I have been toying with how I would be able to start this writing related to the situation of our young people - the adolescents. You see i happen to be a secondary recipient of an information about a mother that almost died after giving birth to her child. She went home after the delivery. Her health had complications that made her go back to the hospital helplessly carried by someone since she was on hemorrhagic condition. She almost died.
In the same day that i got this story, I learned from an office colleague that she survived the weekend joining her group of friends in a bar packed with young people (adolescents) doings stuffs like wild dancing, torrid kissing, drinking hard liquor,etc. Feeling older in that crowd of young people, she felt the discomfort yet cannot escape the reality with how these adolescents make use of their leisure time.
I have my young nephews and a niece too. I wonder at times how they made use of their time with friends or when they are outside of the house. I was even in panic when my only adolescent niece asked my permission that she would bring her boyfriend in the house and introduce him to me. Well I could not imagine the hustle of feelings growing and boiling inside.
Reality bites and strikes. We have so many at hand regarding their engagements. I feel helpless at times. I see them around everyday. I also work in a company that operates a food chain where they gather, eat, talk and laugh loudly.
Their energies are unimaginable and beyond compare. "When I was younger" ...oh ...I would rather not use those words. It makes them scream to hear that line. They don't like the idea of comparing their generation to any of the adult's.
What is really my point here?
1. Fear. To be honest, being an adult, I fear so much of consequences of choices. I have been through the ordeal of wrong choices that led me to regrets. A lot of those choices, I could not go back anymore. Though it is just recently that I allow wider and broader way of looking at things. But before, it was more of centering and focusing on myself, the pain and blaming of others excluding myself that made the choice in the first place.
2. The Sacrifice of Parenting. How come majority of our young people have not really and truly grounded themselves to the values and virtues of family? How come they go out their own way accumulating values that led them to ruin? How come they become where they are, like those that linger in the bar that my friend went to one weekend? How come a lot of them may not have really sensed the essence of the sacrifice of a mother's life on a "50-50" condition giving birth of any of them like that of the struggling young mother i related earlier?
3. Longing for Love. We all need love. Though Love is so available, they don't find it. Young people long so much for this since a lot of them don't have the strong basis and foundation of Love as expected to exude in the family. They search for it in wrong places associating physical liking and upsurges of emotion in infatuation as that. They restlessly pursue love and feel that it is not within their grasp.
You see, I had the chance being with groups of young people when i worked as a Guidance counselor in a private sectarian high school. I imagined while talking with them, the kind of parents that brought them up. Is it safe to associate character of these adolescents to the kind of parents they have?
Lastly, it made me cry (with tears of joy) seeing some of them with grounded values and it made me cry also (with a pang of pain and sadness) when I see them so lost. And so, I thought, this would simply just be about our young people. I realize that I will have to address the parents too...
First I say (from the heart) to the young people of today :
Regardless of the state of your family, with or without your parents to guide you, you have a choice as to how you would manage your life. It will so much affect the kind and quality of life you will have. If you will just focus on the fancy and fun of your life now, you will reap the harvest equivalent to what you sow. Despite the agony and challenges of your young life, again, you have a choice. And...please do not separate God from your life or blame Him for anything that happen to you...I may not be able to present every answer to all your questions now but you will understand soon.
To the parents :
From experience being a counselor and observations from my siblings' families, it is not easy to have an adolescent in the family. You may not be seen outright by them with your sacrifices, but just continue and not give up on them. Continue to be present in school meetings. To be there at home first before they come home. To be available when they need to talk to you. To take time to bring them if not force them to join you in Church (heheh rather harsh ...). To simply be there for them...:-)
But then, some of you may say "I am not home since i work far". That's kind a hard ha...to be honest...:-0 Just be there and be available through the internet (hahahhha no choice) for chatting... Lastly, please don't stop praying for them. They truly need a great deal of help.
Oh my ...i could cry at the thought imagining them lost and no one to go to when they need you but then...please pray for them.
My heart goes so much to them...:-)
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
THE "DIVINE SENSE OF HUMOR"
As I look at my style of writing, I can hardly separate humor. It seems to come out swiftly and naturally. It is just so me to feel - cry, laugh, etc…so hard. Sometimes I find myself overdoing it. And so I loosen a little with teasing myself. Right…I am playful…I play around myself ( hehe just with words through blogging), and find humor even in the most painful experiences.
Bishop Fulton Sheen, the author of the book entitled From the Angel’s Blackboard stated that “…God created the world with a Divine sense of Humor”. And so, any person that sees beyond what is seen around him - seeing through things - that is, possesses this character.
I thought I must be crazy with the way I craft and pour myself out in my writings. But no…I feel more of the grace of seeing more and beyond. The world is like that of a windowpane displaying beyond what is seen by the naked eye.
According to Sheen, a snow is not just what you see it to be but that of immaculate flake at the mountaintop. To relate a particular experience seeing a very old priest celebrating mass with people not hearing anything from him made me see more of the messages that say : 1) someday I will be old too, like him and that I may experience the same thing (not really doing the role of a priest heheheh) 2) that our very smart God taught all of us participating in the mass - P A T I E N C E... 3) seeing beauty with one old priest striving to faithfully serve God through his continued service ...and many more ways of looking at things that reflect that of a poet maneuvering his vision with the bias of the divine in any of his / her life's encounter.
Thus, there are things that we can learn from on a daily basis...instead of complaining, right?
We don’t really take the world seriously(the world sets standards without really imaging the nonphysical attributes of us humans). In this realm, humor put experiences on a lighter perspective … living life beyond what is…
We have such a wonderful life's curriculum taught and tested on a daily basis. Learning should be fun. Rigidity does not really reap such a good harvest.
P.S. I hope you see God in my crazy and foolish ways of presenting my writing here...heheheh...:-)
Bishop Fulton Sheen, the author of the book entitled From the Angel’s Blackboard stated that “…God created the world with a Divine sense of Humor”. And so, any person that sees beyond what is seen around him - seeing through things - that is, possesses this character.
I thought I must be crazy with the way I craft and pour myself out in my writings. But no…I feel more of the grace of seeing more and beyond. The world is like that of a windowpane displaying beyond what is seen by the naked eye.
According to Sheen, a snow is not just what you see it to be but that of immaculate flake at the mountaintop. To relate a particular experience seeing a very old priest celebrating mass with people not hearing anything from him made me see more of the messages that say : 1) someday I will be old too, like him and that I may experience the same thing (not really doing the role of a priest heheheh) 2) that our very smart God taught all of us participating in the mass - P A T I E N C E... 3) seeing beauty with one old priest striving to faithfully serve God through his continued service ...and many more ways of looking at things that reflect that of a poet maneuvering his vision with the bias of the divine in any of his / her life's encounter.
Thus, there are things that we can learn from on a daily basis...instead of complaining, right?
We don’t really take the world seriously(the world sets standards without really imaging the nonphysical attributes of us humans). In this realm, humor put experiences on a lighter perspective … living life beyond what is…
We have such a wonderful life's curriculum taught and tested on a daily basis. Learning should be fun. Rigidity does not really reap such a good harvest.
P.S. I hope you see God in my crazy and foolish ways of presenting my writing here...heheheh...:-)
Monday, August 8, 2011
A ONE PESO INCIDENT
I talked with someone today that got kicked out from work este...asked to resign after she "slipped" from her job. One day she was attending a customer and that she shortchanged her by one peso resulting to heavy bouts of words between them. They became too personal already. The sad thing was that...it was that one peso shortchanged that triggered the incident.
She carried such guilt and regret since it took much toll and weight on her shoulder loosing the money to support her child. Her meager salary prior to the dismissal made her buy milk, provided small allowance to her husband that does the sending and fetching of her little boy to and from school and food for the family.
It really broke my heart listening to the story. I saw the pain in her eyes and helplessness. It has happened already and her employer considered it a grave mistake (i did not further comment on the company's decision). Still, she was given the consideration by making her submit a resignation to give her at least clean slate to apply to another company.
I would like to further illustrate a similar situation. Not so long ago, I happened to visit a jail and was able to mingle with prisoners. Most cases committed by the inmates were related to loosing temper causing them to land in jail.
Emotional intelligence by Goleman (1995) defines it as being able to reign in emotional impulse. Furthermore, it also means being aware of one emotional impulses and that of others and use this knowledge in responding to a particular situation. Goleman however, states that when there is a sudden upsurge of emotion causing one to be overwhelmed and react not commensurate to the challenging situation points to emotional hijacking.
EQ stresses further that the most seductive of all emotions is anger. Many of us fall short in the aspect of managing anger. Let me derail a little my discussion to citing a particular company trainer that facilitated a training on personal leadership that presupposes leading others effectively. And as I understand it, if we fail to atleast manage our temper (emotions), we fail to shape an intense emotional outburst of anger from others (or any extreme display of emotions).
One small thing may bring one person to grievous mistake leading to a lifetime of regret if not properly dealt with or managed. We normally feel emotions. In fact they are natural. Yet, we have the final say as to how long we would allow it to linger and last and how we creatively deal with it.
