My Journey Through the Eucharist

 http://aronbengilad.blogspot.com/2009/12/eucharist-and-jewish-mysticical.html

As I joined my regular noontime mass at a nearby university today, I thought i have not really written about my most passionate experience at the mass...the highest form of prayer being a Catholic. 

I promise to be as informative as I can in this blog.  But i cannot promise a purely objective presentation as i will be quoting my own experience of the Eucharist.

I would like to start with a brief recall since my childhood years.  I was brought up by both Catholic parents who instilled going to mass together as a family.  It was a blessing though that the catechism class that i joined with when i was in grade 5 pushed going to the Eucharist by checking our attendance every Wednesday and Sundays.  From my "imperfect spirit" to compete with other classmates and be noticed, i did it everyday and studied well my faith through a catechist.  From that experience, i got the "best in religion" award.  

From that, I longed so much going to mass even when it was summer vacation and there was no longer any catechist that checked our attendance.  Well I am not going to tell you that I am strongly suspecting that i got my love for hearing the mass from that experience since i no longer assign it as suspicion.  It was really my "starter" and springboard for the love of the Eucharist.

Let me move further and progress my sharing... 

1.  When i was in grade five, i woke up early (3:00am) to study my lesson.  Mama would prepare some milk and biscuit for me everytime I did that so that i would be properly nourished when i study.  I cook breakfast at 4 am while i scan my books.  At 5:00am i ate my breakfast and ran to the bathroom.  Mama knew that i had to leave the house at 6am to be at the church at 6:15am for the mass.  (So as early as 11 years old, as i was motivated to hear mass, i was "disciplined" at other areas in  my life as  a kid.)

2.  I would go to mass very neat every day.  As a kid i already had sense of fashion with how i dress up but i knew that i had to go to the church and had to be very presentable since i always took the seat near the altar (fashion ha hehe).

3.  Did i understand fully what the priest was talking?  You would bet that i did not.  And hahahha you are right.  I was just there for the checking of attendance right.  That was the motive.

Why did i keep on going to the mass even up to these days?  I seem to be addicted to it.  It is like falling in love into a celebration other than my husband (even our dates were spent first with masses before other things and visits).  Some classmates when i was in high school thought that i would join the convent.  i thought the same too (but i always joke with this line "it's either i will be sent out of the convent or the congregation will disperse because of me" toinks hahahah i could imagine that ...great threat ha). 

1.   I would like to say that I am no saint (striving to be one...if i would qualify that would be great).  When i hear mass...a lot of times, my mind is everywhere.  But every after the celebration, i always get the peace that i could not explain.  I thought a lot of times that i was not really participating.  But when one time a priest just told me "to just be there" even when you feel like you don't feel like it or you don't belong.  My perception changed.  I just allowed myself to be there - physically present (even when mentally i was "absent"...this was our running joke with friends).

2.  I was assured that if i do wrong, the more i would need God.  I have the feeling that even if i dislike myself sometimes due to what i did, my God does not dislike the person that i am.  I am not condemned and it is just i that built up the walls heavier when i moved away due to sinfulness.  So when i sin, I still go to mass ( hey, i strive to go to confession too...) .

3.  I experienced the most of healing during the mass.  One time when i had recurring fever due to stress and that i was off from work for days,  I tried just being present in the mass. When i had my personal resolve to do better during the celebration, my fever stopped.  That thing, i could not understand but i felt an inner transformation in my soul that positively affected my wellbeing.   I felt rejuvenated to re- start my days and go back to work.

4.  After each mass that I join,  I just get the feeling of lightness putting things in order in a day.  I have seen the grace of great order.  Something that i do not totally understand but just came from the peace of fully engaging myself.

5.  When I and my husband had some strong issues to deal with in our relationship (when we were still singles),  we always prepared through the mass and all beautiful things follow such as proper listening, forgiveness, compassion, love, self-giving, sacrifice, patience, and so many more (And i could strongly assure that our relationship was greatly nourished through the masses we heard together).  

