I See Them

I woke up this morning
Misty eyed and blank
Why can someone does such a thing?
Many suffer

Why oh why?
God sees man's struggle
If such calloused heart continues
Them that struggle
Will have the agony day after day

What can i do?
I feel so helpless with what i see
When my hand starts to write
They are blocked by someone's "might"
I feel so helpless

I see their eyes
I bleed inside
When must suffering end
How can i comfort these souls
I feel that i have not done enough

I thought of parting
I thought of space
I thought i should free my heart
I do suffer...
I feel so pained ...

My arms are wide open
Now...they are still but weary
I want to hold them
Nurse them in my heart
It hurts so much

If only i have much of those strength
That i could contain them in my heart
Oh my ...oh my...
I know even if i feel God's silence
He has them ...held in his Love.....

Thank you so much my God...

God's Will, My Peace

I actually got the title from my 19th Annotation Retreat. Lately, i was starting to question my situations. All the things that transpired seem to bring a lot of headache. Stressors keep on coming. I thought something has gone wrong with the way i am perceiving things. I simply decided not to get caught with it. When some situations occur...they are the reality at that moment. To accept them is simply letting go of myself and allow situations to be as they are. If i did my part ...and i did them well...and with the unfolding of events...there God is telling me something about them.

Let His will be my peace...no more struggles...:-)

A Surprise Gift

I received a beautiful Christmas card yesterday from Fr. Frank...crafted and designed by himself (super talented...). He calls its "old fashioned" but not for me. I like old ways, traditions, etc. They reminisce beautiful memories. When i was a kid, i made cards too. They were usually projects that my teachers asked us to do to be given to special people in our lives. I usually gave them to my parents, brothers, sisters and friends. Since i did not find myself artistic, some of those i made were meant only for submission, grading and kept in my "baul". But those i found attractive, i gave them. But my parents simply accepted them despite the looks and i got the most beautiful smile from them.

Nickey, my pamangkin does it more often to his parents. I appreciated him very much for doing such (though still it is a school project). But the effort of my SD Fr. Frank is something that of an extra mile...He crafted them in his own hands and intentionally give them not because it is a school project....hehehe perhaps i could do the same...hehehe thinking of it...gakalingaw nako ...:-)

This time...the artist in me is slowly waking up...:-)

Thank you Fr. Frank...such a beautiful gift you gave...Merry Christmas...hohohohohhhh

Focus on Serving...Focus on Loving

Before i start up something, i check my motivations. It usually gives me a halt when motivation-wise (hehe if there is such a word) would give me feedback that the focus is self not service. If I could not get the shape of my sincere motive of serving and ultimately, loving...i don't do it. And so waiting comes in.

There are lots of waiting. It is not a waiting for the availability of funds. Though i admit it is one of the major concerns, but, it is the waiting for Dang to shape up. Though i get frustrated at times with myself but not really with Dang. She is such a daring adventure of everything...i am trying to get to know her even more with her thoughts, desires and actions. I always forgive myself and Dang when we both falter and fail, that's why we are both so comfortable with each other (just like the way i befriend Mike).

And so we wait that service and loving be the real motive. we sift, sort, resort...Tedious but we are not giving up...joyful? yes...and hopeful? ......OHHHHHHHHH YESSSSSSSSSS!:-0 hahahhahahhahahhahahhahahhahahahah

In Love? yes yes yes ....hahhahahhahahhahahhahahhahaha

My "Beautiful" Project

For almost two weeks now, i started a beautiful project - my t shirt and accessories shop. With my meager budget, two generous carpenters have extended themselves giving cheaper service than the usual (and i gave them free meals,snacks and chikka interviews). The shop is almost done but i could not be totally convinced with making it a clothes shop. And so i prayed for guidance as to what to do with it. With its native and cute look i could make it something perhaps more worthwhile than a clothes shop...