One peso can be too small a reason to loose a job, right?...
She carried such guilt and regret since it took much toll and weight on her shoulder loosing the money to support her child. Her meager salary prior to the dismissal made her buy milk, provided small allowance to her husband that does the sending and fetching of her little boy to and from school and food for the family.
It really broke my heart listening to the story. I saw the pain in her eyes and helplessness. It has happened already and her employer considered it a grave mistake (i did not further comment on the company's decision). Still, she was given the consideration by making her submit a resignation to give her at least clean slate to apply to another company.
I would like to further illustrate a similar situation. Not so long ago, I happened to visit a jail and was able to mingle with prisoners. Most cases committed by the inmates were related to loosing temper causing them to land in jail.
Emotional intelligence by Goleman (1995) defines it as being able to reign in emotional impulse. Furthermore, it also means being aware of one emotional impulses and that of others and use this knowledge in responding to a particular situation. Goleman however, states that when there is a sudden upsurge of emotion causing one to be overwhelmed and react not commensurate to the challenging situation points to emotional hijacking.
EQ stresses further that the most seductive of all emotions is anger. Many of us fall short in the aspect of managing anger. Let me derail a little my discussion to citing a particular company trainer that facilitated a training on personal leadership that presupposes leading others effectively. And as I understand it, if we fail to atleast manage our temper (emotions), we fail to shape an intense emotional outburst of anger from others (or any extreme display of emotions).
One small thing may bring one person to grievous mistake leading to a lifetime of regret if not properly dealt with or managed. We normally feel emotions. In fact they are natural. Yet, we have the final say as to how long we would allow it to linger and last and how we creatively deal with it.
One peso can be too small a reason to loose a job, right?...
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
NO ORDINARY LETTER
I have been into many weddings for the past years with different roles such as wedding emcee, bride's maid, maid of honor, singer (char lang) and flower girl (joke lang...it never happened:-) hahahahha). And would you believe, i was gotten as ninang (Godmother) to a beggar that constantly on post at a particular Church... during college days heheheh... I and my friend Luisa were being ambushed by this friend beggar. Well we were not able to say no (ambush nga).
Well most of those weddings I joined were so lavish. My sister's was one of those and she was so anxious with the preparation and the nitty - gritty of things. Me? I was so relaxed during her wedding. But looking at her was like "I don't want to experience that..." - thinking running in my mind. Huh...hehe but still it was such a b-e-a-u-t-i-f-u-l wedding.
Years passed and that thought did not really matter at all. I and Mike wanted to make it big too. We hired a wedding coordinator, gave more than half of the budget and voila the money was gone. I don't want to tell you further what the coordinator did. But one thing I learned. Our values were challenged.
When something...anything so precious is gone...to get to look back and focus on the most essential thing was our best recourse. We have the strength of our love for each other, family's support, friends' listening ears and that even without that partial amount(in the hands of that coordinator) we managed to work out and push through with the plan to get married.
Life is very challenging. Mike and I were able to see some invisible forces trying to throw challenges at us. Perhaps attempting to separate us but BIG NO...cannot be...LOVE IS STRONGER THAN ANY STORM ha ....
Well...we thought of simpler plan. Though the big wedding can still be pursued if we would want to but i guess...the lesson is to stick with the "essentials". We want to proceed with our vows before God without being limited to the pressures outside of us. We will go for it while we haunt the culprit hahahhahahaha.
And so the original desire i put forth during my 19th annotation retreat which was poured out from prayer and discernment is now thrown in the air with stars and flickers ...In this regard I wrote a letter to the archbishop to flash the green light of the preparation (with Mike's approval).
The following letter was written with tears dropped on paper (joke lang) este on my supple cheeks (hahahahha)...and I should say a desperate move to get a "special" space for our very intimate wedding ceremony.
_________________________________________
Dear MOST REV.________:(sorry I can't disclose his name without his permission)
I am writing on behalf of my soon-to-be husband (wrote Mike's full name) to ask for your permission that we would be allowed to hold our simple and private wedding at the Bishop’s house chapel. This shall only be attended by our immediate family members and very close friends.
It has been a long and joyful journey of friendship and love combined for both of us who have been in the relationship for almost 12 years. A growth that we would want to share someday to our future children.
We opted for a simple and intimate encounter with God. We want to get the feel of such moment with Him and make it a very meaningful vow to live as good “caretakers” of each other and His children. Starting it simple would also send a beautiful message to our children and us becoming good models to them in values.
We hope we would be given such chance and would gladly meet you for an appointment at your convenience.
God bless you always!
Sincerely,
Dang...(i wrote my full name here)
_________________________________________
While I was bracing my heart putting every piece of the desire i had and Mike's, i found the revelation. The long buried silence and cry was liberated from its deepest source. This is what i badly want for years. This is what I badly want to be realized. Mike and I share the same vision of the kind wedding for both of us...
And...it was such a wonderful brief encounter with the archbishop (we were like poodles in front of him hahahhaah cutie poodles ...so so glad with life's biggest surprise and question why God brought us in front of him). Thanks to my friend micmic for such initiative (actually the archbishop's assistant is my friend wahahhahahah ang galing ni Lord). And so with the archbishop's statement "You have my blessings..."...it was like God blessing us and protecting us even before the ceremony....God sent us angels...through micmic and the archbishop. They were like our warriors as we move forward to the new challenges of married life...:-)
There is no such thing as accident ha!!!!!! hehehheheheh Praise God...Thank you God...!
Note : I eliminated a paragraph of the letter for confidentiality's sake (hahahha char lang).
Well most of those weddings I joined were so lavish. My sister's was one of those and she was so anxious with the preparation and the nitty - gritty of things. Me? I was so relaxed during her wedding. But looking at her was like "I don't want to experience that..." - thinking running in my mind. Huh...hehe but still it was such a b-e-a-u-t-i-f-u-l wedding.
Years passed and that thought did not really matter at all. I and Mike wanted to make it big too. We hired a wedding coordinator, gave more than half of the budget and voila the money was gone. I don't want to tell you further what the coordinator did. But one thing I learned. Our values were challenged.
When something...anything so precious is gone...to get to look back and focus on the most essential thing was our best recourse. We have the strength of our love for each other, family's support, friends' listening ears and that even without that partial amount(in the hands of that coordinator) we managed to work out and push through with the plan to get married.
Life is very challenging. Mike and I were able to see some invisible forces trying to throw challenges at us. Perhaps attempting to separate us but BIG NO...cannot be...LOVE IS STRONGER THAN ANY STORM ha ....
Well...we thought of simpler plan. Though the big wedding can still be pursued if we would want to but i guess...the lesson is to stick with the "essentials". We want to proceed with our vows before God without being limited to the pressures outside of us. We will go for it while we haunt the culprit hahahhahahaha.
And so the original desire i put forth during my 19th annotation retreat which was poured out from prayer and discernment is now thrown in the air with stars and flickers ...In this regard I wrote a letter to the archbishop to flash the green light of the preparation (with Mike's approval).
The following letter was written with tears dropped on paper (joke lang) este on my supple cheeks (hahahahha)...and I should say a desperate move to get a "special" space for our very intimate wedding ceremony.
_________________________________________
Dear MOST REV.________:(sorry I can't disclose his name without his permission)
I am writing on behalf of my soon-to-be husband (wrote Mike's full name) to ask for your permission that we would be allowed to hold our simple and private wedding at the Bishop’s house chapel. This shall only be attended by our immediate family members and very close friends.
It has been a long and joyful journey of friendship and love combined for both of us who have been in the relationship for almost 12 years. A growth that we would want to share someday to our future children.
We opted for a simple and intimate encounter with God. We want to get the feel of such moment with Him and make it a very meaningful vow to live as good “caretakers” of each other and His children. Starting it simple would also send a beautiful message to our children and us becoming good models to them in values.
We hope we would be given such chance and would gladly meet you for an appointment at your convenience.
God bless you always!
Sincerely,
Dang...(i wrote my full name here)
_________________________________________
While I was bracing my heart putting every piece of the desire i had and Mike's, i found the revelation. The long buried silence and cry was liberated from its deepest source. This is what i badly want for years. This is what I badly want to be realized. Mike and I share the same vision of the kind wedding for both of us...
And...it was such a wonderful brief encounter with the archbishop (we were like poodles in front of him hahahhaah cutie poodles ...so so glad with life's biggest surprise and question why God brought us in front of him). Thanks to my friend micmic for such initiative (actually the archbishop's assistant is my friend wahahhahahah ang galing ni Lord). And so with the archbishop's statement "You have my blessings..."...it was like God blessing us and protecting us even before the ceremony....God sent us angels...through micmic and the archbishop. They were like our warriors as we move forward to the new challenges of married life...:-)
There is no such thing as accident ha!!!!!! hehehheheheh Praise God...Thank you God...!
Note : I eliminated a paragraph of the letter for confidentiality's sake (hahahha char lang).