What is my message then?  I have read conversion stories through the Eucharist.  Great journeys of individuals from other denominations or Catholics themselves deepening more their faiths through there very personal encounter in the Eucharist.  Perhaps anyone of us would want to try to take some few strides to move a little forward by just being there at mass...even when we feel at first that nothing seems to be working.  I bet you with my whole being.   God is present even when we feel the blur of that moment.  

Lastly, the Eucharist is made available everyday...it is offered for free.  And so when we start to become restless...lost...find life tasteless...no direction...  this greatest "therapy" is made available...

We don't have to look elsewhere for the soul's 'spa'.  Just be present in the mass...

PS...i know of someone that told me that he felt guilty not hearing mass for than a year.  I just told him  "just go back"...and be home:-).

A Wife And Future Mom's Challenge...My Challenge

I am in the middle of many things – work, being a wife filled with desires, dreams and ambitions.  I thought of balancing everything in my life so as to be able to give everything my best shot. 

Some twists though happened  when I read a  blog about someone that gave up her career for a family and being questioned by someone about her decision.  I felt that she was in “rage” for the person’s comment and reaction.  I do understand her well for that.  Her choice of a life focused on family, toddler and a baby is quite outstanding and admirable.  I could not say anything other than Love so alive in action from a beautiful mom.     I do admire her for her noble and oh so beautiful choice.

What about me?  I was led to re-think and review  my priorities.  Prior to getting married,  I had all the “freedom”  to do things on my own and my way.  However, things changed since the “I do” …my entry to married life.  Every plan, dream, etc have to be shared with my husband.  We are both involved.  It is no longer my life but “our life together”. 

There were times when I thought if I could give up career to attend with children.  I would if I have to.  With all honesty I have difficulty figuring out leaving my baby with a stranger attending with my kids.  I realized  that there is no better touch and care than a mother’s or father’s / parent’s.  At least there is one of us that should be there for them…for the kids.

At this time I am startled at how I could be capable of generating income even if I could become a full time mom.  While career women like me at my current state may be walking around working, building and piling up careers, my heart is slowly “deviating” from the trend.  I realize I could earn more through writing(while I thought  of finishing the books that I started to frame and write) and do consulting work (from where I gain my extra income at moment).

Why am I thinking of this?  I could say that my pregnancy has taken me to a new unpopular route vis-à-vis women’s climbing and competing for big spots in the world of work.  I am thinking and feeling more of the quality time that I am going to be spending with my baby and future kids.  I thought of impact of formation of presence than busying myself with so many things and not keeping track of their total growth and formation.

Call me restless but my pursuit and search of quality just led me also to a research from that of Bo Sanchez (and many other authors) on homeschooling.  I did not think of that while I was employed in a university.  If I had worked there, I would think of security in terms of getting a free education for my kids (That’s quite a relief for parents’ pocket ha).  I and my husband can just take care of our daily financial needs.   But I am seeing more than that.  Not just feeding and providing them the basics of food, clothing, shelter and education.  I and my husband want quality education.  Of course I am not questioning quality of education from where I was employed.  It is just that after I read Bo Sanchez article on Homeschooling, some specks had fallen from my eyes.

As parents yourself or future parents, tell me why won’t you or I be tempted by the following 10 Principles mentioned by Bo Sanchez (Philippines’ popular preacher, best selling author, husband and father of 2)  with his homeschooling program (kindly read quote below by clicking the photo for a better view) : 

The above led me to explore my world.  I shared a lot of what I have and my capacities to my husband that believed in the same principles of homeschooling.  We both want quality – relationship as a family and the formation that we pass on to our children.   Our vision as a couple centers on quality of content and values so that the same can be passed on to others.

At the moment while waiting for that moment of having a baby coming out by September,  I am still engaging with my daily work, making things work out for my job and those I work with…while figuring out how best I could manifest these – re views, desires, re-routing that can happen, skills that can be handed on to our family’s next generation and more than anything my heart and values that I could strongly pass on and be shared through a ripple positive effect to others through our family.