And so while the construction is on going, a friend asked me to do counseling for her son and some people in the company requested for my private counseling service. And so making it a counseling room was the idea that came in. At the moment the idea is still an idea heheheh. Still, i am in the process of beautifying the shop and continuing to envision of something like pushing through with my consultancy, trainings and counseling service.

In prayer, i am like planting the seed for the idea to come to reality...the Joyfully Hopeful shirts will then be promoted during counseling...:-) How is that God huh? hehehehehehhe I simply love the idea...

Wait lang beauty ko sa Boss ko above...:-)

TRUE SPIRIT

I thought of those Christmases when i was a kid. I was highly anticipating many things such as mama's cooking (as in super lots of food plus my visits to neighbors hahahhaha namasko), caroling, Christmas parties, new clothes, gifts from classmates, and the ones a year gift pack given to kids by the neighborhood organization - a brown paper bag full of goodies such as candies, toys, paper ball, plastic balloon.

I also lit some firecrackers with my friends and the "watosee"...(oops i don't know the spelling but it is a red slender thing that when you light at one end, travels at flip and then gone).

As years advanced, i saw how my expectations of the coming of Christmas dwindled. So many realities have come forth before my eyes that my excitement became the regular day to day feeling that is ...wala lang...minsan numb...:-(

I am now looking into the real and true spirit of Christmas. Though i like so much receiving gifts and imagining that i could fill up my table with all sorts of food. But then i am seeing that i have more than enough for myself. I could try filling up someone's table (not necessarily mine:-)). Perhaps giving brings in the true spirit that i have been anticipating. Perhaps i could see Him through the eyes that don't have enough on the table. Not really perhaps... but i believe in my heart...i would see and feel HIM through them.

WINGLESS ANGELS

Last night someone called me an "Angel" to the rescue on behalf of a priest that did not show up hahahhahahah to lead the opening prayer of a program and prayer before meal:-)... That was like unexpected comment. The dominant feeling was not being worthy to be called as such. As i checked myself, I believe anyone can be an angel in disguise...Anybody can be used by God to represent Him in any situation. His representative, His messenger when any of His people needs Him. Who else but...us?

But more than anything...people are seeing me and BEYOND ME...seeing that i can do God's work and so they come for anything - do counseling for a member of the family or do counseling for them, do some introduction of a production number, write eulogy for someone that died...as in super dooper hahhahahaha (my sister was shocked when i told her this)...

They also flock for comments and assurance with how they look or the style of clothing or write a personality development program for them. And the most heartwarming of all that i had was when in some acquaintances, strangers, colleagues, or old friends open and pour out their hearts (in buckets of tears most of the time). They simply trust me. And ohhhh i feel the need to take care of them. They come because they feel that i can be trusted and more than anything they see God in me....grabe talaga na pressure ...damang dama ko yon...(dapat talaga ipagpapatuloy ang pagpapakabait hahahhahaha).

Some of them asked about my professional fee...i could not utter anything simply because i already got used to helping anyone in need that i don't really know if i could attach any fee for anything i do as a favor for others that need my help ...in anyway i can.

Anyhow, the fee can be discussed though for some special services like trainings or perhaps i could engage in a professional counseling practice in the future hahahhahahaha (now toying the brilliant idea) but not with some small favors to friends ...and there are lots of them... I guess then that being called an angel by some individuals is appropriate.

And so everyday can be a planting of small seeds of hope for others... we can do this together...we can be God's Wingless Angels...:-)

Hahay...Hunger...

Hunger is a desire to be filled in particularly with food. But hunger can mean a desire to fill up the ego. In my not so remote past, i wanted to excel to get the attention of my family. When is started working, I wanted to be noticed. But when a certain post to lead was given to me, I said no. You know why? I was one big critique to particular leaders. And so i was afraid that when i lead, i would experience the same (whahahhahahahh walay klaro noh?)

At first i don't really understand why i see a lot of bouts among leaders (almost everyone of them wants the spot on top :-) ew) and when a new ones comes out and up, the older ones are threatened (why man oi? don't they know that new ones may bring in something new that may help or refresh leadership practice?).