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
MAMA
Today (August 3, 2011) would have been my mother's 66th birthday (if she was alive). I would like to honor her through this blog and thank God for the day that He appointed her to be born in this world. Anyone may say that he or she has the best mother in the world. I would say the same (walang papalag hahahhaha).
I would like to trace a little of history about her. She was the only child of a Filipina (my lola of course) from the Visayas (Bohol) and a British - American soldier during World War 2. So mama's blood was half foreign ha. (hehehehhe).
Physically she was not tall, blond, white skin, brown eyes, freckles on her face, very pointed nose, beautiful legs and so white flawless armpit (whahhahhaha I love sleeping beside her with armpit displayed wide open...she had the cleanest odor and so fresh)....
She married my father at 19 years old - half way in college. Really, she and papa were not able to wait to finish and hopped with the responsibility of parenting 6 children.
Raising 6 of us was such a big deal to both of them most especially mama. She was papa's great partner in responding with the financial needs of the family. Papa's income was not enough and so they both had to find other means through farming and poultry business. She managed the latter. She was also good at managing finances. She and papa provided us well. Nobody had to stop studying even when 4 of my older siblings went altogether to college.
I saw mama's strength in managing the family. I saw how her sustained and enduring silence despite trying moments of the family. Even if sometimes she "exploded" to release her suppressed anger to us (so sorry ma), she was generally patient with all of us.
I was so attached with her. After my Friday classes in the city, i would really force myself to go home even night time just to be with her. I loved her cooking too - the soup, vegetables, seafoods and meat recipes… plus hugs and the laying of my head on her lap while watching TV until i lost consciousness (hahahah tulog ako beauty).
I also loved our festive Sunday lunches together (We had our rituals before going back to the city). Mama would usually go to the market with any of us children(except gay the youngest) to buy varieties of vegetables, meat, etc. After the market invasion, she lavishly prepared food to eat before everyone went back to the city. After that, we had heavy goodbyes because everyone had the same feeling - missing mama during the week (hahahha don't get me wrong... me missed papa too).
You see ...she simply had the "magic" of touch, shades and styles of caring for everyone in the family including my father (of course heheh).
I never expected that she would go so soon (at the age of 48 years old)... One Saturday afternoon, i caught her graying hair right above her forehead with a comment "tigulang na jud ka ma noh?" (you are getting older ma). I was simply teasing her. I did not expect it to be our last moment together.
I went back to the city on Sunday. Monday after that, she died in an accident. I want to cut this recall shorter or I might end up crying all the way. I don't want to dwell much over our loss. I would like to stress on it being a grace that i was able to stand up with life braver and stronger despite her absence since i was so dependent with her when she was alive (actually the experience brought me closer to God after buckets of tears, wild strife of myself, etc...hahaha).
More than anything, I would like to remember her as someone that may have gone ahead but has remained present through her prayers. At this time, I consider her as my / our family’s intercessor in heaven. It feels so good to have one member of my family praying for all of us. Though it was such a painful experience, I thank God for allowing mama to share her life with us...for sharing to us such a wonderful woman worth emulating in values (oh i miss her dearly)
Before exhausting herself and had her last breath, she uttered " Please take good care of my children". By those words, I knew that she did not want to die. I knew in my heart that she begged God not to leave us yet. But I was certain that she felt her last that moment.
Surely that time, mama did not know that she can continue to take care of us even if she was not physically with us. In fact, she did a marvelous job being an "absentee parent" (just look at me and my other siblings hahahhaa ang yabangggg!!!) I can visualize her with her borrowed "binoculars" from God:-) trying to hover from the heavens for us her children...
I love her so much… more than missing her…yet I know that she is in the best place. Again I love her. But my love can’t reverse nor take her out from her current “comfort” with God. I may not have totally understood His wisdom but I have faith that He has His much better plans for all of us her children...and God's dear children...
Amen.
I would like to trace a little of history about her. She was the only child of a Filipina (my lola of course) from the Visayas (Bohol) and a British - American soldier during World War 2. So mama's blood was half foreign ha. (hehehehhe).
Physically she was not tall, blond, white skin, brown eyes, freckles on her face, very pointed nose, beautiful legs and so white flawless armpit (whahhahhaha I love sleeping beside her with armpit displayed wide open...she had the cleanest odor and so fresh)....
She married my father at 19 years old - half way in college. Really, she and papa were not able to wait to finish and hopped with the responsibility of parenting 6 children.
Raising 6 of us was such a big deal to both of them most especially mama. She was papa's great partner in responding with the financial needs of the family. Papa's income was not enough and so they both had to find other means through farming and poultry business. She managed the latter. She was also good at managing finances. She and papa provided us well. Nobody had to stop studying even when 4 of my older siblings went altogether to college.
I saw mama's strength in managing the family. I saw how her sustained and enduring silence despite trying moments of the family. Even if sometimes she "exploded" to release her suppressed anger to us (so sorry ma), she was generally patient with all of us.
I was so attached with her. After my Friday classes in the city, i would really force myself to go home even night time just to be with her. I loved her cooking too - the soup, vegetables, seafoods and meat recipes… plus hugs and the laying of my head on her lap while watching TV until i lost consciousness (hahahah tulog ako beauty).
I also loved our festive Sunday lunches together (We had our rituals before going back to the city). Mama would usually go to the market with any of us children(except gay the youngest) to buy varieties of vegetables, meat, etc. After the market invasion, she lavishly prepared food to eat before everyone went back to the city. After that, we had heavy goodbyes because everyone had the same feeling - missing mama during the week (hahahha don't get me wrong... me missed papa too).
You see ...she simply had the "magic" of touch, shades and styles of caring for everyone in the family including my father (of course heheh).
I never expected that she would go so soon (at the age of 48 years old)... One Saturday afternoon, i caught her graying hair right above her forehead with a comment "tigulang na jud ka ma noh?" (you are getting older ma). I was simply teasing her. I did not expect it to be our last moment together.
I went back to the city on Sunday. Monday after that, she died in an accident. I want to cut this recall shorter or I might end up crying all the way. I don't want to dwell much over our loss. I would like to stress on it being a grace that i was able to stand up with life braver and stronger despite her absence since i was so dependent with her when she was alive (actually the experience brought me closer to God after buckets of tears, wild strife of myself, etc...hahaha).
More than anything, I would like to remember her as someone that may have gone ahead but has remained present through her prayers. At this time, I consider her as my / our family’s intercessor in heaven. It feels so good to have one member of my family praying for all of us. Though it was such a painful experience, I thank God for allowing mama to share her life with us...for sharing to us such a wonderful woman worth emulating in values (oh i miss her dearly)
Before exhausting herself and had her last breath, she uttered " Please take good care of my children". By those words, I knew that she did not want to die. I knew in my heart that she begged God not to leave us yet. But I was certain that she felt her last that moment.
Surely that time, mama did not know that she can continue to take care of us even if she was not physically with us. In fact, she did a marvelous job being an "absentee parent" (just look at me and my other siblings hahahhaa ang yabangggg!!!) I can visualize her with her borrowed "binoculars" from God:-) trying to hover from the heavens for us her children...
I love her so much… more than missing her…yet I know that she is in the best place. Again I love her. But my love can’t reverse nor take her out from her current “comfort” with God. I may not have totally understood His wisdom but I have faith that He has His much better plans for all of us her children...and God's dear children...
Amen.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
INSECURITIES BEGONE
A friend once commented on one or two of my posts stating "... good thing you have the confidence to write things about you...". She stressed further that her insecurities stopped her from doing that.
The truth is in my remote past, I could not imagine myself doing the things I do today. But when i had my second chance at life, I found nothing to defend about me. Living life and telling others especially how God has worked in it is the best thing thing that i ever did. THE MESSAGE IS NOT ME but GOD AT WORK IN THE PERSON THAT I AM. This I strongly hold up high.
I call it grace and none else that can best define it. Grace to leap higher than pride or ego that has ruptured the truth about life that I once held as a child. And so anyone is free to comment from the craziest things I write to the most frightening or shocking truth that i drop like atomic bomb sometimes.
There is one thing though that i realize as I continue writing. People like lighter things ...some things that are easy to carry and fun to deal with . And so when it appears really heavy, readers may attempt to diffuse its weight and convert it into something that they can afford to nibble for a time. Some remain where they are and some transcend by accepting the challenge of the truth.
But the writer carries the burden of disclosing what has to be known even those that are not pleasing to the eyes and expectations of the readers for as long they hold the truth. If it is that, no matter how painful, the heart will always affirm it despite the struggle of the mind.
The heart knows and sees...and so despite that i battle with the strong tide or storm (etc...however one may call it) of the world's standards and principles outside of me, i feel the strength of the pillar from where I got what I am writing. Strongly anchored and so secured...how is that?...:-)
Wait...I'll check the depth ...ohhhh so sorry...can't measure heheheh:-).
The truth is in my remote past, I could not imagine myself doing the things I do today. But when i had my second chance at life, I found nothing to defend about me. Living life and telling others especially how God has worked in it is the best thing thing that i ever did. THE MESSAGE IS NOT ME but GOD AT WORK IN THE PERSON THAT I AM. This I strongly hold up high.