Long way to go mom...:-)  to a new and exciting adventure :-)  wow....super dooper wow:-)

PS:  Check on Bo Sanchez Homeschooling on the following sites.  And if you think this would affect the child's social skills...he has the answers

1. http://www.andthesethygifts.com/2007/07/17/bo-sanchez-on-homeschooling/

2. http://catholicfilipinoacademy.com/

Love Remains Love... Despite Age and Seasons

 http://www.google.com.ph/search?q=Valentine+cards&hl=en&prmd=imvns&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&sa=X&ei=CA86T9ftEcPRrQetmJW2CA&ved=0CEoQsAQ&biw=1024&bih=437

  

Love ...love is in the air.  Valentines day.  I braced my steps outside of the office to join the noon mass at a nearby university with my husband.  I felt the excitement.  Outside the office, flowers, balloons, gifts were displayed.  So festive. 

On my way, I met young students - couples, holding hands, ladies bringing flowers, stuff toys, etc.  Young love, sweet love ahahah.  One thing i observed.  I did not see even atleast one married couple - older ones  holding hands or the wife bringing bunch of flowers.

If younger ones are so into the excitement of valentines day, the older ones don't (based on sharings from experiences).  I am now holding my laughter whehehe.  Older ones would just say - "we are too busy, there are so many things to attend with, save the valentines for the young ones, we dont need to date, we have children to attend with, love should be everyday anyway, etc."  But mind you, when they were still younger, they have stories to tell ahhahahahaha just like us with my husband.

Last night i thought of how i could make it special for my husband.  You see i have been experiencing a lot of adjustments with my pregnancy...some moments of discomforts.  But i am not making it an excuse not to rekindle the excitement.  

When we woke up dawn time due to some creeping insects at 2 am, I wanted to hold my greeting because it was too early but then  with eyes closed I still greeted him "happy valentines day hon" and dozed back to sleep ( I did mean that ha... hahahahha).

When we woke up early morning to prepare for breakfast, i moved closer him at the sink and kissed him together with the valentine greeting.  When we heard mass at noon time and he was very late, I just decided to be more loving rather than making him account for reasons of his lateness.  When we went out of the chapel and held his arms, i decided to inch my hand downwards into clasping and holding his hand.

I also giggled when someone shouted to sell to him valentine gift plus flowers at the sidewalk with the comment " for your wife".  He was not convinced though to buy the gifts.  I thought that man could have said ..."for your lovely wife" hahaha then my husband could have bought that for me.  But nah nah...Mike did lots of loving more than those flowers and gifts (hahaha trying to defend my hubby).

For the past years, he did not give me much of those flowers, chocolates, etc.  He bought me books.  He knew that I love books.  He knew also that when he bought me books, he could borrow it too and we would have something to share for a good discussions.  

Well, he did surprise me one Valentines day in the past when he bought bunch flowers through my boardmate that placed them on my bed.  I was in tears when i arrived from work seeing them so beautifully laid on it.  I thought i was not much of flowers.  I realized then that anything given by someone dear to us is  simply embraced by the heart. 

I just have that "inner sense of knowing" (to quote Dr. Dyer heeheeheh)  that deep within the older ones is a heart that longs for excitement.  A heart that sees and reads the simplest message sent through love.  I just know that the older ones need to strive harder to make love visible.  Our bodies do age but never love.  Love is the only true thing we have.  We labor in love despite the loss of feeling. 

Young ones need the older ones to show that great example sending that strong message that  even when we age, love is alive.  We can't also just simply send the young ones the message that love is associated by mere feeling and can be lost.  Oh ...oh ...danger...zone heheheeh.

True love stays strong... regardless of season. Love is love...unmoved.

