How does one normally feel about being surrounded by many people and questioned about one’s person, the kind of work that he / she is doing and subjected to criticisms, doubts, and the worst – physical torture. This can be very tormenting facing the horror of shame and death.
This being done to Jesus, I was told that He felt like any healthy human being. But He had a choice though not to be subjected to it. He, being God would have chosen to be in His peaceful mode, as the article I read expressed its idea. But again …it was all by choice. To face death or stay safe and not being able to fulfill the mission.
How is that with me?
Hahahhahahha great challenge for my character. This 19th annotation retreat has been posting one of the heaviest challenges of a lifetime – facing myself (considering my strong nature to “run away” at the sight of a difficult task or even something unknown). But I do have two choices though - stay in my comfort zone or face my “death” in order to find more and “extend” my life…this time with God.
Before the 19th annotation retreat…I had my first choice…to live the “comforts” of my preferred comfortable life - finish college, land a job, fell in love, proceeded to take my masters studies and ph.d., engaged in the world of fashion (clothes), went out of the country (feeling mayaman hahahhaha)…or can I just put it this way --- I lived my life the way I wanted it to. ‘yon na lang.
The one good thing?…I still go to mass almost everyday (and on Sundays with my only boyfriend hahhahahah) joined my Catholic Christian community, stayed very committed to my job (10 strong and long years of counseling practice with high school students), kept some apostolate such as facilitating seminars- workshops to young people, kids and professionals (most of time I get stipend but did not really matter or bother me a bit if wala hahhahahahhaha).
The second choice then was like a “forced choice” (sorry for the terms hahahahhah). I have been experiencing restlessness in between while working which ended with the filing of a leave of absence for 6 months to go to US. Then came back to resign and be employed in another company which only lasted for 3 months, invaded the life of a Jesuit, Fr. NOrlan Julia to help me in Spiritual direction which helped a lot my emotional and spiritual needs. Since he expressed that he would be leaving the Philippines soon (middle of 2009) for his studies in London, I felt threatened by the idea. So the decision to leave the Philippines again was the last recourse for me. This time I thought US would be my last and to stay there perhaps forever (?). But the restlessness is like my “twin” wherever I go. Facing myself on the mirror one day was like facing the feelings behind my eyes that have been there for a while but were not listened to or addressed with.
Wow…what a realization…this time I felt I needed the help. One day in my most sincere prayers ever addressed to my God, I placed my lost heart in front of Him …begging …asking…and I fell flat…stating that I NEEDED HELP. I emailed Fr. Norlan and he graciously proposed to continue with spiritual direction this time to another Jesuit priest that took over his assignment in St. John Vianney Seminary …”…if you are ready I could introduce you to Fr. Frank Savadera..” Woooowww…that was the most beautiful invitation so far I heard in my lifetime. I did not understand that at that time but it gave my life’s biggest rescue and the start of my soul’s long awaited relief…
I did not know Fr. Frank and how the process would go with him but the excitement just crept…I did not want to entertain any anxiety of the “what ifs..with another spiritual director”…I just wanted to go through the experience and be helped. I was like a dry…weary…thirsty land… I was ready to plunge with a new experience and perhaps absorb a lot of those “water” I needed to survive (if you could imagine a hungry and thirsty citizen of the poorest of Africa hahahhahahhaha …that was me that time - the hungriest, thirstiest and poorest of the souls and if you have seen a dog deprived of water for days ..months …years…hahahahahahah (buhay pa kaya ang aso niyan hahahhahahahahha aray ko po... well just any gross things you can imagine of a lifeless being).
This time I realize…it will no longer be “MY WAY” but submitting in spiritual direction would be “GOD’S WAY”. And that would mean …DEATH. Oh my…Death… true enough …with Fr. Frank…I experienced a lot of those…he, not only have the expertise but the spirituality like that of Fr. Norlan …to make me face my issues. There were moments of temptations like the thought of not coming back…hahaahhhaha Fr. Frank knows…I told him about it… but still despite of…I managed to come back…call it grace? Yes it is…for if my choice would go above me…I opted not to come back…and be lost again huhuhuhuhu.
Hahhaahha I may be presenting this second choice as a “forced choice” but I see this as again, a “grace” itself …. Forced choice being the grace from God to face myself squarely … so as to “live” the longest (hahahhahahha) and more intimately with God…The “forced choice” foreseeing multiple deaths can be kind of frightening but seeing the grace of God’s life in it is redemption for me – the one …once lost soul.
So if there is a parallelism with Jesus’ death … and my death …it is that, we both made a choice to die (yon nga lang ang tagal kong nag decide) … in order to have more life (oh diva friendship level na kami hahahahha) … yon nga lang again heheh …He had to push me hard on and against the wall hahahhaha for me to see that I NEEDED HIM…Ang galling ni God !!!!!!!!!!( at ng mga SDs ko!!!!!!!!) … perhaps He can do it more often..I kind of like it na …despite the pain hahahhahahhaha…Amen.
Note :
But still I could say, He suffered more than I do..His is public…mine is a little private…hahay sad pa rin ako for Jesus… and…and …He died for many…me? I only died for myself…I still want to know more…of that dying thing
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