Actually, i was a victim myself by a threatened leader and i thought of shunning it off and not giving in to such insecurity. I have a choice as to how i would respond to the situation. I could still choose to improve myself and enjoy my beautiful moments and opportunity to lead:-). The thing is, the more i hide, work and be invisible, the more i get noticed (chuvaness hahahahha). Do I have a problem with that? At first i did. Now no more. I just have to get the job done and put in as much love as i can...

work...work...love..love... ( sa tinuod lang ga labad ako ulo sa ila oi...hahay...but pasagdan ko na lang...mas maayo i ampo ang mga katugulangan hahahahhaha)

To close this, i would like to post this qoute : "...their hunger increases as their humanity fades away". This one i don't like a bit :-(

Competitions vs Personal Growth and Joy

http://hopeforyourfamily.com/2010/01/26/tug-of-war/
Someone told me last week "you are a strong competitor to them". I was like "ouch"...what happened? I mean to some of these people. Actually, someone from the previous workplace happened to utter those words and we were both laughing at it.

For the past years, i strove not to give in to competitions but pushed myself to improve my crafts and the person that i am. Sometimes i feel threatened when i see some strong personalities or someone displaying great skills, capacities and the potential to become someone in the organization. But the more i focused on them, the more i forgot about my capacities and improving myself. I was never happy with that later. I get to loose my balance if i give in to competitions.

Though i focus on improving myself, i still strive to detach from myself and ego so that i would experience the joy of it all...:-)

Emotions and EQ

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/dont-delay/200908/regulating-your-emotions

Through the years, i have experienced the ups and downs of emotions. And so when i came across a topic in my post graduate studies entitled Emotional Intelligence, i dove and browsed through the book, reported it in class, researched more on the topic and made a beautiful craft of Human relations skills training workshop applying its concepts.

Emotional Intelligence is presented by Goleman in one of his definitions based on Aristotle's statement as “the rare skill to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way”. It is such a rare skill since, i rarely find such kind of person (or perhaps at one point i may be able to do such and in another instance i loose the balance). I humbly admit the the difficulty i went through in dealing with myself and my emotions.


This one definition puts my nerves and temper to one of life's greatest tests (i had lots of battles with emotions for the past years...at present ...i am learning to befriend them heheheh). Emotions shift from time to time. I would like to share in this article the 5 domains that may help anyone that may have undergone such a terrible time with handling emotions and point to some outside factors or causes to blame than "looking" within and manage oneself.

The five domains by Goleman are as follows:

1. Self-awareness
For Goleman, self-awareness is being able to identify and name the emotion. Not being able to do this, ownership is not possible. This also includes being able to evenly hover or neutrally observe the emotions as they occur and to at least point to a particular trigger or cause.

2. Managing Emotion

Managing emotions call for the initial skill of self-awareness before one is able to manage it. Moreover, managing emotion is an art. One's uniqueness puts him / her in the spot of managing emotional encounters according to one's personality. Some would like to divert with sports, go to some solitary plight such as the beach or exclusive places such as retreat house. Some would prefer staying in the private confines of a bedroom. Others would prefer reading books, finishing a chore in the house, window shopping (or shopping kung may pera hahhahah), watch comedy movies, etc. But the best so far i had to divert, yet focus is prayer ( i like to linger in front of the blessed sacrament even without saying anything...). After which, i feel a great release of my soul from the entangles and attachments with anger and many other overwhelming feelings that i experienced.

3. Motivating Oneself
Despite the emotional upheavals, one is able to push through with the day. This part says that one is able to stay positive with life and keep oneself on track despite and inspite of.

4. Empathy

The popular statement that says "being able to put oneself in the shoes of another" is best translated also as pakiramdam in Filipino. Being able to sense others feelings is built on self- awareness. As one is able to sense oneself and be aware of the movement of feelings within, manage it, and life life despite of, one becomes more sensitive how others feel through facial expression, sound of voice or body language. Research says that 90% of our emotions are unexpressed and so they leave us figuring how others would feel that may lead to misinterpretations. The greatest and powerful communicator of nonverbals are our eyes. They are the windows of the soul. One may be able to insist on certain facts about oneself through words but the eyes reveal those unexpressed and those that cannot be defined by words (i'd say ...much stronger than all thunders combined hahahahhaha....based on experience po hahahhah).

