"You Know Better Than I" - In Memory of Chacha

Chacha my little puppy - buddy passed away 2 nights ago. It was not a simple journey. She was shared by my sister's family and myself. So she goes from one house to another. I get to have her weekends and when Tobby my other dog needs a playmate. I bathe both of them after which i tie Tobby at the side of the gate and I bring chacha inside the house to dry her thick fur. I use my hair blower to do that hahahha (that special ha). If i buy something for Tobby, chacha has it, too. They drink milk and eat dog food. But they like rice too with meat and soup. Whatever i eat, they both eat. All in all Chacha and Tobby both enjoy the luxury and comfort that other dogs (in general) don't have.

I would like to "crop" Tobby for a while and focus on Chacha.

One day i tied both of them facing each other to play. Thinking that they are both safe (under the shade in front of the house), i went to work one morning and left them both in that situation with complete food, milk and water. The rain started pouring in the afternoon and i did not even bother to think of any of them. But then i was worried to see chacha so wet entangled beside the house. She was so wet and cold. I grabbed her whole body and carried it with me wrapping her with some cloth to wipe and comfort her.

She was all the same so alive, wiggly and entertained me all the way. The usual chacha. But then she started coughing the day after that. And so i gave her some vitamins to take. The following day she was slow already and avoided food. She vomited and defecated often which i thought was just one of those things that Tobby had. But it was different already. One day she was at my sister's house without water and food (she was too friendly that she shared her food to stray cats:-))and got dehydrated.

I got her there when i arrived home and nursed her all the way but she did not recover. All in all, that fateful night (2 nights ago) she passed away while i held her in my hand.

I was so sorry. I cried my heart out. Until yesterday, i continued to blame myself for that one sad and poor soul of chacha not being given full attention. Everyone was busy - work, studies, etc. Lots of things to do.

I wasn't able to get a good sleep. I thought of her the whole time. I felt her soul / spirit left her body. I felt her last breath. I felt her wherever in the house. I blamed myself. My busy-ness. I got engaged with a lot of things. I left her. So I lost her.

My God ...she is just a dog...but she made me see parenting. I was scared...scared that i would not be able to give the attention to my future child (hahhahahah). I felt sadness and loneliness trying to envelope me. I sought for God's comfort. I asked questions such as:

1. what did i do God?
2. am i to blame?
3. where is chacha right now?
4. Is she playing with you? is she in your arms?
5. What must i do?
6. Why did you take him from me? from us?

Someone told me that she has served her purpose. That was only until that time. Her time. But to realize future without her. What am I doing? What am i thinking? I feel so attached. It is like loosing a human being. Chacha was not just a puppy. She was my dear oh so dear little puppy girlash...she was special. I cared for her. I love/d her...She will remain in my heart. So when the neighbor that gave her to us told me that they will give me/us another puppy...I said "no". I am not ready yet. I am not ready to replace chacha yet. I still feel her. Her tiny tongue wetting my cheek hehehehhehe. I simply misssssssssss her.

This one experience made me think of a lot of things :

1. Letting go
It is hard to let go when you are attached. Letting go is quite painful. You feel the person, memories, the loss, the final separation

2. Parenting
Giving attention to kids when they need it the most ( sickness or even if they are not)

3. God's will - when God says and wills it...that's it...

4. Acceptance
This is very important. The grace to accept is readily available when one asks for it

5. "You Know Better Than I" - from : Joseph the Dreamer
This song is my song for this experience. I downloaded this song a week ago. I did not expect that it would be dedicated to my puppy lovie. This one beautiful song led me to pick up... I hope you will like it, too.

Come sail with me in my pain and my picking up... And so "...I have let go the need to know why...YOU KNOW BETTER THAN I"

If chacha could read, this is my letter for her...

You came to me one day as a surprise. A heaven sent. You made me so happy the whole time you were with me and Tobby. Despite your naughty, playful barking, you entertain me with your wiggling tail. You are such a lovely tale of all tales of dog stories. You are one beautiful part of my life's story...I love you my chacha puppy doggie...lovie mwahhhh ...bye bye...rest now and play well where you are. I see you now wrapped by Jesus in His arms...(hahhahah sana hindi ako sapakin ni Jesus). Love, Your playmate Dangie


To conclude...i am simply crazy in love...both humans and animals...ask St. Francis of Assisi ...he can tell you better...mwahhh I love you allllllllll...I love God...and so I rest...

God's will...My Peace...Amen