Life's Test and Love

Sometimes we see that situations come over and over again. We throw the question "Why do they keep on happening? Why do they keep on coming back? Perhaps we are not getting the whole point. They have to come back for us to see again and again ... more and more ...

Perhaps if situations could just talk...it would tell us..."you are not getting the whole point. I had to come back for you ...to see more...I am told to do that." (and i would shout at the top of my voice WHO TOLD YOU? whaaaaaaaaahhhhhahahhah?)

I hope we all learn together ...Life's style of learning...This is the real test. And the score is based on Love...nothing else. God can't settle for less. He is perfect. He wants the same from us. Call Him demanding. He has too...He is perfect...He is Love...He gives the ultimate measure...

So...we stick around Him ... and learn...His ways of doing things...not ours (pok pok heheh that's for the head hahahhahahhaha)

The Heart Resigns

Imagine yourself submitting a resignation letter to your employer. You thought and prayed about it for days and for reasons of all reasons you found yourself at the brim of giving up. You just want to end it all and so the resignation letter pops up...ouch not pop up ... I mean you plotted everything so that they would come out well written and done after days of struggle. And when you submit it (provided you discerned well ahhahaha)you release yourself from the tension and swooosh you feel so free.

Let us take a look at the process of the resignation of the heart. At first you find yourself in control of everything. You plan, implement, evaluate...and all of a sudden some twists come. And you realize, you have done everything you can to make things at least perfect in your eyes. But then beyond control, some unexpected challenges come. With all your might you approach in full force but to now avail.

Now you get tired. You struggle, ask questions, blame, and you cannot get all the answers and you feel unjustified. Feeling of helplessness come. You get angry, bargain. You feel tired and then one day you say..."i give up"...your heart is tired...you let go...in prayer you say..."take over God...i am so tired"... And you would say..."I resign...my heart says so"... and swooosh...you relax and releases the ultimate power of the divine penetrating the untrodden path of your heart.

From the process of the resignation letter submitted by an employee to the employer and the heart's resignation? Can you find similarities? I just thought of this a while ago. I thought both undergo the struggle of the weighing and searching for answers until the heart finds it. Until the heart rests. Until the heart finds peace...

If we allow God to come in He might probably say "...if you have done it (the resting and letting go) from the very beginning...you would not be as tired as this...I am here...feel Me...I am the hand that braces everything. I am the ultimate perfection that you were looking for. But you were right when you had to let go... But then and again...my daughter...You should have done it from the very beginning...I love you".

This is my experience...I rest...I resign...

God at work through Emotions

Have your tried talking to yourself? I do it a lot of times. I get to check myself from time to time. This happens when certain experiences trigger intense emotions such as happiness, sadness, loneliness and sometimes even when things are settled and smooth.

I do throw the following questions to check and assess myself before I continue to chart the course :

1. What happened to me?
2. What triggered my anger, happiness, loneliness, etc.?
3. What happened to me today?
4. Did i do the right thing or say the right words?
5. Did i hurt anyone today? or myself?
6. What can i do to help myself?
7. What did i do to help?
8. Do / did i have a choice?
9. How can i let go?

Recently, i have experienced the influx of challenging situations - my niece, subdivision developer miscommunication, and work related concerns. I believe, i passed the test of emotions with my previous losses - puppy and wallet but this time it's different. I seem to simply submit myself to the crippling negative emotions that i resorted emotional support from my sister and again my honey.

I asked God in prayer, "how and where to start?". I learned to pick one stick at a time and let go when i have done the best to each concern. But the weight of emotions is heavy. This time it's the dealing of the self through emotions that brought the most of challenge.

I sought for help and i found it the most in prayer. I got to talk to myself and I felt God is telling me this time to simply open my hand and ...let go...

From humility of the previous week...God wants me to focus on letting go... And so talking to myself to check and assess is really talking to my God that makes Himself present through my emotions.

God is truly at work...through my emotions...

"Fernando" is Hope

I received an invitation (February 22,2011) from Fr. Frank, SJ to join the academic convocation at St. John Vianney seminary. I feared going alone so in the middle of the discussion with the HR Supervisor, I threw the invitation to him and to the sales officer and his assistant. We ate dinner filled with laughter and excitement prior to the activity.