I call it grace and none else that can best define it. Grace to leap higher than pride or ego that has ruptured the truth about life that I once held as a child. And so anyone is free to comment from the craziest things I write to the most frightening or shocking truth that i drop like atomic bomb sometimes.
There is one thing though that i realize as I continue writing. People like lighter things ...some things that are easy to carry and fun to deal with . And so when it appears really heavy, readers may attempt to diffuse its weight and convert it into something that they can afford to nibble for a time. Some remain where they are and some transcend by accepting the challenge of the truth.
But the writer carries the burden of disclosing what has to be known even those that are not pleasing to the eyes and expectations of the readers for as long they hold the truth. If it is that, no matter how painful, the heart will always affirm it despite the struggle of the mind.
The heart knows and sees...and so despite that i battle with the strong tide or storm (etc...however one may call it) of the world's standards and principles outside of me, i feel the strength of the pillar from where I got what I am writing. Strongly anchored and so secured...how is that?...:-)
Wait...I'll check the depth ...ohhhh so sorry...can't measure heheheh:-).
Monday, July 25, 2011
GOD AND WISDOM
As I move further into my writing, I feel a swirling strength of His might consuming every word I say este...He says... I am slowly getting the feel of a God so strong when He starts to talk. He talks and sends messages anywhere. You see him everywhere. He is the eyes that see, the wind that touches the skin, the birds that sing, the flowers that send the bounty and beauty of the universe. He is such so loud and clear.
Yesterday, I had a beautiful conversation with Mike. He stated of the words mentioned by Bishop Fulton Sheen on wisdom. Wisdom as Bishop Sheen puts it shuns those who are not meant to have it.
As I understood it, it runs away from those that refuse to see and reflect their lives. Wisdom comes out after a careful reflection and insights from one's experience. If we miss this part, then we miss so much of the learnings that we are supposed to have from series of encounters and events in our lives.
And that even wisdom skips them. They are not meant to come to those who don't dig deeper. And so even if they speak so well or have the knack of words with any languages, if they don't have wisdom, their words are like those seeds that land on the thorny ground. Those seeds don't have the chance to really grow as they are meant to be. Sayang ano?
Furthermore, an experience brought to prayer becomes so fertile that it becomes an ideal ground where wisdom comes out and best cultivated. If God is seen everywhere and in any experience, He can be the wisdom of the many things we see, experience and encounter.
Could it be also that God may shun us from His revelations of wisdom when we refuse to find Him in everything? Well, I will try to search for answers in my heart...in the context of ...Prayer....where else heheh...
Yesterday, I had a beautiful conversation with Mike. He stated of the words mentioned by Bishop Fulton Sheen on wisdom. Wisdom as Bishop Sheen puts it shuns those who are not meant to have it.
As I understood it, it runs away from those that refuse to see and reflect their lives. Wisdom comes out after a careful reflection and insights from one's experience. If we miss this part, then we miss so much of the learnings that we are supposed to have from series of encounters and events in our lives.
And that even wisdom skips them. They are not meant to come to those who don't dig deeper. And so even if they speak so well or have the knack of words with any languages, if they don't have wisdom, their words are like those seeds that land on the thorny ground. Those seeds don't have the chance to really grow as they are meant to be. Sayang ano?
Furthermore, an experience brought to prayer becomes so fertile that it becomes an ideal ground where wisdom comes out and best cultivated. If God is seen everywhere and in any experience, He can be the wisdom of the many things we see, experience and encounter.
Could it be also that God may shun us from His revelations of wisdom when we refuse to find Him in everything? Well, I will try to search for answers in my heart...in the context of ...Prayer....where else heheh...
The Mission
Writing blogs brought me closer to myself, my heart and to my God. As I tinker my keyboard, I feel the movement of my hands touched by the invisible hand of Himself. I feel the power of words coming out and feel that it is not mine but His. As I allow my hand to be used, I feel the sense of Him moving towards the universe bringing His light to people. Thus, I boast of nothing except that of a servant bowing down and obeying every step of the way.
I feel my heart slower and slower yet His moving so fast. I feel that heart so strong with a swoosh of a wind subtly touching every piece and part of it. I feel Him always and never sleeping but bringing healing to every fiber of my being so He can use me all the way.
And so I ask my Master what to write everyday. His answer? "no need to worry...you write ...I dictate". That was His command...and I cannot disobey...:-)
What peace there is being used by my Master. I have long sought for it and I have not found them anywhere except in the hand of the One that made me. Allowing myself to become slave is no struggle for my heart has found the right Master to follow.
I thought of my life this past few days. I thought of the wasted years and time i spent for seeking things that are not His. I thought I wasted so much of the time He gave me and I feel His intervention now. There is not much time. He wants me to toil His field. The ground is fertile for the sowing. The time is now and there is no tomorrow for the work He wants to be done.
If I have obeyed human bosses...I feel it is His time to labor the earth. Angels will be sent to work side by side with those who want to join my Master. I feel that. His word is strong and mighty. He never fails His promise.
I feel His army moving forward ...the time is Now... I was given His scepter long time ago...He is looking for those that are His to join him in the army. And as I looked straight ...there He goes...and so I go...:-) a weak, skinny army depending so much in the grace of the Divine to get through...nothing to fear...Amen...
I feel my heart slower and slower yet His moving so fast. I feel that heart so strong with a swoosh of a wind subtly touching every piece and part of it. I feel Him always and never sleeping but bringing healing to every fiber of my being so He can use me all the way.
And so I ask my Master what to write everyday. His answer? "no need to worry...you write ...I dictate". That was His command...and I cannot disobey...:-)
What peace there is being used by my Master. I have long sought for it and I have not found them anywhere except in the hand of the One that made me. Allowing myself to become slave is no struggle for my heart has found the right Master to follow.
I thought of my life this past few days. I thought of the wasted years and time i spent for seeking things that are not His. I thought I wasted so much of the time He gave me and I feel His intervention now. There is not much time. He wants me to toil His field. The ground is fertile for the sowing. The time is now and there is no tomorrow for the work He wants to be done.
If I have obeyed human bosses...I feel it is His time to labor the earth. Angels will be sent to work side by side with those who want to join my Master. I feel that. His word is strong and mighty. He never fails His promise.
I feel His army moving forward ...the time is Now... I was given His scepter long time ago...He is looking for those that are His to join him in the army. And as I looked straight ...there He goes...and so I go...:-) a weak, skinny army depending so much in the grace of the Divine to get through...nothing to fear...Amen...
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Jeepney Adventure and Etiquette
(Note : I wrote the following blog the other week...)
Riding public vehicles like that of a jeepney can be fun at the same time a great moment for learning. Here's why.
I rode a jeepney last night. I was like relaxing, closing my eyes and trying just to savor the outside-the-office fever huh (had a meeting with other officers and VP). That moment was just one of those when you just have to gather your squandered self's energy and bring back its balance and sanity.
Well that's how it was in that jeepney ride when all of a sudden somebody with all her life's drama...just farted (hahahahha kala mo kung ano na) and another one (an adolescent) vomited (lasing hahay) spreading the "venom" of her scrambled intestines (whahhahahaa forgive me for such a gross description). What a night...
Well I have been thinking over and over again how i would deal with situations like this. I thought of writing some "etiquette" in riding jeepneys just to make people at least give due respect to themselves and others. Well those stuff above already happened but all those that may be reading this may find it helpful at least as they go out their way trying to make a difference (bwahahahhaha) at least during public vehicle rides.
Here goes:
1. Do not fart inside the jeepney (hahhahah). If you can't hold yourself then go release it (hahahahhahah). Better that way than fainting due to embarrassment
2. When you bare your hair and leave it unfastened (for the ladies) hold it with your hands please. I sat beside someone related to this situation and so when the jeepney maneuvered forward, i was like eating every tip of the hair of the lady beside me...gross ha
3. Guys kindly and please do not stretch and spread both of your legs sideways as if you have all the space you've got. I just had the feeling that you want it touched with the lady's leg beside you ...or mine (hahahhahah). Each one deserves his / her space.
4. During the ride, passengers from the farthest end or entrance of the jeepney would pass their money to the driver, right? Can you please extend your kindest self by stretching este opening your palms, receive the money and pass it forward to the driver? Thank you...some of your eyes may just be..."blank" when they come your way.
5. To the gentlemen (?) wearing sunglasses (even during rainy seasons) hehe you may think your eyes can't be seen behind them. You were so obvious scanning every inch of the woman in front of you from legs up and back again...(kulang na lang mag salivate with the legs)...hahay...I'm that observant ha...
6. I also see ladies looking at other ladies from head down clothes, watches, cellphones, jewelries anything and everything plus with a stare that pierces. I really don't know what they are thinking but that's just them. The etiquette reminder? Nothing...just want to let them know that they are seen in that angle and would be appreciated if they could do something about it...heheheh.