5. Social Skills

The higher one is able to handle the first four domains of emotional intelligence, the more he / she becomes successful in relating with others. Who would like to be with a highly volatile personality except the one that is able to handle himself successfully in terms of emotions.

Since 2005, i facilitated a workshop applying the above concepts (to teachers, school administrators, guidance counselors in the province, graduate school students, seminarians, Church workers and recently the corporate world...and many other groups in the past)and taken from other sources also for they held me captive since the participants were greatly hit and entirely captured by it (actually their positive feedback motivated me to continue facilitating this topic). Though concepts of Goleman were used, the activities were originally designed so that they may illustrate how a participant should go about each domain for self explorations and exercises.

Recently, in my Human Resource practice, i thought i could shift to other ways of dealing with human relations concerns, yet my heart brings me back to integrate EQ and still get similar and strong responses from participants.

It has been five years since I started using the concepts in my trainings and i cant find any reason of stopping except to continue and enhance it ...The thing is, i have not yet mastered myself yet, and so i just can't call any halt. I and my future participants will work hand in hand in improving ourselves. I and them are still a work in progress:-)

The Unique DANG

When you’re just like everybody else, you’ve nothing to offer other than your conformity. - Dr. Wayne Dyer...

The statement above by Dr. Dyer led me to this writing that says... The unique child inside Glenda named dang has a lot to offer. She just sank in self pity as she was always compared with her siblings when she was a kid. Surprises of all, she began to come out during those years in college when she had all the strength to pursue what she wanted like taking up Psychology, moved up to masters, dressed up unlike the others (swift and mild style that spoke of grace), pursued singing (not really careered heheh) in college, danced so well, started to design modules and gave talks in her Catholic Christian community and many more...

As she slowly came out from herself, she just became so vibrant with life...she likes to laugh and giggle. She is soo funny and so spontaneous with jokes. She likes to animate. And she has her unique way of praying such as visualizing Jesus and the Father (heaven is visualized as a playground and where she can simply hop on the Father's huge bed or sleep at His feet or threw stones at the heavens or bite her angel's wings...chillax folks...imagination lang:-)).

Though she likes to talk, she likes to listen, too. She cries when she feels like or when listening with sad stories shared by anyone (actually when she is both happy and sad...she cries heheh odd ha).

And i tell you she feels a lot and has strong intuition with how others feel. She is so sensitive and can read feelings written on the face (that's why she can easily respond when she sees pain...in the eyes of anyone).

She can fashion and refashion different encounters. She can calm down an angry soul...simply because she listens and accepts without question. And, she is so crazy in love and humbly embraces the need to learn more in this aspect.

Oh so wonderful creature....Beautiful Dang. She is simply splendid, marvelous, awesome...And now she found more of herself through writing, designing and continues to explore her capacities. And instead of pursuing the world's fashion...she found passion...to serve in everything she does.

I would want to declare that I LOVE DANG AND I THANK GOD FOR CREATING HER...HOW WONDERFUL HE IS THAT CREATED HER...I CELEBRATE WITH THE UNIQUE AND BEAUTIFUL LITTLE GIRL...INSIDE...GLENDA:-) AMEN!!!

P.S. GOD must be soooo BEAUTIFUL... Dang is just a glimpse of HIS BEAUTY...OMG hehhe as in Oh My God!!!!!! can i contain Him when i see Him one day?

"CARIDAD"...LIKES LABELS

I simply toy with one of those past events when i was yet in the academe and my work led me to some public schools to present ourselves to top graduating classes inviting them to take our scholarship exams. In one public school, i had such an encounter with a principal that simply gave me an idea how attaching so much with "ego" may bring such havoc to relating (hahahahhahah i hope i am not too harsh in this) and bring bad light to our image in its truest sense.