As soon as we got there, we were welcomed well by a seminarian and Fr. Frank himself. We had kumustahan and tawanan. In the middle of it, i felt my hand empty. I was no longer holding my wallet.

I wanted to panic. Instead, i asked assistance from one of my friends to trace our route in the seminary from the time we arrived to the the time we went inside the chapel. To no avail and to my sort of shock state, i stayed in my seat trying to figure out how it happened.


I was on the verge of more intense panic. But i felt the grace of calmness as soon as i asked for it in prayer. I realize, i cannot simply ruin the night. I claimed and chose to stay composed and to stay focused. I already decided to enjoy my night and so it had to be. I declared the choice to have fun!!!!!! I told my friends not to worry about me. And soon enough they were convinced that i was fine ( and i was super dooper oks and totally forgot about it during the activity of the seminarians).

How did i maintain such calmness? In the middle of such intense emotional reaction, i realize it is still a matter of choice whether to give in to the crippling emotion of regret, blame, panic, distress, et. Anything negative that i can associate with the situation.

I don't want to be unfair to myself, my friends, Fr. Frank, the seminarians and all the more to God. I was there to have fun. That moment was a gift...and so i savored it.

Since my mind was still intact after that (Thanks be to God for the grace!!!!), my mind was focused with the next thing to do such as calling all my cards' call centers to block the numbers and thought of securing another driver's license and professional licenses. That was all...

The night ended with me landing in bed not blaming myself or anybody else (bakit ba naman gagawin ko yon heheh). I dozed off to sleep immediately and woke up still hopeful for the next day. I told my honey about the whole incident and as soon as he realized that there was no hint of panic at my end, he just relaxed too and thought of preparing my affidavit of loss (very supportive honey nako...Thanks be to God).

To this day, i still entertain the possibility of having my wallet back but in my heart there is that resignation to God's will. God willing it to happen for me to learn my lesson of focus...focus...focus. But beyond focus is the grace of humility...humbly accepting the loss and totally placing it in God's wisdom behind the situation.

Additional lesson was revealed late today. Just this afternoon, i met a man that expressed his little heroic act of returning the phone that he found to one of our employees. The txt message he received through the phone cited the address of our office so he came for such purpose.

I and the sales officer were both dumbfounded of the great act this man did. Though he was given some sort of "token/gift" to thank him of his initiative, still, I couldn't stop thinking "meron pa palang katulad niya sa panahong ito".

I asked him of his name. It's FERNANDO. From Fernando, i found the hope that my heart was looking for in the midst of my situation of the lost wallet. Hope is Fernando in my context.

I waited for some days to be able to put my experience into writing. Este, I did not wait for days. I waited for Fernando to come to be able to see and feel hope in the midst of dishonesty, selfishness and my carelessness (whahhahahahahha).

PS...our mind may will it...but it is God's grace that sustains and it is His grace that makes us see lessons in the midst of any difficult situation...:-)

Language of the Heart

I thought of those times when i wanted to give writing a big shot. When i started to scribble and frame my thoughts, what i got was a product of intellectual discourse of some "inner dialogue" of rationalization. The mind worked. But it never really reached as far as the heart. You know why? I crafted my words and line but it did not bring me to my destination that is...making my words salable to my readers and really touch their hearts.

Time came when experiences were quite overwhelming. And so, words just came out pure, raw, swift and natural that sometimes editing was equivalent to loosing the feeling and essence that accompanied the experiences. I did not have to use thesaurus or find heavy words to compete writers of the "old" (i meant - the greats and experts:-). I realize that i just have to craft my heart through my pen, heheh este computer's keyboard. And then, what I thought to be natural and simple, captured my audience. I realize that it is in the simplest of words that is most appreciated.

Undoubtedly, this is why Bo Sanchez is currently the second highest seller at National Bookstore (latest survey release February 2011). He uses simple language and reaches a whole wide audiences.

You know why? Because the heart uses simple words - its real and true language.

What Hurts, Does Not Kill

I heard mass this lunch time (Feb. 22, 2011). The priest dealt with the issue on feedbacking. He stressed on leaders' fear to receive feedback. Leaders remain on top and accomplish their responsibilities without considering being given feedback from their subordinates.