7. To the guys and ladies who feel like going into the dreamland, sleeping on a stranger's shoulder beside you is a no, no thing. All the more a big NO when you want to just want to disguise yourself sleeping beside an attractive lady or gentleman. Well my good old este aging father told me his story related to this with his past experiment hahahahha. He enjoyed and kind of like it ha...
8. And when a passenger tries to fit-in in a seemingly filled up jeepney, some if not all passengers just simply ignore by portraying a blank face or look trying to send the message that there is no more room for anyone. Nobody gives in. And so when the driver’s assistant “conductor” edged to his way to make a room for one more…voila meron pa pala… You know what?...generosity includes situation like this also. If you feel that where you are sitting is a little loose then, move immediately to allow another one to sit in. Make the first move when no one gives in.
9. Gentlemen...allowing the ladies to sit first has not yet expired. If you would say that's kindda old way of doing things...that gesture is still on and any gentleman doing that is worth the most of praise and honor.
Why did i write this? I thought it was because I was bothered by it but not only that. I thought that this piece may help us deal with some of our behaviors anywhere and everywhere. I still like jeepney rides. One can experience the adventures of differences and similarities of behaviors and characters of each one. I lyyykkk it veerrryyy much. I am learning how colorful different personalities are and can become yet, may produce great discomfort on others take for example during such "solemn" journey back home or to any of your chosen destinations...(hahaha para yatang airport and airplane and dating...now i am becoming more conscious with sudden shifts of the tone of my writing...).
And so calling all passengers of a jeepney with a plate number ...."proceed to ..." hahahah ...bye for now...
PS: Anyone may add more reminders herein so that we would be able to complete the package of the so called "public journey"...toinks!!!!!! very odd description...
Riding public vehicles like that of a jeepney can be fun at the same time a great moment for learning. Here's why.
I rode a jeepney last night. I was like relaxing, closing my eyes and trying just to savor the outside-the-office fever huh (had a meeting with other officers and VP). That moment was just one of those when you just have to gather your squandered self's energy and bring back its balance and sanity.
Well that's how it was in that jeepney ride when all of a sudden somebody with all her life's drama...just farted (hahahahha kala mo kung ano na) and another one (an adolescent) vomited (lasing hahay) spreading the "venom" of her scrambled intestines (whahhahahaa forgive me for such a gross description). What a night...
Well I have been thinking over and over again how i would deal with situations like this. I thought of writing some "etiquette" in riding jeepneys just to make people at least give due respect to themselves and others. Well those stuff above already happened but all those that may be reading this may find it helpful at least as they go out their way trying to make a difference (bwahahahhaha) at least during public vehicle rides.
Here goes:
1. Do not fart inside the jeepney (hahhahah). If you can't hold yourself then go release it (hahahahhahah). Better that way than fainting due to embarrassment
2. When you bare your hair and leave it unfastened (for the ladies) hold it with your hands please. I sat beside someone related to this situation and so when the jeepney maneuvered forward, i was like eating every tip of the hair of the lady beside me...gross ha
3. Guys kindly and please do not stretch and spread both of your legs sideways as if you have all the space you've got. I just had the feeling that you want it touched with the lady's leg beside you ...or mine (hahahhahah). Each one deserves his / her space.
4. During the ride, passengers from the farthest end or entrance of the jeepney would pass their money to the driver, right? Can you please extend your kindest self by stretching este opening your palms, receive the money and pass it forward to the driver? Thank you...some of your eyes may just be..."blank" when they come your way.
5. To the gentlemen (?) wearing sunglasses (even during rainy seasons) hehe you may think your eyes can't be seen behind them. You were so obvious scanning every inch of the woman in front of you from legs up and back again...(kulang na lang mag salivate with the legs)...hahay...I'm that observant ha...
6. I also see ladies looking at other ladies from head down clothes, watches, cellphones, jewelries anything and everything plus with a stare that pierces. I really don't know what they are thinking but that's just them. The etiquette reminder? Nothing...just want to let them know that they are seen in that angle and would be appreciated if they could do something about it...heheheh.
7. To the guys and ladies who feel like going into the dreamland, sleeping on a stranger's shoulder beside you is a no, no thing. All the more a big NO when you want to just want to disguise yourself sleeping beside an attractive lady or gentleman. Well my good old este aging father told me his story related to this with his past experiment hahahahha. He enjoyed and kind of like it ha...
8. And when a passenger tries to fit-in in a seemingly filled up jeepney, some if not all passengers just simply ignore by portraying a blank face or look trying to send the message that there is no more room for anyone. Nobody gives in. And so when the driver’s assistant “conductor” edged to his way to make a room for one more…voila meron pa pala… You know what?...generosity includes situation like this also. If you feel that where you are sitting is a little loose then, move immediately to allow another one to sit in. Make the first move when no one gives in.
9. Gentlemen...allowing the ladies to sit first has not yet expired. If you would say that's kindda old way of doing things...that gesture is still on and any gentleman doing that is worth the most of praise and honor.
Why did i write this? I thought it was because I was bothered by it but not only that. I thought that this piece may help us deal with some of our behaviors anywhere and everywhere. I still like jeepney rides. One can experience the adventures of differences and similarities of behaviors and characters of each one. I lyyykkk it veerrryyy much. I am learning how colorful different personalities are and can become yet, may produce great discomfort on others take for example during such "solemn" journey back home or to any of your chosen destinations...(hahaha para yatang airport and airplane and dating...now i am becoming more conscious with sudden shifts of the tone of my writing...).
And so calling all passengers of a jeepney with a plate number ...."proceed to ..." hahahah ...bye for now...
PS: Anyone may add more reminders herein so that we would be able to complete the package of the so called "public journey"...toinks!!!!!! very odd description...
Thursday, July 14, 2011
On Moral Recovery of the Youth
I met someone the other week with the request that i would create a training module that would center on moral recovery of our young people. And I answered in my mind "Why me? I have not really recovered my morality...haahhahahah". Joke lang.
I really have such heart for the youth...our young people. I have journeyed with them when I worked as a school counselor for 10 years before I shifted to human resource work. And I saw how the soaring spirit of the young ones can easily and be easily contaminated. They are such restless but beautiful spirit full of of life and so vibrant.
I simply love them. But I cried with them when they suffered and agonized over family problems such as parents separation, parents working outside of the country, pre marital sex, teen pregnancy, suicide, drug dependency, addiction with computer games, disinterested with school related commitments and a lot more.
With these innumerable concerns and challenges faced by our young people, I could only respond with one thing - strengthening of family values. I just talked with a young person a while ago discussing with me how her decision to cohabitate with her boyfriend was a decision that she made from the painful betrayal made by her ex boyfriend. I thought I would rejoice over the decision of separating from her current boyfriend but, she was compelled to do it due to falling in love again with her ex boyfriend. Complicated huh!!! Where do you think did she get such mentality, values or ways of doing things? Well I learned further from our conversations that she never met her father. Since birth she was never close with her mom since she was under her grandparents care.
Going back with family's strength drawn from such high power and grounded values of prayer, faithfulness, commitment and love of parents to each other and their children. These values are more than enough armor to combat the suffering of the morals of our young people. The young person i talked with never had such strength of a family journeying with her except for the surrogate parents - her grandparents.
Parents with grounded moral values produce morally upright children. But what if children go astray despite of. This kind of parents will hold strong and will never give up loving their children. I am so certain of this (i never doubt pure and unconditional love).
Ultimately, pure love will lead the lost ones. That's God and that's His power manifested and grilled in the pure love of those morally upright parents. Love conquers...
And so if i would deal with moral recovery...i would want to have heart to heart talk with parents for them to have a heart to heart talk with God so that they would be able to reflect and manifest this to their children...:-)
PS...Ang bigat ng topic na to...huhuhuhu
I really have such heart for the youth...our young people. I have journeyed with them when I worked as a school counselor for 10 years before I shifted to human resource work. And I saw how the soaring spirit of the young ones can easily and be easily contaminated. They are such restless but beautiful spirit full of of life and so vibrant.
I simply love them. But I cried with them when they suffered and agonized over family problems such as parents separation, parents working outside of the country, pre marital sex, teen pregnancy, suicide, drug dependency, addiction with computer games, disinterested with school related commitments and a lot more.
With these innumerable concerns and challenges faced by our young people, I could only respond with one thing - strengthening of family values. I just talked with a young person a while ago discussing with me how her decision to cohabitate with her boyfriend was a decision that she made from the painful betrayal made by her ex boyfriend. I thought I would rejoice over the decision of separating from her current boyfriend but, she was compelled to do it due to falling in love again with her ex boyfriend. Complicated huh!!! Where do you think did she get such mentality, values or ways of doing things? Well I learned further from our conversations that she never met her father. Since birth she was never close with her mom since she was under her grandparents care.
Going back with family's strength drawn from such high power and grounded values of prayer, faithfulness, commitment and love of parents to each other and their children. These values are more than enough armor to combat the suffering of the morals of our young people. The young person i talked with never had such strength of a family journeying with her except for the surrogate parents - her grandparents.