To continue, we went inside the principal's office and introduced ourselves. We were expecting that at least the principal would deal with us "properly"... with proper introductions (i guess heheh) but it made us ask if we could get her complete name for our documentation as we go back to our school. Since she opted to stay composed and keep her reserved state (to mildly put it hehe), she simply pointed to that label on top of the table that said "Caridad Baltazar, Ph.D." (not her real name...just the title hehe). And so i felt like jumping, blurting the line "Oh you are Dr. Caridad Baltazar" (i almost added Ph.D. after Baltazar hahahhahahha to pamper her ego and as in super doooper Dr. and Ph.D... my English teachers could kill me...joke lang hehehehe).

I was simply blown away by the strongest "air" that passed us. It left us (ni Faith, a friend and former colleague), looking at each others' eyes in silence ...actually MU kami ...mutual understanding ...and super dooper tawa ...to the max).


In my lifetime, i met lots of "Caridads". I got to be like them too at times. Like, I preferred being called as ma'am or madam than dang or my real name. Perhaps too, if i had just finished my Ph.D., i would prefer being called the title of Caridad hehehheeheh.

Truly, I liked (with emphasis on the past tense hahahha) being called by titles, it threw certain color and smell in the air allowing others to see and smell me too. With that i felt getting their respect. I liked also decorating myself with good and power dressed clothes when i go to work. (Aside from the fact that they are proper attire for work:-) They give me the sense of respect and they initially covered up my insecurities.

But just that encounter with Caridad shifted my heart and mentality to 180 degrees. It made me ask "is there a much better way of getting respect than what this lady is doing?". Again, I was simply blown away and realized her approach is NOT the "one" i should be doing.

On the other hand, it amazes me how other countries like the United States' professionals call each other by first names. I thought when I got to listen how they did it to each other, "if this thing works out in this country...it is possible at mine".

The latter, strongly supported the previous that made me really like being called by my name. And it sounds so good. This time when others mention my name, it reminds me of my openness to anyone that comes or join my life's "crazy and passionate" quests (hahahhaha). It reminds me of unity than division - professional or non prof alike, rich or poor, Christians or not, etc.

Titles or positions should not define us. They are just trappings and labels. What is the difference anyway, between me and the beggar i happen to pass by everyday. Perhaps the clothes or that i get to sleep a better bed or eat better food. But what humbles me is the fact and truth that ONE DAY I AND THAT BEGGAR WILL DIE. And we are not even sure if we get that special spot in heaven (me i like the flower garden and the green grass of the heavens hehehhe). That one beggar that i pass by everyday may get that much better place... who knows? we don't really know...who's who or who would be in the final list (wait until i get to make kulit with my friend Peter hahahhahah).

We do panic ourselves with getting too many things and too much of the "trappings" that they become heavy for us to travel freely and unattached. I say, we travel light or perhaps choose to travel with nothing and simply unattached. Let us not argue with the "nothing"...for i feel i need not expound this further. I have that confidence in my heart that you know better (heheh I could not underestimate yours and my capacities).

Lastly, i am not saying that accomplishments, achievements, success or anything related to that would not bring us closer to our "destination". I would say we strive and continue to build ourselves up but decide to be unattached with anything. When we die, we don't bring our titles, cars, houses, bank accounts etc. We will be judged according to one measure only - LOVE...and as such our real identity and image is not of this world. We are all meant to reach heaven...labels would soon become...dust...



A quote from Pope John Paul VI:

"Somebody should have told us right at the start of our lives that we are dying. Then we might live life to the limit, every minute of everyday. Do it I say! Whatever you want to do, do it now! There are only so many tomorrows."

Waking Up With a Purpose

I happen to run through a coffee advertisement that says "kanino ka ba gumigising?". It did not really ring a bell at first except when my eyes were no longer glued on the screen. My heart simply felt and "captured" the sound of it (as in wow ...super beautiful question... at ganon ka tindi ang dating ng tanong).