As a neophyte leader, i thought the same to myself. I resisted opportunities that would pave to feedbacking. Meetings were simply getting things done activities. Until such time when i realized I have detached myself from my team by the defenses that i have built around me so as to protect myself from the pain of being honestly assessed by my team members.

Ironically, i have been facilitating Feedback giving and Receiving to varied groups already including my training team in the company. Participants were prepared for the actual activity through the following tips :

A. Tips to giving feedback

1. Start and end with positive
2. Clarify your motivations before feedbacking
3. Use "I" statement
4. describe the situation, behavior and effects (person, others and tasks at
hand)
5. give example where possible
6. be descriptive not evaluative
7. consider the amount of information
8. where feedback is negative, suggest alternatives
9. feedback on things that can be changed
10. Prayer before and after feedbacking

B. Receiving Feedback

1. Listen to feedback
2. Assume the feedback is constructive
3. Pause and think before responding
4. Ask to repeat if you haven't heard clearly
5. Ask for clarifications or example
6. Accept positive and negative feedback for consideration (rather than
dismissing them to protect oneself)
7. Ask for suggestions how you could modify your behavior
8. Respect and thank the person giving the feedback

Going back to the priest, i know he meant it well and clear to everyone that listened to his homily...pointing to the leaders' humility to accept whatever there is to deal with as a leaders.

Leaders speak the loudest message of examples. High expectations are set and subordinates would see it immediately when leaders do as they talk.

The closing part of my workshop related to this stressed on the fact that we want to appear clean and so we want to project the same to others. Whatever that which appears contrary to what we project, we resist even if these information would bring growth, self improvement, development, prosperity, success (anything related to the moving forward of a leader).

Feedback "can be as sharp as a razor blade and may penetrate as far as the bones but as the saying goes "what hurts us, won't kill us".

Well...i am still alive...i received dozes of feedback from both skilled and unskilled ones (I tell you, they hurt badly). Again...I am still alive ...but growing in all aspects. I continue to thank God for the grace and may the same grace be felt by all our leaders...Amen.

Accident or By Choice

I will talk about three people today (February 21, 2011). Yesterday, I rode a public vehicle with my niece and ran across a bloody incident. An old man crossed the street and was hit by a car. I saw him helplessly carried by another man to be rushed to the hospital. But prior to that and before my eyes was the scene of him with his blood gushing forth from his forehead. He was loosing lots of blood. Us spectators were just there to see this whole incident (of course spectators nga nyahahahhaha).

The second was an unexpected phone call by someone very close to me early this morning that mentioned of her verbal bout with someone that got caught with what she hid from her husband. I was informed prior to her call that the wife borrowed money from somewhere without the husband's knowledge which brought the husband to panic as he was settling some accounts himself due to finish soon.

Early this morning also, another incident was brought to my attention. A certain employee stole something from his company which made him land in jail Friday of last week. The site of the visit in jail conducted by two other employees made them feel pity and distaste to the prisoners and to the policemen respectively due to the very poor condition of the 9 prisoners placed in the - a-little-more-than one meter by one meter cell.

I could not really totally grapple the reasons why these events had to reach me. But all of them brought me to intense emotional reactions. The first one on the accident brought me to tears since it got me worried about the man's life, his family, if he would have his chance to recover and the last if he is ready for the next life...death.

The second one made me feel intense anger as i was involved with the incident (told you...someone close to me right?) but had to settle myself and compose since the day is still starting and i still have to face a lot of things. I needed to compose.

The third one made me speculate on the incident. Questions such as : what happened with him? Did he consider consequences such as jail or death or whatever? If he would have to undo the entire event and let him see possible effects, would he not or still push through with his plans?

At this point, I would like to quote my spiritual director Fr. Frank Savadera, SJ when he mentioned, "...there is no such as accident...". And so there is no such but only reasons why certain events have to happen. But with an open mind and heart all these work at building us up to become much better persons.

With the old man hit by the car. Whether it was by choice or accidentally hit by a car. With that wife incurring debts without the husband's knowledge and with that employee stealing from the company. Everything is a learning experience.