Parents with grounded moral values produce morally upright children. But what if children go astray despite of. This kind of parents will hold strong and will never give up loving their children. I am so certain of this (i never doubt pure and unconditional love).
Ultimately, pure love will lead the lost ones. That's God and that's His power manifested and grilled in the pure love of those morally upright parents. Love conquers...
And so if i would deal with moral recovery...i would want to have heart to heart talk with parents for them to have a heart to heart talk with God so that they would be able to reflect and manifest this to their children...:-)
PS...Ang bigat ng topic na to...huhuhuhu
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Embracing Life - Second Piece
While tinkering my keyboard, i am thinking hard (as if hahahaha), how i would present this second piece. But since I have illustrated in the first part my childhood years, this one is part of the in-between of my journey.
let me start this rather long...huh ...blog (!!!)...here goes...
I went to a private sectarian high school. I can recall having the same classmates from first to fourth year. Only a few went out or were added in class. I was a bit pressured with academics since i was with the cream of the crop group.
Having studied in a public school during my elementary years did not help quite a bit in terms of articulation and use of words. I remember how those that came from private school mostly excelled in English except one (from a public school) that really made it in the subject. I admired her very much for that. Still, I silently strove and studied the language and realized i had my own craft and art, too. Though, I excelled in academics, I saw the my growing insecurities in terms of looks and intelligence. And so when I looked at "them", i felt like nobody...hahay just the insecurities of adolescent years...
Having crushes was another thing. I had lots of them hehehhe. First year, I laid my eyes on the same height as myself guy who had such a beautiful voice. From him, my singing career (wahahhahahah)moved further to becoming an interest and passion (neighbors would hear my este golden voice...with my long and endless practices). The second year crush was like accidental. He was actually my best friend's dearest crush.
One afternoon, when my friend was at the peak of her persistence to win this guy, we searched for him in the crowded plaza filled with students playing for the intramurals. But then the unexpected thing occured. I happen to point my finger to a guy (which happened to be him). He captured me doing that and his looks were of admiration. Bad shot...that look should have not been mine but my friend's...but ohhhhh again...i loved the look hahahhahahahha.
But then I was so head-over-heels in love (???) with a senior guy. The handsome and calm stride of a man that i saw one morning at the plaza wearing red shirt. Wow...i loved that look. But, he was more for his group of friends i guess. He caught much attention from the prefect of discipline's office. They were all into some "underground" guerrilla rendezvous with his friends hahahahah joke lang... not really that gross..But i considered it my bad choice ha...
The same year, i was so engaged with a youth civic organization that brought us national through the Magnolia Youth Achievement awards. We won second runner up throughout the Philippines (i hope i don't sound like boasting), toured Manila and reached as far as Malacanang Palace. We presented ourselves to the late President Corazon Aquino. It was such a beautiful experience that i marveled with awe and gratitude being given such chance.
The following year, our youth group made it to the Top Ten Outstanding Youth Organization in the Philippines (TOYOPHIL)- second runner up. Please don't get scared with me. I did not have such major role in the organization. I was one of the small officers but i did have the commitment of a strong fighting eagle ...really soaring high. My group of friends in our street made a strong team also to involve ourselves in this venture.
We loved the travel and fun with such height of victory in my high school years (particularly in second year and part of third year). I slowly dwindled when i reached third year. I felt the need to re focus with academics. Though i had my regular school - non academic organization membership - Marian club..., i slowly felt the grounding of prayer led by a very faithful Marian devotee teacher who up to this moment, I call one of my "little heroes" in my youth - Mrs. Lanticse.
Oh yes Mrs. Lanticse...I bet she won't expect that I would write something about her. But she was one beautiful lady teacher i met that emulated faithfulness to the blessed Mother Mary. I was a Marian - Our Lady of Lourdes devotee because of her influence. We were like her tail bringing the statue of the blessed Lady going house to house after school to pray the rosary. She also started the first Saturday devotion procession for the blessed Mother. And i saw her a lot of times praying with her arms lifted up, stretched sideways and walked on her knees to the altar. Well her faithfulness to prayer made her produce 2 successful daughters - one is now a lawyer and the the other one is a Ph.D. (hehe i don't know exactly her specialization).
And so going back...third year was a lot silent but grounded myself with this woman's faithfulness and prayer. I spent time with family and studies and fourth year was a great challenge such that, i did not know what course to pursue. Despite the confusion, I stood on my ground in order to focus.
I also engaged myself in other curricular activities and involved with the "pseudo" military operation of the school (whahahah what a term). I was a company commander with my skinny body bathed in military uniform. I had very short hair then copied after Demi Moore's "Ghost" movie hair cut (hahahha). That meant fashion for me that time.
Since i had my not so golden voice (wahhahahah) and with the "trying so hard" effort to really sing, I had a chance to fool a little my audience playing the role of "Maria" in the "Sound of Music". I swirled and danced wearing the all black combination of dress, boots and guitar (churvavels...jongga). I had fun with it but really the truth was - i wanted to be invisible while i did that...hiyang hiya ako (but ang ganda ko ...hahaha feeling ko lang walay palag ako ni nga blog hahahahha).
Soon enough, my senior year almost ended. I had my small "laurel" in academics but love life....big NO...not really a priority...how i wished. I was so crazy with my crush and felt the loneliness of leaving high school and the uncertainties of college life. I just wanted to hide and hide...i was so afraid to take my first step...
But then I had to. My classmates were moving forward. Some of them went to Luzon and Visayas for college and i had to take my course in the nearest city. BS Accountancy was my recourse without considering much thinking and weighing. Actually, there was nobody that journeyed with me in terms of career choice.
I reached third year questioning my choice which ended with a total shift after meeting a friend named Mitzi that took up BS Psychology. She rocked my world. I was so desperate to transfer to the course that my oh so calm but disappointed father allowed me to after my heart-over-mind convincing (with the matching exhibition of tears). I was all rejoice and halleluiah hehehe.
As my feet started to set its new course with Psychology, I felt them both subtly drilling, pounding hard and securing its foundation underneath. I felt it well and strong. If there was such a thing like falling in love with a course in college ..that was it...my Psychology course love affair hahahahhaa.
And so step one, i had a whole new world and plunged into my orientation of the course. Step two, i was excruciatingly in love with a teacher that broke my heart. Step three, I went into an immersion that got me engaged with people in the barrio for almost 1 week. Step four, my oh so dear mother died in an accident which left me so lost and almost drowned in depression. Step five, i fell in love again with another guy (hehe please don't get me wrong i never had them as my boyfriends ouch hahahhaha). And then I met Mike. Oh so beautiful guy. If i was that crazy and naughty, he was the exact opposite ..so silent and mysterious guy (now no more...heheeheheheheh).
I was so afraid at falling in love again. But then Mike came. I couldn't help it. It was I that was oh so in love ( oo nga...how many times did i mention this? hahahhaha). He had no slight idea. His sister, my classmate and close friend made me invite Michael to be my partner in the graduation ball. I was totally in panic but hey, I loved it (nyahahahahha). The thrill of the night was perfect. But still he had no idea whatsoever regarding how i felt.
Really i was so "kiddo". Graduation came and i celebrated over the academic award that I got but not really totally getting into the whole reward. I felt so strange for Mike but strove to deny it. Well I was not such a good "liar" related to feelings (more worse at present...).
Despite the emotional struggle, I started working in a private high school as teacher and counselor. But i was really dragging myself. I was not happy with what i was doing and the school seem to be getting the vibes. They kindly "kicked me out" by stating at the end of the school year "perhaps you have other plans other than working here". That was such an "ouch" moment.
But then, I moved on and found myself being interviewed in a Catholic university - high school department. And oh they hired me. I was not really that happy at first because it was the same position with where i came from. But slowly, i was gaining momentum. And i felt the trust from my department head. I loved the sort of freedom to implement things for the students. On and on...work...work... work...
Michael then, courted me, joined me in hearing masses and prayed with me. He made me join his family a lot of times. We made it pretty well after series of struggles. I resigned from my job after 10 years, went out of the country twice and he remained steadfast with his love. Here is the big catch. For almost 12 years in the relationship, not ones did he give up on me...on US. And it was and is a wonderful journey of friendship and love combined.... with all the ups, downs, twists and turns...whatever and however I would describe it...
And now...i am going to shout at the top of my voice...este ...on top of the keyboard of this computer...I am getting married to a man I love so much ...halleluiah...His name is Michael...My only ever boyfriend proudly since birth wahahhahahah (i am his only too churvavels).
I know there is no such thing as a perfect journey or perfect partner or partnership. But I know I have such a beautiful man to journey with me through life...:-)
More to come...the horizon presents a promise of a beautiful and life-filled journey...:-) of two imperfect individuals trying to fit in ...despite of ...
PS. Hey...more exciting stories to come...:-) hop and hop and whistle ....ouch!!! toinks..hehhehehhe...there are things mentioned here that I need to stress further in my future blogs such as young love, studies, family, etc....so exciting ha...
let me start this rather long...huh ...blog (!!!)...here goes...