My Valentine

https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbmI98zPVJ-EltBHAclJs2csuTraXbXYnJiC27QThNNZphsf0uf8D0vpkjD2lmkukhXEsuTg3k3ZYWaocSOATTHJR-ilpF43pCI9WGDZcToCj9iboWzXONVhh6-fZzNIea-Mx-c6UoHLs/s1600/chocolaty-valentines-day-wish.jpg

While my husband was preparing last night's dinner, I was drinking my vitamins in front of him (hhmmmm sort of feeding the baby in mommy's womb heheheh).  While he was busy putting ingredients in a pot, I was singing him some old love songs which he later joined.  I felt the excitement of the earlier days we had in the relationship.  When our relationship was young, grand and so brand new, I had lots of those dates when i felt anxious, excited... mixed emotions.  I was so excited everyday.  Everyday was like " the sun had shone so bright". 

Years passed, reality struck and bit hard.  The excitement dwindled but loving was tested  and furnished by strong fire.  I lost the feeling of excitement many times. I caught myself observing him in everything and I grew to like him and dislike some of his traits.

Then and again, years passed, as our friendship grew deeper, the feeling that i thought was and the definition that i label as love changed into the challenge of moving forward despite pain and reality.  Wow this time, i remember my husband once sang this line from a song "I'd rather have bad times with you, than good times with someone else" (this same song... I remember my friend Ruthsel wrote at FB wall for her husband... hahahah) and made me realize ...yes there can be bad times and that starting with someone else other than him is quite complicated.  I would rather make my relationship work than running away, meet someone else, have a great time but then again one day, I would still face the same tough times.  No no way hehehhe....I won't do that.

Acceptance of realities in relationship, saying sorry, growing together, holding hands despite confusion or perhaps even with the absence of excitement.  Feelings lost but with  peace present...oh how can I trade what I have ...loving someone else when all I had and have is being so at peace with a man that journeyed with me with all sincerity, transparency, honesty and commitment through the years.

When everything is sad, pale and gray... when feelings are gone...  when the sun is out and rain pours and pours really hard... when the clouds cover up the sun...Oh,  I really don't have to worry.  My love continues and in confidence my heart is fully assured that - a man so strong and sturdy in faith and love is with me all the way.  

And so the same song that i sang last night "  I'd rather have bad times with you...than good times with someone else", was one of those songs that i sang in front of him.  I remember the past. I remember the odds and challenges.  And that very moment last night was my joyous and simple recall of the celebration of love in our simple journey together.  

"And even if the sun refuse to shine.  Even if romance run out of rhyme.  I will give you my heart until the end of time.  You are all i need my love ...My Valentine".... 

Happy Valentines Day Hon! I LOVE YOU!:-)
 

The Conditioning

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Try to watch your thoughts in a day and observe how they run.  Check how much of those run positive and its opposite.  You see, I run company values formation series of trainings and I found out how much of participants thoughts are consumed by negatives. 

Looking back to how we were brought up, our experiences would point to how we were conditioned to think that way. 

1.       Do’s and don’ts at home

2.      You will fail if you will not study

3.      Be careful not to hurt yourself when you play

4.      You will be punished if you will come home late

5.      You are not as smart as your brother / sister

6.      You won’t amount to anything

7.      The weather is so hot, so cold,

8.      The day is so gloomy

9.      You look aweful

10.  With all the complains that we hear from our parents

(…and many more)

I am currently re-shaping that conditioning.  I am into a conscious effort and process of distressing my past such that I catch my negative thoughts as they occur.  I do my small assignment everyday and look back at each day how it happened.  I start correcting them immediately as they occur or at the end of the day when I do my review.

What is my point?  Behavior is a reflection of what goes in the mind.  The more we think negative, the more we attract the same and do likewise.  I have read several books already regarding this topic.  My experience also could validate these statements.

In fact the more I refocus and rechart the flow of my thought, the more I experience its positive impact and change in my life. 

Thinking positive is an art and it is grace to be able to sustain that.  In fact without it, thoughts bombarded and invaded by all negative in a day cannot withstand.  How do we get that grace? 