I would like to quote my friend and former officemate lyleen with the txt message she sent this afternoon that says..."it will make them much better person maam". And i just guess that is an experience that my friend has drawn from hers ...which made her a much better person. At this point, I am praying for the best to the three individuals that brought in their stories to me directly or indirectly.

What about me?...whaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh i want to grow too hahhahaha....("Yes you are dang...":-) ...quiet jan...toinks!!! hahhahahahhah).

Saying Yes and Touching Lives

I read from a youtube video the line that says, "sometimes the story finds the storyteller, not the other way around" - TL Pierson. I am slowly feeling the march. They come in drizzle and kind of overwhelming. I am now in my 30's (hhhahahaha trying to hide the real age). And I feel more sensitive already to these things. If i had been this earlier, i would have compiled many stories that would have touched millions of lives. But it is never too late with anything for a heart that opens itself to the present, right?

Yesterday, today or in the future. If God wills it, I can only say... YES. A lot have started ahead of me. I am just joining their quest - To say YES and TOUCH LIVES. Go go marching...tell the tale...tell all and cover none (wow...kulbaan ko da whahhahahhahaha).

"You Know Better Than I" - In Memory of Chacha

Chacha my little puppy - buddy passed away 2 nights ago. It was not a simple journey. She was shared by my sister's family and myself. So she goes from one house to another. I get to have her weekends and when Tobby my other dog needs a playmate. I bathe both of them after which i tie Tobby at the side of the gate and I bring chacha inside the house to dry her thick fur. I use my hair blower to do that hahahha (that special ha). If i buy something for Tobby, chacha has it, too. They drink milk and eat dog food. But they like rice too with meat and soup. Whatever i eat, they both eat. All in all Chacha and Tobby both enjoy the luxury and comfort that other dogs (in general) don't have.

I would like to "crop" Tobby for a while and focus on Chacha.

One day i tied both of them facing each other to play. Thinking that they are both safe (under the shade in front of the house), i went to work one morning and left them both in that situation with complete food, milk and water. The rain started pouring in the afternoon and i did not even bother to think of any of them. But then i was worried to see chacha so wet entangled beside the house. She was so wet and cold. I grabbed her whole body and carried it with me wrapping her with some cloth to wipe and comfort her.

She was all the same so alive, wiggly and entertained me all the way. The usual chacha. But then she started coughing the day after that. And so i gave her some vitamins to take. The following day she was slow already and avoided food. She vomited and defecated often which i thought was just one of those things that Tobby had. But it was different already. One day she was at my sister's house without water and food (she was too friendly that she shared her food to stray cats:-))and got dehydrated.

I got her there when i arrived home and nursed her all the way but she did not recover. All in all, that fateful night (2 nights ago) she passed away while i held her in my hand.

I was so sorry. I cried my heart out. Until yesterday, i continued to blame myself for that one sad and poor soul of chacha not being given full attention. Everyone was busy - work, studies, etc. Lots of things to do.

I wasn't able to get a good sleep. I thought of her the whole time. I felt her soul / spirit left her body. I felt her last breath. I felt her wherever in the house. I blamed myself. My busy-ness. I got engaged with a lot of things. I left her. So I lost her.

My God ...she is just a dog...but she made me see parenting. I was scared...scared that i would not be able to give the attention to my future child (hahhahahah). I felt sadness and loneliness trying to envelope me. I sought for God's comfort. I asked questions such as:

1. what did i do God?
2. am i to blame?
3. where is chacha right now?
4. Is she playing with you? is she in your arms?
5. What must i do?
6. Why did you take him from me? from us?

Someone told me that she has served her purpose. That was only until that time. Her time. But to realize future without her. What am I doing? What am i thinking? I feel so attached. It is like loosing a human being. Chacha was not just a puppy. She was my dear oh so dear little puppy girlash...she was special. I cared for her. I love/d her...She will remain in my heart. So when the neighbor that gave her to us told me that they will give me/us another puppy...I said "no". I am not ready yet. I am not ready to replace chacha yet. I still feel her. Her tiny tongue wetting my cheek hehehehhehe. I simply misssssssssss her.

