Assertion Vs Aggression

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 As I reached my adolescent years, I witnessed how I was surrounded by emotionally expressive father and siblings.  Even when my father decided to remarry after my mother’s death, we were like sitting in a round table of King Arthur from where our dear father was “butchered” with comments from us. 

We were allowed to speak (that was so contrary though when we were kids) by our father that knew how to  listen already.  It still ended up with “King Arthur’s” declaration – that was my father pursuing with his plans to  re marry.

I could recall also, from another experience,  having to represent a group of employees sending a collated feedback and letter to a leader.  It was just a gesture to help that group of individuals (as they requested my assistance) to  air their concerns at the same time bring mine, too.  However,  the same situation sent a different signal putting me on a bad light. 

From that incident, I started losing my confidence to speak up to avoid misinterpretation.  I thought I learned my lessons the hard way. I thought I was being aggressive.

When I started shifting career in the corporate, I have come to see the difference between the words – Aggression and Assertion.  But before presenting my own contextual definition, let me present  Collins Gem English Dictionary’s (1985) definitions : 

Assertion is a strong declaration and insistence on something.  

Aggression is an unprovoked attack or hostile activity

From my own viewpoint,  Assertion is a process of giving due consideration to thinking of the facts received, weighing, finding some truth about them and preparing for the right time for that “strong declaration…” without insisting whether it would be accepted or not.  The basic intention is to inform and perhaps come up with the most productive and sane solution in dealing with the matter without being too emotionally involved or attached with it.

Aggression on the other hand is a process that carries a strong emotional outburst.  A reactive response to any stimulus.  Reactive would mean automatic without having to think, weigh, see the truth of facts, or wait for the right time to speak up. 

Aggression or aggressive remarks is a product of being too involved with the matter at hand.  That includes an overwhelming  emotion  and the lack of “seeing” from different point of views taking the matter at one’s own hands ready for the “attack”.  This is the kind of attack that discards consequences of the action.  In Psychology, it is like a cathartic expression …springing into action without considering the effect it may have.

If you are an employee that's  young and fresh from school (or perhaps being new in the company or workplace) there is a need to distinguish between both and to learn being assertive than the latter.  At this point also, I could tell you that you would be able to meet a lot of the most challenging aggressive ones in the workplace.  One of my previous blogs entitled  “Handling Difficult People In the Workplace” can be your strong reference to dealing with the aggressive ones.

Going back to my experiences, I realize that though my own father may have been aggressive in the early years of  my life but still it was from him that I learned to be assertive first and foremost.  I and my husband deal with each other in the same manner with a lot of listening in between to fully understand issues and concerns.  It takes a lot of patience though but we all need this.

I do not blame though those group of individuals  that I represented to bring their concerns to  a particular leader.  For from that experience, I learned to get hold of what’s proper in dealing with situations like that.  What would have been right is to make them do that themselves, too,  to make them learn also how to assert while I risk bringing my own regardless of consequences. 

Anyway, past is past.  I may have sent that wrong impression but assertion invites me to stick with what I know to be  right, proper and true. 

You know what I learned also from this?  There seem to be a mixed up of the two terms.  That was why,  one’s self honesty and lucid openness to the truth can be labeled as aggression.  It led me also to think that there are lot of us also who would rather continue to float in lies in  our workplaces due to fear of knowing the truth from the assertive ones.

From one of my previous workplaces,  I know of an assertive individual that liked to stand up during meetings to air his comments.  The sad thing was, he always received that look of disapproval from the others.  The assertive ones mostly labeled as aggressive a lot of times won’t receive any support.   Well, what was always pleasing in the eyes of others would be being meek, silent, obedient, “all yes”,  and as if saying something carrying the violation of being “disobedient” to some extent. 
 

Wait …you could squeeze me to death for …tsk tsk .... for asserting through this article hehehehe….