Let me give an indirect answer.  One time in one of my distressing activities with my trainees, I made them rest on the mat they brought with them.  I instructed them to close their eyes and to simply relax and follow my instructions and leadings.  I visualized them engaging in a very positive and relaxing experience that some of them just dozed off to sleep due to a very relaxed mode.  After the 30-minute exercise, the woke up so rested and relaxed radiating such positive disposition. 

They asked me how much time I gave them for such activity.  They were quite astonished learning that they only did that for 30 minutes.  They could not believe the short span of time spent in the activity.  But yes, they did it only for that amount of time. 

What I made them undergo was contemplation and meditation combined.  The exercise/s led them to centering and silencing of the self devoid of their daily concerns and the heavy contents of the sharings prior to that activity that was consumed by all painful experiences they have. 

Whether contemplation or meditation, they are  free.  It is such an easy access in a day.  It is made available to everyone.  Something like a free charging and recharging or our spiritual energy in a day.  If done on a daily basis can relax our brains, nerves, cells or our body and detaches us from the loudest voices and restlessness of the human heart.

Just how you do both?    Let me describe a simple process contemplation:

1.  Visualize a comfortable place or any part of nature and creation in your imagination (mountain, seaside, etc....go places that relaxes...you may engage in biblical scenes or events)

2.  Stay in that place and be part of the characters and converse with any character or perhaps with Jesus)

3.  Stay focused relaxed and just through the process

4.  You will have the message in the silence of your heart

5.  You may time yourself (20 - 30 minutes)

(from experience these relaxes the mind and heart)

 For meditation, you may do the following : 

1.  Close your eyes

2.  Focus on breathing in and out

3.  Resist the temptation to think

4.  Use a positive word for a mantra (repetitively said) such as

-         Peace, Love, Unity, healing, Father , Son, Spirit, God, Abba, etc.

Doing the above exercise on meditation for just few minutes – 1, 2, 3, 4, etc.  increasing its time everytime will bring in reshaping, relaxing, redirecting of thoughts, health and wellbeing, reconnecting with Source  - our God and many more good things that can be attracted to our lives.  Just a new and rejuvenated life is the most beautiful output it can produce.  From the most negative of the conditioning of our childhood years to a more positive views and outlook with life. 

Hop in and join me in this wonderful journey of deepening ourselves by shunning the negative flow of thoughts to a more joyful life of positive, grace-filled and a whole mind creating a beautiful partnership with our beautiful heart (In fact emotions are processed in our mind too…surprised?...i hope not).

PS.  Dr. Wayne W. Dyer, author of the book entitled, The Power of Intention, says that 17 seconds of pure positive thoughts is equivalent to 17,000 hours of work.

New Life

I took a leave from work to face the challenge of a physical exam for pregnant women.  It was my first time to meet an OB-GYNE.  I never had those physical exams that women should undergo in their 30s as advised my a friend who was into it. 

Furthermore, I felt anxious lifting my feet at lunch time in order to make that visit at 1pm.  My husband had gone ahead at the hospital to have me enlisted aside from the previous day’s phone arrangement.  Good thing the doctor had not started yet when I arrived. 

My husband gave me a serious look when I arrived.  I thought he was anxious.  That was just and normally him to do that.  Nothing new but I had a subjective interpretation of it.  I was just anxious (hahahhaha but of course I had my usual communication with my baby – fetus that it’s mommy that was anxious and he / she does not have to be affected by it).  We waited for my turn.  While doing that I was instructed to undergo urinalysis.  My pulse rate and weight was checked, too.

When waiting was up, we got inside the doctor’s room.  Questions were asked such as last day of menstruation, what I took for vitamins, physical signs of pregnancy, etc.  I was then led into a small bed where I had to lift both my feet to rest on a separate extended portion of the bed. 

I was asked to relax but I just could not.  Until a cream was applied below my tummy, where they placed an apparatus that would reflect its output on a television-like screen.  Voila, I saw by cutie fetus floating inside my womb.  While my OB-GYNE did that, I called my husband to join us. It was such a wonderful time with all excitement seeing that my baby is growing inside me. 