This one experience made me think of a lot of things :

1. Letting go
It is hard to let go when you are attached. Letting go is quite painful. You feel the person, memories, the loss, the final separation

2. Parenting
Giving attention to kids when they need it the most ( sickness or even if they are not)

3. God's will - when God says and wills it...that's it...

4. Acceptance
This is very important. The grace to accept is readily available when one asks for it

5. "You Know Better Than I" - from : Joseph the Dreamer
This song is my song for this experience. I downloaded this song a week ago. I did not expect that it would be dedicated to my puppy lovie. This one beautiful song led me to pick up... I hope you will like it, too.

Come sail with me in my pain and my picking up... And so "...I have let go the need to know why...YOU KNOW BETTER THAN I"

If chacha could read, this is my letter for her...

You came to me one day as a surprise. A heaven sent. You made me so happy the whole time you were with me and Tobby. Despite your naughty, playful barking, you entertain me with your wiggling tail. You are such a lovely tale of all tales of dog stories. You are one beautiful part of my life's story...I love you my chacha puppy doggie...lovie mwahhhh ...bye bye...rest now and play well where you are. I see you now wrapped by Jesus in His arms...(hahhahah sana hindi ako sapakin ni Jesus). Love, Your playmate Dangie


To conclude...i am simply crazy in love...both humans and animals...ask St. Francis of Assisi ...he can tell you better...mwahhh I love you allllllllll...I love God...and so I rest...

God's will...My Peace...Amen

Disappointed "Parent":-(

I just recently felt the panic of parenting. My "pamangkin" (an adolescent - 16 years old) was left under my care. She told me one day that her 23 year old boyfriend would want to meet me one of these days. As in super dooper "oh my God"...what am i into. In my panicky gesture beyond my control, i rushed to my sister's house for support. She listened to my entire emotional story about my niece but then i was interrupted by the teasing laughter of her husband followed by a comment "unsa na lang if imo na nga anak dang noh?"....hahahhaha that's why the panic.

That night after the conversation, i was terrified. In my prayer, i told God, that I am frightened to get married. There will be situations that parenting demands for itself such as the situation of my niece.

I believed in my "sane-most" state that i have such a sharp mind and smart in a lot of ways except this. I humbly told my niece the following morning "i am sorry if i was sort of panicky...but i am not confident with dealing your situation that's why I decided to let you go back home and talk to your dad".

I admit, i was disappointed with myself that time. I thought to myself that i am a skilled counselor, that i have helped lots of adolescents and families during my 10 years of counseling practice but my disappointment pointed to my lack of courage of facing my own niece.

Though frustrated, down and low (hehehhe todo na to), i felt that i made the right decision to let her talk to her dad and agree on some parameters before she continues to live with me. If things are clear between her and her parents, then she can come back with me and I do as much as I can to practice my parenting skills. Oh my God...help me heheheheh.

Parenting is hard. I don't know how far i can go as a parent...

At this point, I can only conclude this article with...GOD HELP ME hhahahhahaha

My Day's Miracles

Earlier before lunch, i had such an encounter with a former student of the school that i worked with. The encounter revealed how such failures in academics can turn into a big challenge of pursuing despite and in spite of.

His name is Jaypee (hehe with his permission that i would use it in this blog). Jaypee failed in Math when he was in high school which made him transfer to another school as advised by the teachers after the academic review and deliberation. When he transferred, he made it with flying colors in academics and got accepted at Xavier University where he finished also not exactly getting the major academic award but graduated with a Magis award (magis award is given to student with exemplary service record) . His failure also in Math led him to repeat the subject twice. Since he was underloaded in a particular semester when he repeated Math, he took Japanese studies. And what he thought to be a failure made him qualify to go to Japan to represent the Philippines for a competition (he told me that during the screening, he was competing among students who graduated with honors - cum laudes, etc... his edge was his capacity to speak Japanese).

Currently, Jaypee works as a part time teacher of Xavier University and Lourdes College. He also holds other tutorials in Japanese and French.

With teary eyes, I told him "You are my miracle today".


I thought i won't have any other surprises of my day until, I conducted a final interview of a particular applicant in the afternoon. As details unfolded, i found the applicant competent for placement in the position she applied for. Yet another touching details were presented by her such as :

1. she is financially supporting her sickly and aging parents
2. her boyfriend died in an accident last October, 2010 and she is still coping
with the death but has to stand up to fulfill her family responsibilities
3. She has a brother that was missing for several years already and thought that
he is already dead.