I went to a private sectarian high school. I can recall having the same classmates from first to fourth year. Only a few went out or were added in class. I was a bit pressured with academics since i was with the cream of the crop group.
Having studied in a public school during my elementary years did not help quite a bit in terms of articulation and use of words. I remember how those that came from private school mostly excelled in English except one (from a public school) that really made it in the subject. I admired her very much for that. Still, I silently strove and studied the language and realized i had my own craft and art, too. Though, I excelled in academics, I saw the my growing insecurities in terms of looks and intelligence. And so when I looked at "them", i felt like nobody...hahay just the insecurities of adolescent years...
Having crushes was another thing. I had lots of them hehehhe. First year, I laid my eyes on the same height as myself guy who had such a beautiful voice. From him, my singing career (wahahhahahah)moved further to becoming an interest and passion (neighbors would hear my este golden voice...with my long and endless practices). The second year crush was like accidental. He was actually my best friend's dearest crush.
One afternoon, when my friend was at the peak of her persistence to win this guy, we searched for him in the crowded plaza filled with students playing for the intramurals. But then the unexpected thing occured. I happen to point my finger to a guy (which happened to be him). He captured me doing that and his looks were of admiration. Bad shot...that look should have not been mine but my friend's...but ohhhhh again...i loved the look hahahhahahahha.
But then I was so head-over-heels in love (???) with a senior guy. The handsome and calm stride of a man that i saw one morning at the plaza wearing red shirt. Wow...i loved that look. But, he was more for his group of friends i guess. He caught much attention from the prefect of discipline's office. They were all into some "underground" guerrilla rendezvous with his friends hahahahah joke lang... not really that gross..But i considered it my bad choice ha...
The same year, i was so engaged with a youth civic organization that brought us national through the Magnolia Youth Achievement awards. We won second runner up throughout the Philippines (i hope i don't sound like boasting), toured Manila and reached as far as Malacanang Palace. We presented ourselves to the late President Corazon Aquino. It was such a beautiful experience that i marveled with awe and gratitude being given such chance.
The following year, our youth group made it to the Top Ten Outstanding Youth Organization in the Philippines (TOYOPHIL)- second runner up. Please don't get scared with me. I did not have such major role in the organization. I was one of the small officers but i did have the commitment of a strong fighting eagle ...really soaring high. My group of friends in our street made a strong team also to involve ourselves in this venture.
We loved the travel and fun with such height of victory in my high school years (particularly in second year and part of third year). I slowly dwindled when i reached third year. I felt the need to re focus with academics. Though i had my regular school - non academic organization membership - Marian club..., i slowly felt the grounding of prayer led by a very faithful Marian devotee teacher who up to this moment, I call one of my "little heroes" in my youth - Mrs. Lanticse.
Oh yes Mrs. Lanticse...I bet she won't expect that I would write something about her. But she was one beautiful lady teacher i met that emulated faithfulness to the blessed Mother Mary. I was a Marian - Our Lady of Lourdes devotee because of her influence. We were like her tail bringing the statue of the blessed Lady going house to house after school to pray the rosary. She also started the first Saturday devotion procession for the blessed Mother. And i saw her a lot of times praying with her arms lifted up, stretched sideways and walked on her knees to the altar. Well her faithfulness to prayer made her produce 2 successful daughters - one is now a lawyer and the the other one is a Ph.D. (hehe i don't know exactly her specialization).
And so going back...third year was a lot silent but grounded myself with this woman's faithfulness and prayer. I spent time with family and studies and fourth year was a great challenge such that, i did not know what course to pursue. Despite the confusion, I stood on my ground in order to focus.
I also engaged myself in other curricular activities and involved with the "pseudo" military operation of the school (whahahah what a term). I was a company commander with my skinny body bathed in military uniform. I had very short hair then copied after Demi Moore's "Ghost" movie hair cut (hahahha). That meant fashion for me that time.
Since i had my not so golden voice (wahhahahah) and with the "trying so hard" effort to really sing, I had a chance to fool a little my audience playing the role of "Maria" in the "Sound of Music". I swirled and danced wearing the all black combination of dress, boots and guitar (churvavels...jongga). I had fun with it but really the truth was - i wanted to be invisible while i did that...hiyang hiya ako (but ang ganda ko ...hahaha feeling ko lang walay palag ako ni nga blog hahahahha).
Soon enough, my senior year almost ended. I had my small "laurel" in academics but love life....big NO...not really a priority...how i wished. I was so crazy with my crush and felt the loneliness of leaving high school and the uncertainties of college life. I just wanted to hide and hide...i was so afraid to take my first step...
But then I had to. My classmates were moving forward. Some of them went to Luzon and Visayas for college and i had to take my course in the nearest city. BS Accountancy was my recourse without considering much thinking and weighing. Actually, there was nobody that journeyed with me in terms of career choice.
I reached third year questioning my choice which ended with a total shift after meeting a friend named Mitzi that took up BS Psychology. She rocked my world. I was so desperate to transfer to the course that my oh so calm but disappointed father allowed me to after my heart-over-mind convincing (with the matching exhibition of tears). I was all rejoice and halleluiah hehehe.
As my feet started to set its new course with Psychology, I felt them both subtly drilling, pounding hard and securing its foundation underneath. I felt it well and strong. If there was such a thing like falling in love with a course in college ..that was it...my Psychology course love affair hahahahhaa.
And so step one, i had a whole new world and plunged into my orientation of the course. Step two, i was excruciatingly in love with a teacher that broke my heart. Step three, I went into an immersion that got me engaged with people in the barrio for almost 1 week. Step four, my oh so dear mother died in an accident which left me so lost and almost drowned in depression. Step five, i fell in love again with another guy (hehe please don't get me wrong i never had them as my boyfriends ouch hahahhaha). And then I met Mike. Oh so beautiful guy. If i was that crazy and naughty, he was the exact opposite ..so silent and mysterious guy (now no more...heheeheheheheh).
I was so afraid at falling in love again. But then Mike came. I couldn't help it. It was I that was oh so in love ( oo nga...how many times did i mention this? hahahhaha). He had no slight idea. His sister, my classmate and close friend made me invite Michael to be my partner in the graduation ball. I was totally in panic but hey, I loved it (nyahahahahha). The thrill of the night was perfect. But still he had no idea whatsoever regarding how i felt.
Really i was so "kiddo". Graduation came and i celebrated over the academic award that I got but not really totally getting into the whole reward. I felt so strange for Mike but strove to deny it. Well I was not such a good "liar" related to feelings (more worse at present...).
Despite the emotional struggle, I started working in a private high school as teacher and counselor. But i was really dragging myself. I was not happy with what i was doing and the school seem to be getting the vibes. They kindly "kicked me out" by stating at the end of the school year "perhaps you have other plans other than working here". That was such an "ouch" moment.
But then, I moved on and found myself being interviewed in a Catholic university - high school department. And oh they hired me. I was not really that happy at first because it was the same position with where i came from. But slowly, i was gaining momentum. And i felt the trust from my department head. I loved the sort of freedom to implement things for the students. On and on...work...work... work...
Michael then, courted me, joined me in hearing masses and prayed with me. He made me join his family a lot of times. We made it pretty well after series of struggles. I resigned from my job after 10 years, went out of the country twice and he remained steadfast with his love. Here is the big catch. For almost 12 years in the relationship, not ones did he give up on me...on US. And it was and is a wonderful journey of friendship and love combined.... with all the ups, downs, twists and turns...whatever and however I would describe it...
And now...i am going to shout at the top of my voice...este ...on top of the keyboard of this computer...I am getting married to a man I love so much ...halleluiah...His name is Michael...My only ever boyfriend proudly since birth wahahhahahah (i am his only too churvavels).
I know there is no such thing as a perfect journey or perfect partner or partnership. But I know I have such a beautiful man to journey with me through life...:-)
More to come...the horizon presents a promise of a beautiful and life-filled journey...:-) of two imperfect individuals trying to fit in ...despite of ...
PS. Hey...more exciting stories to come...:-) hop and hop and whistle ....ouch!!! toinks..hehhehehhe...there are things mentioned here that I need to stress further in my future blogs such as young love, studies, family, etc....so exciting ha...
Smell, Taste Life and Live
“If you want to live life freely, take your time go slowly…” I got this line from the movie Brother Sun and Sister Moon. The story that depicts the life of St. Francis of Assisi.
One day, I was so desperate. I searched for answers to my questions. I have been into many material ventures that emptied my heart. I was so soul dry, hungry, barren, tired of the journey. And so when youtube provided me the video...I devoured like a super doooper hungry soul separated from the body base (cadaver bayot hahahhahah...todo na to...). Gross ha...
And so the line above is the freedom that i was looking for. The freedom to be in each moment - to taste, smell, feel life to the fullest. The freedom not to be lost but to be present always and not wander elsewhere.