I was laughing and giggling seeing my baby.  And while it happened, I felt the instrument hopped a little that made us loose the visuals on the screen.  I knew then that I should just relax my tummy to give us a full view of the “movie” my baby started in his  earliest part of the journey. 

The next questions asked were blood typing, hepathitis, rebulla, transvaginal untrasound, repeat urinalysis after a day and a lot more including 3 liters of water everyday.  Wow, I had to undergo all those tests and had to come early like 6 am to the hospital fasting (without liquid and solid intake). 

During the second day of tests, I woke up 4 am and had to be at the hospital as scheduled.  My husband was there the whole time.  I was taken blood sample and urine.  I had to go through also the said Transvaginal ultrasound that reflects the status of the my baby – fetus in my womb. Then the most amazing thing happened when right before my eyes (and my husband’s) I was able to witness the form, shape, heart beat and its intensity.  I was in tears.  I just could not stop myself when I heard the doctor say “there you go…(fetus displayed on the  screen) tuloy, tuloy na ‘to”.

I caught my husband’s excitement when he uttered “is that the heart rate doc?”  He was just as excited as I am.  I was so filled with joy, happiness, awe, etc. over the mystery of a minute human being growing inside me.  A soul implanted in there with mine and my husband’s humble initiative and participation in creation.

The lunch time we had was different.  Mike mentioned that when he excused himself to go the restroom, he was in tears with joy realizing how real the things that we are experiencing.  While he was recalling his feelings, he was in tears too.  That was one beautiful and first time moment with my husband where I witnessed him in tears.  Our baby moved us both to joy witnessing the miracle we were able to witness that moment.  The beautiful revelation through the ultrasound. 

What followed was a comment that Mike gave such as “how could others afford abortion to happen, when there is such beauty in conception”.  And I added …”when there is beauty with becoming a parent, when there is a joyful waiting for a newborn baby, when life is so precious that you could not dare end it by ourselves or at our own will”..

The overwhelming experience we had ended in a beautiful dinner with the same story shared by both of us.  We thank God moment by moment that He allowed us to participate in His call to take care of His children…through a family.  I am still overwhelmed and awed.  I could not say  more or much…:-)  While new life is growing in my womb, there is new life to both of us as husband and wife.

In humility…I embrace life….I embrace both my beautiful growing baby – fetus and my beautiful husband starting a new life…together.  Again…Thank you God:-)

I DARE TO BE DIFFERENT

I am going to be a mom soon.  I have been very observant for years about mother’s roles including my own mom’s.  Since there were many of us (6 kids to attend with) in the family, most of the time was to keep us on the go with chores assignment (while she did many of her own),   away from each other for the daily small and big fights, and the family orderly and atleast in peace and shut up our big mouths (hahahhahaha).  I was overwhelmed seeing mama did all those.  She was the family manager, finance manager, organizer, etc.  That’s why I saw her one time in one of our family photos so skinny, obviously stressed and burned out.  With much pride I am one of her fruits of her hard work and labor of love (in partnership with papa).

At my end I don’t have to have 6 children (hahahha)… impossible for me to handle…I guess?...and not with my age.  Mama was then 19 or 20 when she got married.  Though she lacked time interacting with each of us,  I saw her dedication with taking care each one in the family. 

Now it is my challenge when I become one.  At this time, I could care less about the responsibilities of motherhood (I don’t want to fill my mind with anxieties of the future). I will contain and focus on  how I could take care of myself so that this tiny “someone”…my baby (hmmmm fetus hahahha) will have to get enough nourishment in a day.  I and my husband are so conscious of what I eat such that we both check vitamins contents of what I take in.

Aside from that I now have some small interaction with him / her  (our baby) when I am alone in the house ( or even if my husband is around),  through stories and music.  I talk and touch my tummy.  I do explain everything including what mommy did in a day and why I am tired, how I am feeling, why mommy is laughing, what strange things I am seeing.  I explain the excitement of why it is good to come out soon with where I am and many more.  I share that daddy and mommy are so happy with him / her.  That he / she is our greatest surprise this year.  I tickle my tummy too. And that I would do anything I can to give him / her the best formation I could extend (perhaps because I just love to write training modules that my baby will soon become a recipient ….hahahahah).