And the last thing that captured my attention when she stood up after the interview was, her torn sandals dragging it with her foot to support one of her feet. I was simply torn into pieces as i called her back and offer her small amount of money to buy "rugby" (heheheh this is just my desperate move) which she thought of buying another one for her to use when she goes back home (at Camiguin island). And when she left, i had the "slow motion" running after her move hahhahahah. I brought with me the rolled tape and Christian (one of the Trainers brought a staepler (hahahha off to the rescue amo beauties).

And that's it. Our applicant was all thanks and praises ...and ako tulala.

What a day? Two people brought by God to lead me to the miracles of the day...They both pointed to the realization that failures and life's tragedies can't be just the end. Failures do point to a new direction ...much better than where we are... Furthermore, it is that one applicant i met today that challenged me more to serving and loving...

Great God ...Thanks so much...You simply brought people to tell me that life's lessons continue to unfold...Thanks My Teacher...:-)

God Continues to Unveil

Some of the things that I was looking for in the past...i found them yesterday. We had a panel interview with our OJTs. All of them strove to present themselves so that we would be convinced to give them the job that they so desire.

They wanted the job so much to generally support the ones they love. They come from broken homes, real destitute and struggling to make ends meet. Some of them want also the experience in order to bring with them as they apply for another job after 5 to 6 months. One thing is common though, they were desperate and went as far as digging into their personal concerns and issues. Bucket of tears fell and i was shaken ...so shaken. I wanted just to cry and cry (but of course held myself to survive the long day).

I did entertain the thought of leaving my job many times already. I feel that i can bring in my skills and knowledge somewhere or do some private practice. When i got this job, it was like that placed on a silver este ...gold platter (hahahah don't think of money...think of the easy way of getting this job). But these individuals are "slapping" me with their stories. They want to work for the love of their families, support their studies and some to survive.

It was a long day yesterday. Glenn, John and myself (who did the panel final interview and revalida) though broke the in-between by our Lady Gaga dance (music from Glenn's phone...hahahah we thought we were crazy ) went out last night with hearts so full and fulfilled. Though 2 of the OJTs decided not to pursue but still I could say, we gave the best of ourselves that certainly they won't forget.

What a day it was...filled with realizations and love...Thank you God (as i whispered my night's prayer) and thanks for the friendship i have built among us - Glenn, John and myself...and of course there was YOU MY GOD...
I ended my night with Michael holding my hand as we both prayed the rosary together.. .

And so, I thought my restless heart would not be able to find it ...it was yesterday that I found Him in the many faces of individuals - OJTs, Glenn, John, and Mike... again and again, GOD CONTINUES TO UNVEIL...

Note : I would like to correct the first statement ...I was not looking for things (used it just for the lack of better word to use beyond the REAL WORD heheh) I was really looking for only ONE - GOD...:-)

Starting to Pick up

I woke up this morning with a new zeal, refreshed from the days of restlessness. I tried to figure out how life has been. I felt that i needed the break to pick up. Looking back (for more than a month now), the following have transpired:

1. questioned my work engagements(over and over again)
2. wanted to quit
3. I have met people whom i consider a big disgrace why they should have to be born to make lives of others miserable (but even that, i chose not to be a victim)

But despite of that, blessings were pouring in such as:

1. opened up my t shirt business
2. continued my consultancy, trainings and counseling business
3. did a beautiful project with mike
4. niece guia came in to join me in the house (which made life easier for me)
5. figured out how i could improve my entrepreneurial capacity
6. involved myself with the Truly Rich Pinoy Website which brought me several books to dig into for me to learn and improve my financial IQ
7. Figured out my passion : writing and relating with people
8. Learned that i have a choice in every situation
9. Learned that everything is grace and that even the most painful situation can bring in the most of life's learnings
10. I admit that Dr. Wayne Dyer brought in wisdom of living which started when i was about to leave the United States in 2009.


And my, i realize, there is more to life as blessing than perceiving it as "not worth living"...

Sail on Dang...pick up and live...:-)