I want to illustrate something that i realize with Disney movies. Disney produces movies that bring you somewhere far where the vast fantasy and creativity of the child is brought. It digs memories, dreams, ambitions and many more. Some things not possible in real life can be experienced as real in the realm and world of fantasy.
The world that Disney movies manifests and projects is illusive world of reality. This becomes an escape that children go to when painful realities display in front of them. And so the child is stuck somewhere in this world where from the temporary state of fun and fantasy becomes the regular world of the child. And so a child hops from one beautiful illusory world to the next and refuses to get out into the real one.
Again, the child is stuck. The physical body grows but the child is buried in fantasy. Some remain hidden and some die old in age but still in fantasy. (Sad isn't it?).
And taking our time at a slow pace..smelling reality...feeling the freedom of living the now...the present moment. There is no hiding and denying. As children may have believed and are awed with the fantasy world, we can still be with reality. We can still live now with the awe and wonder of the child's spirit in us...:-)
Beautiful isn't it?
One day, I was so desperate. I searched for answers to my questions. I have been into many material ventures that emptied my heart. I was so soul dry, hungry, barren, tired of the journey. And so when youtube provided me the video...I devoured like a super doooper hungry soul separated from the body base (cadaver bayot hahahhahah...todo na to...). Gross ha...
And so the line above is the freedom that i was looking for. The freedom to be in each moment - to taste, smell, feel life to the fullest. The freedom not to be lost but to be present always and not wander elsewhere.
I want to illustrate something that i realize with Disney movies. Disney produces movies that bring you somewhere far where the vast fantasy and creativity of the child is brought. It digs memories, dreams, ambitions and many more. Some things not possible in real life can be experienced as real in the realm and world of fantasy.
The world that Disney movies manifests and projects is illusive world of reality. This becomes an escape that children go to when painful realities display in front of them. And so the child is stuck somewhere in this world where from the temporary state of fun and fantasy becomes the regular world of the child. And so a child hops from one beautiful illusory world to the next and refuses to get out into the real one.
Again, the child is stuck. The physical body grows but the child is buried in fantasy. Some remain hidden and some die old in age but still in fantasy. (Sad isn't it?).
And taking our time at a slow pace..smelling reality...feeling the freedom of living the now...the present moment. There is no hiding and denying. As children may have believed and are awed with the fantasy world, we can still be with reality. We can still live now with the awe and wonder of the child's spirit in us...:-)
Beautiful isn't it?
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Embracing Life - First Piece
When I was a kid, i was "hitting all roads" near our house. I played here and there - all sorts of games invented by children such as ;
1. "Taksi". This is played using flattened bottle covers or empty cigarette packs. Flat stone is then thrown at it pushing it out from a circled part of the ground
2. "Shomoy". This game is played using marbles. We then pounded it on the ground to form not so deep holes (hindi jud talaga deep heheh marble nga lang). The marble is then thrown from a distance to shoot at the hole..etc.
3. "Takyang". This game uses flattened bottle cover. We punched a hole on it, tied candy wrappers at the center and played through the side of the ankle and lifted up and down side kick.
4. Patintero /"bulan -bulan". This is played between two teams. Each member of a team stands as guard and played by stopping anyone from the other team to cross each line
5. "Kundisi/ shatom". This was played using 1 longer and 1 shorter sticks. We dug a hole on the ground , placed the shorter one across, placed the longer one inside the hole slanted, exerted force and pushed up throwing the shorter one the farthest distance we could...(etc)
6. "Bato lata/tsinelas lata. This is played using a can with either stone or slippers thrown at it, placed inside a marked circle on the ground. The players' goal is to displace the can outside of the marked circle part of the ground by throwing stone or slippers at it.
7. "Oo Seven". One player stands at the center and mentions "oo seven". Every time he does that, he turns his head around to check the players. All players should not be seen moving or else they get eliminated.(now you find me great at describing nyahahahhhah forgive me fore my overstatement)
There were a lot more games that I played including tree climbing, playing at pineapple field and stole pineapples hahhahahah. I was crazy as a kid. I even forgot cooking for papa's lunch one time because of my "busy" child-like life.
One time when mama tried to iron some clothes early morning, i took over and burned papa's underwear wahaahhahahah and i had such painful "tiny" (because i got used to big ones hahahhahah) spanking from her. I also went to an adventure with my friends to take a bath in the river and passed by a dilapidated hanging bridge and ended up in a half foot width cemented path (not really for a foot path purpose) with a fast flowing river beside it.
I tell you..if dang is my kid...i would be very frightened to death. I could not imagine all the other "deadly" things i did as a naughty child such as jumping from a tree attached beside a house (buti na lang hindi from roof of the house hay naku po but this was my greatest dream hahahahhahaha).If I am still alive at this time, i would stay it is by God's grace na talaga.
But if you would ask me about my world as a kid, I had so much fun. The kind of fun that I could hardly find in my current world and which I miss so much. If there is something that I want to cry out at this time ...it is the cry "I WANT MY LIFE BACK!!!" ( crying in silence:-)
And so moving fast forward...The older I got, life became so complicated. I have so little of the glimpse of my childhood years. I became strong and sturdy physically burying the flicker and fountain of laughter and fun of the child within. When people see me at this time, they would not know how i was as a kid.
And so no matter how things get so complicated with me at this time - I get to look back at the beautiful innocent eyes of the child that was brought in awe with life. I did not skip at all the "in-between" of my life but as I got older, that kid inside seem to draw me closer and closer to myself.
At this time, I am simply letting go...and I don't mind at aaooll (with an English accent hahahahha) ...come in and know the "ME" ...I love it better this way...Old ways of the "in between" may not be gone but enriching it this time through the child in me becoming...so alive ...come hop and play ...hop and play...whistle ...and shout.......:-)whehehehehe gigggglee..with trumpets and lyre and bring you to the vast green, green field of life...:-)
1. "Taksi". This is played using flattened bottle covers or empty cigarette packs. Flat stone is then thrown at it pushing it out from a circled part of the ground
2. "Shomoy". This game is played using marbles. We then pounded it on the ground to form not so deep holes (hindi jud talaga deep heheh marble nga lang). The marble is then thrown from a distance to shoot at the hole..etc.
3. "Takyang". This game uses flattened bottle cover. We punched a hole on it, tied candy wrappers at the center and played through the side of the ankle and lifted up and down side kick.
4. Patintero /"bulan -bulan". This is played between two teams. Each member of a team stands as guard and played by stopping anyone from the other team to cross each line
5. "Kundisi/ shatom". This was played using 1 longer and 1 shorter sticks. We dug a hole on the ground , placed the shorter one across, placed the longer one inside the hole slanted, exerted force and pushed up throwing the shorter one the farthest distance we could...(etc)
6. "Bato lata/tsinelas lata. This is played using a can with either stone or slippers thrown at it, placed inside a marked circle on the ground. The players' goal is to displace the can outside of the marked circle part of the ground by throwing stone or slippers at it.
7. "Oo Seven". One player stands at the center and mentions "oo seven". Every time he does that, he turns his head around to check the players. All players should not be seen moving or else they get eliminated.(now you find me great at describing nyahahahhhah forgive me fore my overstatement)
There were a lot more games that I played including tree climbing, playing at pineapple field and stole pineapples hahhahahah. I was crazy as a kid. I even forgot cooking for papa's lunch one time because of my "busy" child-like life.
One time when mama tried to iron some clothes early morning, i took over and burned papa's underwear wahaahhahahah and i had such painful "tiny" (because i got used to big ones hahahhahah) spanking from her. I also went to an adventure with my friends to take a bath in the river and passed by a dilapidated hanging bridge and ended up in a half foot width cemented path (not really for a foot path purpose) with a fast flowing river beside it.
I tell you..if dang is my kid...i would be very frightened to death. I could not imagine all the other "deadly" things i did as a naughty child such as jumping from a tree attached beside a house (buti na lang hindi from roof of the house hay naku po but this was my greatest dream hahahahhahaha).If I am still alive at this time, i would stay it is by God's grace na talaga.
But if you would ask me about my world as a kid, I had so much fun. The kind of fun that I could hardly find in my current world and which I miss so much. If there is something that I want to cry out at this time ...it is the cry "I WANT MY LIFE BACK!!!" ( crying in silence:-)
And so moving fast forward...The older I got, life became so complicated. I have so little of the glimpse of my childhood years. I became strong and sturdy physically burying the flicker and fountain of laughter and fun of the child within. When people see me at this time, they would not know how i was as a kid.
And so no matter how things get so complicated with me at this time - I get to look back at the beautiful innocent eyes of the child that was brought in awe with life. I did not skip at all the "in-between" of my life but as I got older, that kid inside seem to draw me closer and closer to myself.
At this time, I am simply letting go...and I don't mind at aaooll (with an English accent hahahahha) ...come in and know the "ME" ...I love it better this way...Old ways of the "in between" may not be gone but enriching it this time through the child in me becoming...so alive ...come hop and play ...hop and play...whistle ...and shout.......:-)whehehehehe gigggglee..with trumpets and lyre and bring you to the vast green, green field of life...:-)
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