And so i related it with these lines from Pedro Arrupe, a Jesuit that lived a very passionate life saying ...“Nothing is more practical than finding God, that is, than falling in a love in a quite absolute, final way. What you are in love with, what seizes your imagination will affect everything. It will decide what will get you out of bed in the mornings, what you will do with your evenings, how you spend your weekends, what you read, who you know, what breaks your heart, and what amazes you with joy and gratitude. Fall in love, stay in love, and it will decide everything.”

Arrupe's statements sweep it all. They summarize some fundamental and basic ways of motivating towards living our lives. Starting a day ...falling so deeply in love in quite absolute final way..." (as in woowww) i just feel that there is nothing beyond the point of the absolute (but if there is something beyond this, this space can't be owned by anyone else but MY GOD). But this has to be captured by action. Love in Action... everyday...

I happen to see a video of a very ...ohh so frustrating incident of a suicide put on video via internet by the person himself that committed it. He was trying to announce to everyone what he was about to do (suicide live via webcam). It was so sad to see someone loosing hope to live and decide to end his life that way by hanging himself. I saw the struggle and transition of color with his face from pale to becoming so dark until breathing stopped in a matter of less than 1 minute. Well just like that. As fast as that and it really broke my heart yet, i bravely witnessed such on video just to see and feel what this person might be feeling...it drained me... I just wanted to cry and cry after that.

Loosing hope and reason to live. Not having any reason to fire up the day or start the day can be one of those that we may be experiencing. I had lots of those actually in the many years of facing life's battles and struggles. The latest incident happened immediately after my 19th annotation retreat. After such arduous spiritual exercises, i was then so certain about what i loved doing and i was like pressuring myself not to pursue doing the rest other than my passion (ash in heheh). Yet, I remained and stood still for i might be entertaining the wrong voice. The days were discolored with the lack of motivation and drive to wake up. I found my energy dwindling. I wasn't able to associate low motivation with loosing the spirit to continue "serving God" in anything and everything about the mission.

Having no reason to wake up or not finding meaning with daily undertakings can affect everything in our lives. And so every time I run through Arrupe's lines, they refresh me in terms of committing myself everyday to continue to live and make each day my "fly day" - that is soar high and live life to the fullest.

I do find my purpose now much better and finer than before. I see more of challenges than making situations a problem. When i meet some really questionable behaviors of individuals:-), i ask "what can i learn from this person" so that i could improve my way of relating the next time.

Though I love talking so much, i usually take some halts to listen. In fact, i take more time to listen this time and simply enjoy each person i meet everyday (perhaps they feel it too and enjoy my company at the same time...well you might as well try me hahahhahah char lang).

I am more conscious as to responding (not reacting ...Mike taught me well in this in our moments of encounter) to questions and just trying to check personal motives and flow of conversation if they are simply discussion of facts - which can be very deceiving and may click the arrow leading to gossips.

I get to check myself when i feel dissatisfied and starts to complain. I see to it that i get the job done and more(which means passionately putting my heart in my work).

In short (which is rather long hhahhahah), i am starting to be more in touch with myself so that i could manifest and be more effective with everything that i do everyday.

But do i really get "sick" and scared waking up in a day. Well it does happen sometimes. And that is only when i start to entertain some negative thoughts so swooosh they come real fast and i felt that i cause and attract them. I tell you it is such a tedious job to pick "me" up when i allowed them to come in.

At this time i wake up and consciously declare "THIS IS GOING TO BE A GREAT DAY, I LOVE DANG AND SHE WILL MAKE A BIG DIFFERENCE" ( heheh with shouts of joooooooooooy). Simply because, i know what makes me happy...that is making others happy...help them find meaning and purpose everyday...so that ultimately, I make HIM happy up there...:-)From this i am declaring ...I HAVE A CHOICE AS TO HOW I SHOULD WAKE UP AND PERK MY DAY:-)