Another thing that I and my husband just did is to pray as a family.  Strange as it is but we both pray with our palms touching my tummy (hahahhahaha).  With the warmth of both our palms we just want to extend the grace and joy of connecting to our God …the ONE that made this tiny dearest “SOMEONE” so possible in my tummy / womb (sorry for the word tummy but I got used to using the word…it is really womb hahahhahah).

There are more things that I and my husband thought of extending to “him/ her”.  We both see how our readiness and openness to life has reaped a full participation from both of (and our baby hahahah – family teamwork).  Though some friends joke with me with how I am managing my pregnancy,  they still find me odd and strange… It doesn’t matter…hhahaha for as long as I make my baby happy:-) 

Just one last tickle on my tummy before I start my day….hahahhaha….

FROM A DESIRE TO... A PREGNANCY

Let me do some crooked lines in my writing (which I usually do hehe ) by starting this blog with a sharing on a family event that I and my husband joined last December 2011.   The christening / baptism of Aethan Shaun, son of Mae (my husband's sister)  and her husband Allen.  It was such a rush travel for both of us.  We would have gone to their place a day earlier but due to unanticipated vehicle condition we had to postpone and contain with a very early morning travel the following day. 

I was so glad that my husband was on the rush the following day.  It was usually I that got to pressure him to hurry (hehehe).  We had to brace the vehicle fast the early morning finding ourselves facing still challenges on our way with so many stopovers due to innumerable road constructions in between.  The pressure was to reach our destination at 9 am and be at the Church at that same time.

Good thing we arrived earlier than expected.  And so we could have our 2^nd breakfast (we had our first at 5 am) before going to the Church.  When we  arrived at their house, my eyes rested on the baby boy – Aethan (to be baptized that morning) alone in his crib already dressed in his very cute ‘barong”(I did not know that there is such a design for babies….my first time to see it).  And I was so all ohhhs and ahhs and so cutie expression with some giggling.  Obviously I have forgotten myself for awhile.  Then I became conscious with how I felt that moment.  I envied Mae and Allen for having their 2^nd  child – baby boy Aethan. 

I thought “when can I have mine?”.  I was almost in tears for the thought and the joy of having one.  And when I saw our 2 little pretty nieces Andrea and Patricia ( they are both cousins Andrea is Mae’s daughter and Patricia is Luisa’s…both sisters of my husband and my very close friends since collegeJ ), I was again mesmerized seeing them in their lovely dresses.  What a beautiful sight my eyes caught when I saw both of them running towards me with their hugs and kisses. 

Not again…”when can I have mine?”  was the running words in my mind.  Lovely, lovely, lovely…so beautiful sight of wonderful families.

When we arrived at the Church, it was almost filled up.  The ceremony almost started, so we rushed to find our seat.  I volunteered to be the photographer.  I liked the role.  I took photos from our line up to everyone and everywhere in the Church.  I felt the joy of parenthood.  I felt the excitement when two priests started putting oil on the babies foreheads.  More so when each family aligned so that the priest can pour the holy water also at the babies. 

As the photographer, I stationed myself at the back and right side of the priest.  My neophyte and trying so hard self just wanted to put a little drama in my capture.  While waiting for that beautiful moment of to take photo of  Aethan, I felt awed at the sight of babies in front of me with all those hair band for little girls, all sorts of clothes for the baby boys, big loud mouth cry, etc.

And then again I thought  “When can I and my husband have ours”  (hahahha this time my thought included my dear husband who from where I was standing I saw him seriously aligning and waiting with baby Aethan.  Well he is one of the ninongs (godfather).  I was all smile looking at all the babies while I stole sight with my husband (hahahhaha).  Well you could now imagine how desperate I was already.

