The Benefits of Asserting

One day (in one of my previous jobs) I got into a meeting of a particular department.   I joined the meeting together with another member of my team (our department) named alex (not his real name).    During the session,  I presented a proposal for some changes in procedures for certain part of a program.  The proposal reaped a little outbust of reaction from their leader followed by series of questions. 

If I may allow myself to take it on a personal level considering it as attack, I would have reacted in that level, too.  Instead,  I did the following :

1.        Composed myself

2.      Focused on the content of the comments

3.      Explained the reasons and advantages that outweigh the disadvantages presented.

4.        I presented it in full force completing the information that they needed so that they would understand the rationale of the proposed changes. 

The presentation ended well with a support from the leader from where he ended his statement with “nothing personal…thank you for the help”. 

I went out from that conference room with Alex feeling  victorious not only because, we were able to get the support we needed but also I was able to hold myself in the midst of the bouts of my emotion not leveling it with the high intensity of reaction from the other side.  It was really an effort to focus, think, get the content and deliver the response in the best manner possible without stating anything that would ruin that moment of encounter.

Alex, however, commented after, that it was too close an encounter that may have ruined the entire approach.  He sensed the high tension of the exchanges of words between me and the that leader.  He thought I would burst out myself with that kind of reaction but then stated further something like this “ good thing you were able to hold yourself ma’am and  held on to completing the entire message that we needed to communicate to them.  How did you manage such emotion?”  And ended by saying “… I want to learn the same skill”.

On another occasion also, I was under “attack” by another employee.  I was busy preparing some reports when this employee approached me with his sharp words of accusations.   I was not saying anything.  I was confused at how this man was able to come up with such conclusion given the details of information he brought and delivered. 

I understood that time that he was so angry and I was battling with the same feeling.  However, I persisted with my listening and responded with the statement “ is that all that’s needed to be done?  Ok, I will do it.”  I thought he would immediately go away but still he repeated the same information he delivered and I felt that it was useless to react or give any statement given that I  have stated mine already( …nothing more or less).   Perhaps, he felt my silence at last and off he went a little embarrassed with everyone’s eyes and ears on him.  

Well, assertion can also mean being silent to stress the previous point mentioned without necessarily making yourself sound like a “sirang plaka” -  repeating the same point over and over gain.

One employee told me that if it was her in that situation she would have shouted at him to back off.  I responded by saying “do you think it was easy for me doing that?  I wanted to shout at him.   I wanted to squeeze him or throw stones at him.  I wanted to ‘powderize’ him (hahaha just joking). 

I can level off with his anger so that he would just stop doing that but then I added “   I have learned from my own family experience, how one man’s show of anger would lead to nothing.  I had one cathartic (high emotional release)moment in front of a family member that got me so drained and made me realize that I cannot get back what I said nor was I able to give the most sane solution and discussion to the issue that got me into that ‘fight’.  It ended up as useless display that got me nowhere after that.

Actually, the most painful part was being labeled a coward for not being able to fight back outright.  This is  one thing I would like to really share.  In communicating my point or in asserting myself …

1.       I need not get the laurels of appreciation from the listeners around me. 

2.     I need not get the approval of everyone in the room or be declared a “winner”.

3.     I need not be known that my strength as a person comes from the loudness of my voice and shout at someone and be known as “palaban”  (fighter) and won’t give up to any fight without using my heart and mind.

4.     I don’t need those things to prove that I am a great leader or better at confrontation or better at facing odds in the workplace.

I have been through so much with all these from my family life  up to work setting.  I was never at peace with it nor I found myself growing in that approach.  It was great to find a new strategy right?  And this one I would love to share with everyone.

To close this part,  discovering assertion was my strong resolve to the balance of communicating what is necessary and coming up with an end that would be hopefully useful to both parties no matter the tension in between and without really insisting your side so that you would  come out the “winner”.  Your expression would just provide room for further thinking, processing and perhaps consideration from the other side. 

Assertion should be regularly practiced.  Regardless of how the other party during the encounter would deliver the message, we need to establish that control center within ourselves. 

As I came close to my resignation from that previous job, Alex told me that this one approach that he witnessed with me is one of the legacies I had with him during my short-term leadership in the company.  This I would forever be grateful for the opportunity of sharing myself to him and the department I held for almost 2 years.