.
I
do admit I have lots of those moments when I get so angry with my husband. Anger is so tempting. I felt like it is pursuing me and that it
wants to be expressed outright thus, giving the false belief that it can be
satisfied when expressed “loudly”. It is
not true.
At
my end it helped when I just decided to pull out. My own daughter helped me well. Without her knowing it, she has become my
motivation not to answer back most especially when she is with us. I did not want her to hear us express our anger
to each other. Not just yet and not in
the manner we wanted it. I learned my
lesson when we underestimated her capacity when she was 5 month old. I and my husband were in a heated discussion
when we realized our daughter has been for a while moving her eyes from me to
my husband and vise versa. In an instant
we both stopped and pulled out from her sight.
From then on, we agreed to remind each other during the same challenging
moment as husband and wife.
3.
Motivating
Oneself (The Master’s aptitude). This means that as parents we are able to
pursue whatever it is that we are doing or still decide to go to work, or
decide to continue living and loving our spouse or each other despite the
struggle of emotion. We feel positive
and continue to hope despite our circumstances.
We continue to be patient with our children despite our struggles with
them.
Despite
being young as a couple, I could say that we have gone through several tough
times including our relationship. Would
you believe that I have decided to give up our relationships many times
everytime I feel that my husband was not participative enough in the
relationship and in some moments that need us both to decide. Yet, he made me feel that he was not giving
up and everytime I challenged him, he would openly tell me about what he could
do. I have told him not to assume so
much that things are well when things seem to be smooth. There are times when we had to dive into many
situations and emotions in order for us to see more. I know I am not making things easy for
him. But I admire my husband so much
when I see him willing to learn the things that I know even when it calls for
him to bend hard.
Hmmm
one thing though. I did not really make
him bend hard to change his values since, he values the good that I saw. The only thing was, he felt that I am too
sensitive and that at times he is not seeing immediately what I saw. Please don’t get me wrong, I get a lot of
“spanking” too from him. He reminds me
so much that life is not really that smooth and we have to continue with our
partnership no matter what. Oohhh thank
you dear God for giving me such a husband despite the many ggrrrrrrr moments
with him hahahhaah.
4.
Empathy. My dear parents, this would mean that if you
have learned the previous three, you are able to sense well others – husband
family and children in terms of nonverbal expressions. Non verbals could mean eyes, facial
expression, tone of voice and body movements. And so you are able to decide on perfect time
to talk to any member of your family since you can see by the facial
expression, movement, tone of voice, eyes, etc. if it is safe to approach any member of your
family after certain emotional challenges.
Now
between me and my husband. Hmm I have known him for almost 15 years now. What I see in him is a man that can express
himself so most of the time, I don’t
really have to read or interpret his non verbal expression. I find it so easy to approach and ask him
about how he feels too since he tells me about it. And I find myself very comfortable at
expressing myself feelings to him.
Hehehehe too comfortable that a lot of times overdo it (super doooper ouch).
Husbands
and wives should learn to read nonverbal but this will not be needed if both know how to express emotions to each
other. One need not interpret or read
between the lines when both are so free to express themselves.
5.
Handling
Relationship / Social Art. This
means that when each parent knows the first four of the domains of EQ, it won’t
be hard the 5th one. This
part involves a lot of listening from the other person. Listening dissipates negative energies from
the other person. When a husband or a
wife knows how to listen from each other, it makes the other feel comfort and
acceptance. Let me stress that listening
is a lot different from hearing. Hearing
just involves the ears allowing information to come into the ears. Listening involves the emotion. You feel, journey, empathize with the other
person. And for that, you send the
message “I feel you” with your own two
eyes and heart fully glued and attentive to the other person – husband or wife.
When
I and my husband decides to really talk and express really emotional
information, we decide to be invisible.
We lock each other inside the room and give each other time to express
until the intense emotions starts to settle until we become ready to
listen. Most of the time we decide what
to do with what happened and how we felt.
And rarely were those moments when we cannot pursue yet with the
decision since we allow more thinking and emotional relaxation for us to come
up with a decision.
I
just feel right now that what I am sharing here is never easy since intense
emotion is so tiring. But they have to
be expressed and not just express them.
They have to be expressed the right way.
That is the challenge of EQ. if
this one is the family’s constant practice.
Children will get the message that it is fine to express emotions. That
they are allowed to express them yet they can learn the proper way of doing it
from their own parents. We parents can
model. It is such a challenge to become
a parents at this age where technology seem to surpass and take over parental
presence and control.
Moreover,
it would make it all the more hard if the family sets aside prayer. If parents don’t pray, their children
won’t. It is impossible for a parent to
dictate to their children to pray when they are not seen doing it. I shared to the participants in the first
Parenting seminar I ever gave that “our mission is to pray for our
children”. Parents should pray for their
children. .. for our children. There is
something in this life that moves and creeps in silence. It can be God’s grace or the evil one. Let’s make right for our children…for their
bright future.
One
father consulted me about what he must do for his 7 year old child that has
been bullying and stealing his classmates.
I told him to give her time. To wake up
for her and join her at breakfast. I was
just so glad her wife interrupted and suggested that her husband could bathe or
change her clothes in the morning. He
could go back to sleep when he is done.
Actually he comes home late at night and her daughter leaves for school
when he is still asleep so they don’t practically see each other during
the week. When they see each other during the weekend,
they just watch videos and that is it.
That is bonding for them.
Lastly,
my dear parents, our children don’t come to us by accident. They are given to us to be taken cared
of. We cannot allow someone or
television or any other form of technology to demean our capacity to form our
own children. It should be us that
should be giving the formation. And we
need GOD to do that. Despite our so
called knowledge and expertise, without God’s grace, all else shall be
useless. God works wonders and
miracles.
My
daughter at her age joins family rosary every night and can sustain the length
of time prayer at her very young age 1 year and 5 month old. God works wonders and miracles for us each
day through her. And so we continue to
form her in our own neophyte
capacity. The rest is God’s.
May
God’s grace be with us as we continue to form our children to become
emotionally intelligent and God-fearing.
Amen.
So how do we apply it to our children?...way to go for part 2 dear friends...:-)
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