We had photo shoots after that.  I had my “solo” shot with Aethan and stole him for my sort of “family” illusion photo shoot with Mike.  That time I felt the firmness of my thoughts “we could have ours soon”.  I simply affirmed it in my mind and heart. 

From the Church we went straight to the restaurant.  It was festive.  We were with relatives and we had so much fun.  Of course part of the question was “are you on your way or are you pregnant”.  I did not feel sad about the question though.  I simply answered “not yet” and positively added “soon” with my one big smile.  I felt the excitement while I stated that. 

With all my busy thoughts from my husband’s house to the Church with my growing desire to have a baby.  My excitement grew more when Mike just uttered while we were both looking at the kids playing, “our  kid would be a good addition to those”. 

I had the chance to hold Aethan in my arms.  I held him longer than I thought prior to going out from the restaurant to the house.  I was smelling him, feeling him in my skinny arms and imagining if a baby could survive staying longer with the way I held him.  And I was so glad he did.  He was so asleep.  And again, I thought “I could be a mom”.  I simply announced joyfully within me that I could me a mom and take care  of a baby. 

At night of the same day, the fun continued with all those food and exchanging gifts and food again and again.  Though I was so tired of the earlier travel ( was so asleep in the afternoon until almost night), I had so much fun.  The girls would just get inside our room from time to time and I could not take away my eyes from them.  How beautifully dressed they were and how much fun and joy they brought to their families (was so filled with appreciation in my mind).

The visit just ended the following day.  We had to be back home ourselves.  And I thought I could just relax and let go of my desire with the strength of my faith that it would come.

And then biggest surprise of all came when I realized that I was already delayed from my monthly period.  And I was checking on the number of days over and over again.  I thought I could be pregnant.  I was noticing some physical change and forms in my body despite my regular long distance jogging and walking combined last week of December with Mike. 

While I felt the excitement, I was consulting my sisters (Gina and Gay) about it.  They advised me not to take pregnancy test immediately.  They wanted me to do it 2 weeks past my expected menstruation for the month of January to be certain of it. 

A friend, Doctor – Ronnie Bongocan (my sister’s brother in law) advised me to take my test this weekend (January 22).  Exactly the same date as advised by my two sisters.   But then out of our great excitement and my stubbornness, I took the test last Monday (January 16)  placing the kit in front of my husband on the table.  It was such a wonderful sight of a positive test.  Voila…I AM PREGNANT!!!!!!! 

From there, I went straight to my computer to do some module writing which I could hardly focus on since I felt conscious already of “someone”…a beautiful tiny creature in my tummy taking its form right where I was.  I just decided to stop writing and pulled some CDs including a CD on nursery rhymes and thought of putting them inside a USB storage device and listen to it from time to time.  Well my husband just stopped me from my excitement and told me to relax.  I was a little stubborn and still did it  ( hahahhaha crazy ha).

Well you could imagine me now starting to do that with my earphone –one for me and one on my tummy -…hahahha well there is more to this in the coming days….

I guess…I could park for now preparing for more future details …with how I am dealing with myself and the doctor’s appointment and the regimen of vitamins, food, and …of course …exercise… (my baby held on even when I had the most of those jogging and walking)… plus the love and support  from my husband.

Well…you may be asking if I have morning sickness… I don’t have any… :-) bye for now:-)  hehehehehe.

...THANK YOU DEAR GOD...YOU GAVE ME SUCH WONDERFUL SURPRISE AS I AND MY HUSBAND BEGIN OUR YEAR 2012:-) THE MOST BEAUTIFUL GIFT OF ALL:-)

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Some Family photos :

With Patricia and Andrea

Aethan so asleep

Allen, Mae, Andrea and Aethan

Giving my gift to my kringle Leewwwweeeeeh..grrrrrrrr:-)

Blessing before dinner

My gift to Luisa ..my kringle

Guirey Family

Hubby with sister Mae exchanging gifts:-)

the 3 Kings - Allen, Nono and Hubby  - with the Baby ..

Semillano family - Nono, Luisa and Patricia with Aethan ......Patricia and Andrea with Lolo Pops